We're Gonna Need A Bigger Apple.

Is there any way that this photo is real? My big honker smells a hoax. I'm not the most informed guy around, but shouldn't I have heard that there are 1/2 ton pigs roaming the the Deep South? To paraphrase the great Tony Kornheiser, this may be a sign of the apocalypse. Is that a laser blaster in the kid's hand? Check out the story about the 11-year old who felled the beast(allegedly) here. See video here.

Real or not, at least I've found my new desktop wallpaper.

Hope New Pic Is OK.

If anyone in my new header pic has any objections to being on the web in such prominent fashion let me know (via comment or e-mail) and I'll remove it immediately.

"The Greatest Steaks In The World"

Apparently, Donald Trump is out of the TV business and into the steak business. Maybe not as absurd as I first thought, he does own restaurants and hotels that serve steaks. What is nutty is that his steaks are being sold through The Sharper Image. Because I enjoy nothing more than sitting in my overpriced leather massage chair, eating a Trump steak that I've cut with my all-purpose Swiss army knife while listening to my hand crank weather radio. Thanks, Sharper Image, now I can do one stop shopping at the mall!

"CHiPs" On DVD

Good News, CHiPs season one is available on DVD. I hope they include that episode when Ponch and John rescue the trapped motorist from the car that's about to explode. You know, the one where they later chase the suspect down the alley in which the squad cars won't fit. The one that ends with disco dancing and freeze frame shots of evrybody laughing at one of Ponch's jokes. I sure hope that one is on there.

Duck, Duck....Red Wings Are Goosed.

I don't care if I'm one of three people who watched it, I thoroughly enjoyed tonight's Game 6 of the Western Conference Finals. Gary Bettman may have nearly choked the sport to death with his carnival game antics such as the shootout, but tonight the grand game was on full display. Besides overtime, tonight's game had all the elements that make playoff hockey fantastic. Great goaltending, pretty goals, a little spilled blood and a frantic finish. Maybe Bettman and his merry band of morons who make up the Committee To Turn Hockey Into Basketball will realize games don't have to finish 8-7 to be entertaining. When the Ducks were up 2-0 I was rooting for the game to end with that score. It had been enjoyable to watch despite (or maybe because of) the dearth of goals. The first ten minutes of the second period included some serious, high-octane hockey. Even though that big-nosed dope Chelios (takes one to know one) stole a power play late in regulation the Ducks were able to hold on. After the game two of the coolest things in sports occured: The post series handshake because ultimately hockey is a gentleman's game. And then watching the conference champ captain hover near but carefully avoid touching the conference trophy. Hockey players aren't superstitous at all.



So, now what? All of my evil teams have been eliminated. I don't really care who wins the Cup from here. Will Southern California win its first Cup or will the trophy return to Canada for the first time since the first Clinton administration? (I was going to look up the Canadian Prime Minister in '93 to insert here, but that just seemed like too much work.) Will Anaheim's star defense be able to contain Ottawa's star offense? Am I the only one south of the border who cares?

Chuck P. Does It Again.

While I'm sure there are plenty, I've yet to find an author who can top Chuck Palahniuk for creating nutty, fucked up worlds which I love to read about, but pray don't really exist. With Rant, Palahniuk once again walks the line between genius and madman. In my opinion, it doesn't reach the level of my favorites (Choke, Survivor and Fight Club); if you're a fan, however, I don't think you'll be dissapointed. So much goes on in the story that I can't say much about it without issuing a spoiler alert. So I won't go any further. Just know that only from Chuck's feverish imagination can you get a story that interwines rabies, serial killers, car crashes and religion. Enjoy!

Funny Stuff.

I think this car dealer ad spoof is older, but I just found it on Don and Mike's website. It is pretty funny, just don't watch it with the kiddies around due to some very raw language. http://www.donandmikewebsite.com/news2/EEZupyVAVZdGdbJIPn.shtml

Summer Greed, Make Me Feel Fine.

I am trying to decide who is stealing more money this summer, Roger Clemens or the producers of Spiderman 3 ? Why does Hollywood want to turn our superheroes into pouting wussies? What happened to brooding bad asses? Why have I started this post with four straight questions?

Movie Spidey has joined Movie Superman as a hero with feelings. Well, I could use my superhero movies with a little less weeping and a whole lot less dancing. I'm sure there were a half dozen romantic comedies that I could have attended had I wanted to watch a relationship flick. What's next? Maybe the Incredible Hulk will scrape his knee and his mommy will kiss his boo-boo. Maybe the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman can go on Dr Phil to discuss their on again-off again relationship. The worst part about Spiderman 3, however, is that even when it sticks to the superhero stuff it doesn't succeed. Bloated with tree villians, bad jokes and ho-hum action made this latest installment average at best. Thanks Sam Raimi for destroying my second favorite superhero.

As for that "real" hero, Roger Clemens, I don't even know where to begin. The guy plays by his own rules, deciding when and where he'll come back to pitch. He has teams falling all over themselves to pay him millions for half a season. After signing a contract with the Yankees that will pay him $4.5 million per month, he had the balls to say "If you think it's about the money, you are greatly mistaken." Well Rocket, I guess I'm as wrong as I'll ever be because I'm pretty sure you did it for the money. If it was for the love of the game I'm thinking you might have cut the Boss some slack. Of course it was for the money and the giant ego stroke that he needs every spring. GM Brian Cashman should get off his knees.

As for the ridiculous amount of money, I'm not going to argue that point. I think we can stipulate that athletes are overpaid. (However, I don't blame them for cashing in on what the market will bear. They are skilled pros that can do things many of us cannot. Besides, as long as I pay high ticket prices and drink $7 ballpark beers I wouldn't have much of a leg to stand on.) I would rather argue the merits of paying about $18 mil to a soon-to-be 45 year old pitcher. Actually, with the luxury tax the Yyankees pay, the 4.5 per month really costs Big Stein $6.3 per. Clemens has been outstanding the last two years, but he has a balky hamstring that isn't getting any younger. The Yanks were only a fistful of games out of first when they made the move. Not exactly panic time. I also wonder if Clemens maintains enough goodwill in that clubhouse to ward off jealousy about his special status. In order to spend more time with his family, Clemens is only required to be with the team on the days he pitches. Nice gig if you can get it. Hopefully, he'll pull his hammie and his tongue in his first start. of course, if he does that early Big Stein will just find another mercenary to bring on board. When you are playing with Yankee dollars, the rules are different.

Fancy Footwear.

Has anyone else grown tired of all these kids with wheels in their sneakers? These innocent looking shoes, concealing wheels, that in an instant can transform into roller derby crash machines. At the supermarket or at work I am nearly run over by kids flying around the corner. Sometimes they are out of control and don't give a damn. Other times they freak me out by slowly floating by like a ghost in a Scooby-Doo cartoon. I've started openly rooting for these kids to wipeout and take out a stack of canned corn or take a header into the salad bar. Harsh? Perhaps, but better they crash into the grocer's freezer than me. Oh, and if you know where they sell them in adult sizes, let me know because I'd love a pair.