Disney made movie news yesterday by revealing the official title of Star Wars Episode VII. I'm not sure what to think about the title, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, but at least it was neat news for fans. I'm pleased to announce that we here at That's No Moon Galactic Headquarters have discovered another scoop from a galaxy far, far away that may interest fans. J.J. Abrams has kept a tight lid on the entire project, but we have inside sources (Many Bothans died to bring us this information.) that have revealed to us the title sequence and "crawl" that will open Episode VII. Picture these giant yellow words floating into space as John Williams' title theme crescendos:
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
(Sponsored by Folger's)
Emboldened by the droid nuptials of C-3PO and R2-D2, a union made possible by the New Republic lifting its ban on gay marriage, Han Solo makes a deathbed revelation that his relationship with his hetero-life partner, Chewbacca, has actually been a forty year love affair.
A devastated Princess Leia, fearing Wookie syphilis and a life without her scruffy looking nerf herder, flees Tatooine and dabbles in the dark side.* Her fear leads to anger, her anger leads to hate, blah, blah, blah. With revenge on her mind, she grows powerful and begins construction on, you guessed it, yet another Death Star.
Luke, having a "bad feeling about this", chases after the fleeing Leia. However, he is marooned when his X-Wing Flight 815 crashes on a deserted island. Here he communes with Jedi ghosts, including a young and old version of his father, Anakin, and a time-traveling Dr. Spock. He is left to ponder if he is alive or in purgatory, and just how he can save the galaxy...
*No, that does not mean Lando.