Red, Red Rain.

I guess I'm moving to China. First, cardboard filled biscuits and now-they can control the weather . Cloud seeding, which apparently has a history of mixed success, will be used to induce pregnant clouds to deliver raindrops prior to the Olympic opening ceremonies, leaving nothing but pollution-free blue skies. At least that's the plan. Chinese scientists claim great success using silver iodide to help raindrops form, others are dubious. Oh, excuse me, I've just been handed this note-my dying, brown grass would like to know where we keep the silver iodide. Anyway, I think we should send in James Bond to stop these diabolical, weather altering mad men at the Beijing Weather Modification Office. Or perhaps, I'll open an umbrella stand when I get to there.



As an aside, the article also contains my new favorite quote "A heavy downpour will be impossible to combat."

It's Over.

You don't have to be Brit "Somebody, please take the stick out of my ass" Hume or Tim "I just ate an entire turkey" Russert to know that the '08 presidential race is over. With Oprah's endorsement of, and September fundraiser for, Barack Obama, this race is over. The Oprah Effect makes the next 15 months of campaigning irrelevant. (or as Killer's principal says, irrevelant). I've watched in awe as Oprah has catapulted bad to mediocre books to a seemingly permanent perch on the best seller list.

Now, obviously, I'm being sarcastic and ,obviously, presidential candidates are far different than books, but don't underestimate Oprah or the power she holds with her sheep. She has the power to tap into a group of people that may not regularly vote. If she really marshalled all of her forces she would have quite a platform from which to hypnotize, er, I mean promote. Of course, if Obama wants to really seal the deal, he'll not just attend her fundraiser, he'll invite her to join his ticket.

Another Movie Review Haiku

Transformers

Prime cool, rest were lame
Met my low expectations
Mike Bay makes me sad

Movie Review Haiku

Live Free Or Die Hard

Big bangs, Bruce looks old
Implausible action scenes
Silly popcorn fun

This Bun Tastes Like Cardboard.

That's because it IS cardboard. Remind me to brownbag my lunch when I'm in Bejing for the Olympics next year. From the Washington Times:


"In the report aired Wednesday night, China Central Television showed a shirtless, shorts-clad bun maker in Beijing using cardboard picked up off the street to stuff his steamed buns.
A hidden camera followed the man into a ramshackle building where steamers were filled with the fluffy white buns, called baozi, traditionally stuffed with minced pork.
It showed how cardboard was first soaked to a pulp in a plastic basin of caustic soda — a chemical base commonly used in manufacturing paper and soap — then chopped into tiny morsels with a cleaver. Fatty pork and powdered seasoning were stirred in as flavoring and the concoction was stuffed into the buns."



If you like, check the rest of the article here-http://washingtontimes.com/article/20070713/BUSINESS/107130046/1006

Worth A Look.

I just finished reading Paul Reickhoff's "Chasing Ghosts" and I suggest anyone interested in the Iraq War and the state of our nation's foreign policy check it out. Reickhoff was a National Guard Reserve platoon leader that landed in Baghdad in Spring 2003. Reickhoff isn't the most humble guy,but he does point out the many flaws of the invasion and the complete lack of forethought that went into post-invasion complications. Poor planning, old, broken down equipment and out of touch commanders made an already dangerous mission that much more so for Reickhoff and his men. The book also lends great insight into the Iraqi civilians who were put in a precarious situation by our invasion. (These same civilians that today Ann Coulter basically called expendable when, on "Hardball with Chris Matthews", she suggested that a less clean war disregarding collateral damage in Iraq would break the spirit of the enemy.) You can find a few more details and reviews of the book here . It's not the greatest read ever, but it does put you on the ground in the middle of this blunder.

Where Is Trader Joe's When I Need It?

I have concluded that doing our grocery shopping at Wal-Mart is what it must be like to visit a prostitute. You know you shouldn't do it and you know you'll regret it, yet an hour later later you feel empty, you've spent $100 and you have syphillis.

Okay, I may not have contracted syphillis, but I did nearly have a stroke while waiting for the half human-half snail that manned the deli counter to slice my baked ham. The icing on the cake was reaching the cashier with my conveyor belt full only to be told by the cashier that she would be right back because she had to get more bags. Nevermind that the carousel had plenty of bags to contain my products and many more. Never mind that there was nobody in line behind me. Nevermind that you could hustle after those unnecessary bags instead of sauntering across the store. Here's an idea-turn off your light, scan my goods, find more bags that you don't really need, and then turn your light back on. I know, I know ...you get what you pay for.

Well?

Hi, Ted Leonsis? The Major Indoor Lacrosse League called and they want their jerseys back.

The Caps revealed their new sweaters tonight and I am a bit underwhelmed. I am elated that they returned to the red, white and blue color scheme. That move was long overdue. However, I was hoping for something a little more dramatic than a retooling of the original jersey. It's strange-I usually like plain looks when it comes to unis. The Leafs, Red Sox and Cowboys all have an iconic feel because they aren't cluttered with zany stripes and swirls like so many jerseys today. These Caps jerseys, though uncluttered, are just boring.

Maybe it's because I never liked the original logo that seemed like an afterthought. (Uh, how about we write "capitals" on the shirt, but we'll make the T a hockey stick). So, I personally think returning to this logo, albeit slightly "futurized", is just an afterthought of an afterthought. Supposedly, they have been working on the design since 2005. So much for Ted L. being a marketing genius.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate them. I understand the numbers and name are much easier to read on TV and from the stands, so that's a plus. It will be cool to see the R,W and B flying around the rink. And the whole change is actually pretty insignificant. If they win, I don't care if they wear garbage bags. Finally, the good news is there is no debate over whether to pay $99 for a new replica jersey.

I know some of you guys liked the old logo. I'd enjoy hearing other thoughts on the new look.

Bagged and Tagged.

Great news Orioles fans-with the dismissal of manager Sam Perlozzo all of the team's flaws are repaired. Now that he is not burdened with filling out line-up cards Perlozzo will move to the bullpen to pitch in relief whenever the new manager needs an arm. Even at age 57, Perlozzo should be able to help a pen that is 0-8 with an 8.00 ERA in June. And on the days he doesn't pitch, Perlozzo will surely club enough home runs to move the O's offense out of last place in that category. Brilliant!

All sarcasm aside, watching the slow, decade-long disintegration of my favorite sports team has been brutal. Add up all the Caps blown 3-1 leads to Pittsburgh, all the Cowboys' 5-11 seasons and every Duke loss to UNC and the hurt doesn't come close to the pain of witnessing this once proud ball team fade away. I can't imagine what it must be like for Brooks, Palmer, Ripken, etc. The organization is in such disarray that a change in managers is not nearly enough. Digging up Casey Stengel or Leo Durocher and popping them in orange and black wouldn't help at this point. Peter Angelos has run off so many credible baseball people (Pat Gillick, Davey Johnson, Frank Wren) and made so many stupid decisions (Albert Belle, Jon Miller, handcuffing his current baseball people) that fans have started wearing paper bags over their heads at Camden Yards. What? Are we the New Orleans Saints? If this losing continues much longer some long-time fans may ignore printed warnings and switch to plastic bags.

At this point, Cheney and Rumsfeld's post-war Iraq plan looks more coherent than any Orioles game plan. The front office has assembled a team that is not built to win any time soon. Beyond their young starting pitching and two position players (Brian Roberts and Nick Markakis) this team has no bright spots. They have invested in slow-footed DH-1B-LF clones Kevin Millar, Aubrey Huff and Jay Gibbons. Those three are essentially the same guy competeing for ABs. Unfortunately, neither of them is even worthy of the ABs. None provides the power numbers teams expect from those positions.

The upper management also invested in Corey Patterson and Melvin Mora, two journeyman veterans that parlayed a good season into a good paycheck. Last summer they passed on the opportunity to trade unhappy, but valuable SS Miguel Tejada. Now, their power hitting SS has only a handful of homers, diminshed range in the field and a whole lot less trade value than he did this time last year. Finally, the front office's crowning achievement was sinking $42 million into revamping a hapless bullpen. So what does $42 million buy you? A cornucopia of disasters:18 losses by the pen, tons of late-inning blown leads and those always devastating walk-off home runs. Any manager would be a fool to walk into this mess. Luck be with anyone who does.

The stupid part about all this is that , as I write this post, I am lamenting the fact that I haven't been to Camden Yards yet this season. Maybe I'm the one that needs help.

Enquiring Minds Want To Know.

I'm not usually one to indulge in tabloid "news", but I'm pretty sure that Julia Roberts gave birth to Tiger Woods' baby on Monday.

Sending Out An S.O.S For The NHL.

After reviewing the ratings for Saturday's NHL Finals Game 3 on NBC I've determined that St4rbux, Killer and I may have been the only people in America that watched that game. And I'm only sure of that because we were in the same room. NBC logged the lowest primetime rating IN ITS HISTORY. I know that they were battling Lebron James' coronation on TNT and sweet summer weather, but it is ridiculous that this game got lower ratings than Mama's family reruns and the Food Network's "Build a Better Burger" or some such nonsense.

Dallas Morning News columnist Tim Cowlishaw offered his ten ways to improve the NHL to save it next year. I agree with some suggestions (contract to fewer teams, change unbalanced schedule) and vigorously disagree with others (limiting playoff overtimes). I'd love to hear some other reactions to his suggestions and suggestions of your own. Personally, I have been a proponent of contraction since before the lockout. I say knock it down to twenty teams to increase the quality of teams and eliminate organizations that are hemmoraging cash. I would even go so far as to say that I would bid the Caps farewell if it meant a stonger NHL in the long term. Hockey remains a grand game; I wish more people cared.

We're Gonna Need A Bigger Apple.

Is there any way that this photo is real? My big honker smells a hoax. I'm not the most informed guy around, but shouldn't I have heard that there are 1/2 ton pigs roaming the the Deep South? To paraphrase the great Tony Kornheiser, this may be a sign of the apocalypse. Is that a laser blaster in the kid's hand? Check out the story about the 11-year old who felled the beast(allegedly) here. See video here.

Real or not, at least I've found my new desktop wallpaper.

Hope New Pic Is OK.

If anyone in my new header pic has any objections to being on the web in such prominent fashion let me know (via comment or e-mail) and I'll remove it immediately.

"The Greatest Steaks In The World"

Apparently, Donald Trump is out of the TV business and into the steak business. Maybe not as absurd as I first thought, he does own restaurants and hotels that serve steaks. What is nutty is that his steaks are being sold through The Sharper Image. Because I enjoy nothing more than sitting in my overpriced leather massage chair, eating a Trump steak that I've cut with my all-purpose Swiss army knife while listening to my hand crank weather radio. Thanks, Sharper Image, now I can do one stop shopping at the mall!

"CHiPs" On DVD

Good News, CHiPs season one is available on DVD. I hope they include that episode when Ponch and John rescue the trapped motorist from the car that's about to explode. You know, the one where they later chase the suspect down the alley in which the squad cars won't fit. The one that ends with disco dancing and freeze frame shots of evrybody laughing at one of Ponch's jokes. I sure hope that one is on there.

Duck, Duck....Red Wings Are Goosed.

I don't care if I'm one of three people who watched it, I thoroughly enjoyed tonight's Game 6 of the Western Conference Finals. Gary Bettman may have nearly choked the sport to death with his carnival game antics such as the shootout, but tonight the grand game was on full display. Besides overtime, tonight's game had all the elements that make playoff hockey fantastic. Great goaltending, pretty goals, a little spilled blood and a frantic finish. Maybe Bettman and his merry band of morons who make up the Committee To Turn Hockey Into Basketball will realize games don't have to finish 8-7 to be entertaining. When the Ducks were up 2-0 I was rooting for the game to end with that score. It had been enjoyable to watch despite (or maybe because of) the dearth of goals. The first ten minutes of the second period included some serious, high-octane hockey. Even though that big-nosed dope Chelios (takes one to know one) stole a power play late in regulation the Ducks were able to hold on. After the game two of the coolest things in sports occured: The post series handshake because ultimately hockey is a gentleman's game. And then watching the conference champ captain hover near but carefully avoid touching the conference trophy. Hockey players aren't superstitous at all.



So, now what? All of my evil teams have been eliminated. I don't really care who wins the Cup from here. Will Southern California win its first Cup or will the trophy return to Canada for the first time since the first Clinton administration? (I was going to look up the Canadian Prime Minister in '93 to insert here, but that just seemed like too much work.) Will Anaheim's star defense be able to contain Ottawa's star offense? Am I the only one south of the border who cares?

Chuck P. Does It Again.

While I'm sure there are plenty, I've yet to find an author who can top Chuck Palahniuk for creating nutty, fucked up worlds which I love to read about, but pray don't really exist. With Rant, Palahniuk once again walks the line between genius and madman. In my opinion, it doesn't reach the level of my favorites (Choke, Survivor and Fight Club); if you're a fan, however, I don't think you'll be dissapointed. So much goes on in the story that I can't say much about it without issuing a spoiler alert. So I won't go any further. Just know that only from Chuck's feverish imagination can you get a story that interwines rabies, serial killers, car crashes and religion. Enjoy!

Funny Stuff.

I think this car dealer ad spoof is older, but I just found it on Don and Mike's website. It is pretty funny, just don't watch it with the kiddies around due to some very raw language. http://www.donandmikewebsite.com/news2/EEZupyVAVZdGdbJIPn.shtml

Summer Greed, Make Me Feel Fine.

I am trying to decide who is stealing more money this summer, Roger Clemens or the producers of Spiderman 3 ? Why does Hollywood want to turn our superheroes into pouting wussies? What happened to brooding bad asses? Why have I started this post with four straight questions?

Movie Spidey has joined Movie Superman as a hero with feelings. Well, I could use my superhero movies with a little less weeping and a whole lot less dancing. I'm sure there were a half dozen romantic comedies that I could have attended had I wanted to watch a relationship flick. What's next? Maybe the Incredible Hulk will scrape his knee and his mommy will kiss his boo-boo. Maybe the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman can go on Dr Phil to discuss their on again-off again relationship. The worst part about Spiderman 3, however, is that even when it sticks to the superhero stuff it doesn't succeed. Bloated with tree villians, bad jokes and ho-hum action made this latest installment average at best. Thanks Sam Raimi for destroying my second favorite superhero.

As for that "real" hero, Roger Clemens, I don't even know where to begin. The guy plays by his own rules, deciding when and where he'll come back to pitch. He has teams falling all over themselves to pay him millions for half a season. After signing a contract with the Yankees that will pay him $4.5 million per month, he had the balls to say "If you think it's about the money, you are greatly mistaken." Well Rocket, I guess I'm as wrong as I'll ever be because I'm pretty sure you did it for the money. If it was for the love of the game I'm thinking you might have cut the Boss some slack. Of course it was for the money and the giant ego stroke that he needs every spring. GM Brian Cashman should get off his knees.

As for the ridiculous amount of money, I'm not going to argue that point. I think we can stipulate that athletes are overpaid. (However, I don't blame them for cashing in on what the market will bear. They are skilled pros that can do things many of us cannot. Besides, as long as I pay high ticket prices and drink $7 ballpark beers I wouldn't have much of a leg to stand on.) I would rather argue the merits of paying about $18 mil to a soon-to-be 45 year old pitcher. Actually, with the luxury tax the Yyankees pay, the 4.5 per month really costs Big Stein $6.3 per. Clemens has been outstanding the last two years, but he has a balky hamstring that isn't getting any younger. The Yanks were only a fistful of games out of first when they made the move. Not exactly panic time. I also wonder if Clemens maintains enough goodwill in that clubhouse to ward off jealousy about his special status. In order to spend more time with his family, Clemens is only required to be with the team on the days he pitches. Nice gig if you can get it. Hopefully, he'll pull his hammie and his tongue in his first start. of course, if he does that early Big Stein will just find another mercenary to bring on board. When you are playing with Yankee dollars, the rules are different.

Fancy Footwear.

Has anyone else grown tired of all these kids with wheels in their sneakers? These innocent looking shoes, concealing wheels, that in an instant can transform into roller derby crash machines. At the supermarket or at work I am nearly run over by kids flying around the corner. Sometimes they are out of control and don't give a damn. Other times they freak me out by slowly floating by like a ghost in a Scooby-Doo cartoon. I've started openly rooting for these kids to wipeout and take out a stack of canned corn or take a header into the salad bar. Harsh? Perhaps, but better they crash into the grocer's freezer than me. Oh, and if you know where they sell them in adult sizes, let me know because I'd love a pair.