Suspended Washington Capitals forward Tom Wilson has his appeal hearing with the independent arbitrator today. We here at Hailey Industries found enough change in the couch cushions to fire up our time machine. We were able to jump into the future just far enough to witness the hearing. This is a transcript of the proceedings.
Setting:
A conference room in NHL Headquarters. It is appointed and furnished like a normal
conference room except the walls are bathed in a weird purple hue and there are
small, white blinking lights all around leaving the room looking sort of like a
game show set. Seated on one side of a
long table is suspended Washington Capitals forward Tom Wilson. Through the door walks a tall man with a deep
tan and bleached white teeth. The sound
of thunderous applause roars from…somewhere.
The tall man stands at the end of the table to Wilson’s left. Staring into the distance, the man begins to
speak.
Johhny Hairdo: Hi, everybody, and welcome to another
exciting edition of “What’s Your Appeal?”
I’m your host, Johnny Hairdo.
Today’s contestant is Capitals forward Tom Wilson. Hiya, Tom!
Wilson: (muttering)
What the fu…
Johnny Hairdo:
Exactly! Now let’s meet your opponent…er, I mean the completely neutral,
independent arbitrator assigned by the league, Mr. Barry Gettman.
(In walk four
individuals who seat themselves across from Wilson. One, a short, balding man
looks suspiciously like the Count from Sesame Street, but wearing large glasses
and a bushy, obviously fake moustache, begins to speak.)
Barry Gettman: Hi,
Tom. I’m Barry Gettman. I’ve been asked by Commissioner Gary Bettman
to hear, and fairly adjudicate your case today.
Before we hear your version of events, I’d like to introduce my team of
totally impartial assistant arbitrators.
I think you know, Sidney Crosby.
(Wild applause
sounds)
Crosby: Like it or
lump it, I’m an NHL elder statesman!
Barry Gettman: And
you may also know Don Cherry.
Cherry: See my suit covered in this wild pattern of
middle fingers? I had it made just for
you A-hole!
Wilson: I…but…what?
Barry Gettman: And to
my left, the newest member of the team, one of the finest legal minds in the
land, my esteemed colleague from Philadelphia-
Gritty: Me Gritty!
Wilson: Wow. I know today is Halloween. Is this some sort of joke?
Gritty: Trick or
treat, Mother F-
Johnny Hairdo: I wish
it was! Mr. Gettman (wink), you’re up
first.
Barry Gettman:
Thanks, Johnny. Now, Tommy, I’ve read
Commissioner Bettman’s nuanced, beautifully written ruling on your initial
appeal. He really took you behind the
woodshed, huh? Can you tell us about the night of your brutal on-ice attack when
you almost murdered helpless St. Louis Blues player Oskar Sundqvist?
Wilson: Well, I, uh,
saw Oskar cut across the ice, I knew we were below the hard deck, but I had the
shot, so I took it. He should have had his head up.
Cherry: Top Gun
references will get you nowhere, son. C’mon, you are Canadian for chrissakes. You want a Top Gun reference, boy? You keep
this crap up and you’ll be flying a plane full of rubber dog shit to Hong
Kong. How you like them apples, eh? See I watch movies too, Titface.
Wilson: Man, I thought
you liked North American players.
Cherry: Not you,
Shitpile. You have that Ovechkin
Eurotrash stink all over you. Wrap
yourself in a Maple Leaf and we’ll talk.
Crosby (snickering
and shaking his head): Hehe, Shitpile. Don, you’re incorrigible.
Barry Gettman: Um,
thanks Don. Anything else to say in your
defense, Tom, before we wrap up this charade?
Wilson: Yes,
sir. I think sitting out these ten games
has been beneficial. I’ve seen how I need
to change my game and think I am ready to get back on the ice.
Barry Gettman (under
his breath): That seems unlikely.
Wislon: What?
Barry Gettman: I
said, before I make my ruling I’d like to hear my colleagues’
recommendations. Should we alter the
length of Mr. Wilson’s suspension? Sid?
Crosby: Yes. Make it forty games.
Gettman: Don?
Cherry: Hang him. And all those other nutsacks rocking the red.
Gettman: Gritty?
Gritty: Yep. Reduce to
19 games if me allowed to shoot him in balls with T-shirt gun!
Gettman: Okay, panel
thanks for weighing in. I will consider
all your, uh, helpful recommendations.
Tom, I will take all of today’s testimony under advisement and will hand
down a ruling, hopefully, by Christmas.
Wilson: But-
Johnny Hairdo:
Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have. Thanks for playing. We’ll see next time, and for you Tom, I’m
sure there will be a next time, on “What’s Your Appeal!” Goodnight, Everybody!
