If not now, when?

I have been ruminating for days on a Caps/Pens blog post.  With so much history, much of it lopsided, there are not many fresh angles to take.  Pens almost always win, Caps dominate a game but lose, puck deflects in off defenseman's skate, no-name cheesedick in black and gold becomes a hero, hot goalie, blah, blah, blah.  Perhaps a deeper topic will emerge over the course of the series.  Until then, my brief fact/opinion preview of Capitals v. Tundra Pigeons:

Fact: Practicing mindfulness teaches us to live in the present moment, existing unburdened by the past or the future.
Opinion: In regards to the this series, I presently wallow in the past and fear the future.

Fact: Injured Penguins defenseman Chris Letang will not play in this series.
Opinion: Even without Letang, the Pens boast the douchiest roster in the league.

Fact: Despite being a whiny brat, Sidney Crosby fearlessly works in the dirtiest parts of the rink.
Opinion: His favorite "dirty parts of the rink" to work in are other players' crotches.

Fact: This is the tenth postseason series in which the Caps and Pens have met.  The Penguins have won eight of the previous nine.
Opinion: The hockey gods do not care about the law of averages, being "due", whose "time" it is.

Fact: Alex Ovechkin is 0-2 in the playoffs versus the Penguins.
Opinion:  Ovi and his mates have never been better equipped to defeat the Pens.

Fact: Good things happen when you go to the net.
Opinion: The Penguins do this better/ more often than the Caps.

Fact: The Pens are fast.
Opinion:  Having just dispatched the speedy Leafs will help the Caps.

Fact: There are two schools of thought regarding the Capitals first round series with the Leafs. One: such a close series versus the eighth seed was tiring and shows how vulnerable Washington is versus Pittsburgh. Or...the tough series made the Caps battle-hardened and ready for anything the Pens bring.
Opinion: We are waaaaay overthinking this.

Fact: Nate Schmidt played well while replacing the injured Karl Alzner. 
Opinion: When Alzner returns, Schmidt should stay in the lineup as well.

Fact: The Caps have twice (1992 and 1995) blown 3-1 series leads to the Pens. (Remember when we though that was as bad as it could get? Hahahahahaha, we were so young and foolish.)
Opinion: They won't have to worry about that problem in this series.

Fact: Pierre Maguire, the Doug Llewelyn of NHL hockey, will be interviewing a hero from the winning team at series' end.
Opinion: That player will be wearing.....Red.
Fact: Typing it doesn't make it true.

Wednesday Mailbag

On the morning of Caps/Leafs Game Four, my inbox is jammed with letters from readers asking about (surprise!) Game 4.  Let's dive in and answer a few questions from actual That's No Moon readers.  (It's called a plot device people.  Did you never watch Viewer Mail?)

Hi Bryan,  Given that he appears to be getting outcoached through three games, is #InTrotzWeTrust still a thing? - Doubtful in D.C.

Thanks for the question, Doubtful.  Yes, Barry Trotz seems to be getting outcoached thus far, with CSNWashington analyst Alan May going so far as to say that Toronto head coach Mike Babcock is "running the Capitals" right now.  Yes, Trotz seems too caught up in matchups, instead of trying to use his teams superior talent to dictate play.  Yes, one of my major criticisms of former Caps coach Bruce Boudreau was his inability to adapt over the course of a seven game series.  We'll see if Trotz and staff can and/or will.  Yes, Trotz, despite his resume, his professionalism, and saying all the right things, resembles a man who is just trying to keep his head above water as he begins to comprehend that he had no clue what it would be like to be swept up in the wave of curse that is this franchise.  But, yes, #InTrotzWeTrust is still a thing because I paid a lot of money for all those bumper stickers.

Hey B, longtime listener, first time caller.  The Caps gave up four goals Wednesday night.  Braden Holtby looks more concerned with hair flips and water bottle squirts than stopping pucks.  'Bout time to go to Grubauer, don't you think?  I'll hang up and listen for your answer. - Overreacting in Odenton

Uh, Overreacting, I'm not sure you understand how blogs, mailbags, or goaltending work.  The first goal took a fluke bounce onto a 40-goal scorer's stick.  The second goal was deflected.  The third goal was scored only after Holtby made an incredible save from point blank range with his defenders out of position, and the fourth goal occurred on a deflection in the waning seconds of a Toronto penalty on a fresh sheet of ice.  Holtby made many impressive saves and one daring (stupid if doesn't work) poke check forty feet from his crease.  Thanks, but even with his tics and peculiarities, I'm riding with the Holtbeast.

Hello Bryan, Do you remember the exact moment you began hating yourself for being a Capitals fan? - Curious in Clarendon

No, I've been spending more time trying to deduce where this franchise went wrong.  The ineptitude in key moments is uncanny.  The lack of confidence in clutch opportunities is bizarre.  The wilting under pressure is nearly inexplicable.  Did Abe Polin build the original Capital Centre on ancient Indian burial grounds?  Did Vincent Price once give Nick Backstrom a cursed tiki idol when he vacationed in Hawaii?  Did Alex Ovechkin sell his soul for 700 goals and zero Cups?

Bryan, Supposing the Caps limp by the Maple Leafs, what is the probability Washington will get smoked by the Penguins in Round Two? - Resigned in Reston

I'm going to let my guy K2SO field that one:

Good morning Bryan,  Do you think fans will be excited when the Caps raise their latest President's Trophy banner to the Verizon Center rafters next fall?  Asking for a friend. - Ted  Fred in Washington

*sigh*

Beezer, If the Capitals lose Game 4 is it okay to burn all my red hats, jerseys, and pompoms tonight, or does fan code require waiting until the actual end of the series? - Kevin in Indiana

Put the cap back on the gas can, Sparky.  I say Washington wins tonight to even the series.  I'd like to say they will handle their business the way the Sharks handled theirs while down two games to one to a young, talented upstart, but I see no way the Caps hang seven goals on the Leafs.  As great as a dominating performance would be, we're likely looking at another back and forth, one goal game.  Heck, at this point, just for the sheer weirdness of it, I'd love to see seven overtime games; make it as a close a series as possible.  I think the Caps win Game 5, lose Game 6 back in Toronto, and return home for another historically-unkind, fraught-with-danger, watch-what-happens, pressure cooker of a Game 7.  As much as we bemoan it, would we fans want it any other way?

Beginning of the Beginning, or Beginning of the End?

And so it begins.  Like Opening Day and pollen-induced sneezing attacks, Spring brings with it another NHL postseason.  Writing about the Washington Capitals' hopes, battles, and failures has become an annual routine which I simultaneously enjoy and despise.  So many Aprils begin with promise only to crumble into disappointment.  Each year we fans can enumerate the reasons it will be different, while wondering deep down if it actually can be.  The reasons for the Caps' demises are sometimes surprising, sometimes predictable, yet always expected.  Each Spring the team treats its collective fan psyche like a United Airlines passenger in need of "re-accommodation."  With only a couple minor changes, last season's postseason preview could serve as today's.  The eternal question remains: Will 2017 be different, or will this team add another verse to the franchise's long-running hit song "The Second Round Blues"?  My notes for the first round matchup with the Toronto Maple Leafs:

Fact: The Caps and Leafs have never met in the playoffs.
Opinion: By series end, I will have added a new team to my Love to Hate list.

Fact: Leafs coach Mike Babcock has led teams to one Stanley Cup victory and two gold medals.
Opinion: So what?  In Trotz We Trust.

Fact: With Game 2 scheduled for Saturday night, an Easter Epic is possible.
Opinion:  Easter Epics suck.

Fact: Toronto is the media capital of the NHL.  The spotlight on this series will be bright.
Opinion:  Alex Ovechkin loves playing in Canada and will rise to the occasion.

Fact: Toronto rookie center Auston Matthews had a sensational season, finishing with 40 goals.
Opinion: Auston, meet Jay Beagle.  For the next two weeks, he'll be closer to you than your underwear.

Fact:  Olaf Kolzig, during his 1998 playoff run, posted the best postseason goaltending performance in Capitials' history.
Opinion: To win the Cup, The Holtbeast will have to surpass Godzilla's outstanding play.

Fact: The abundant available puns regarding sweeping/raking/crunching/blowing away the Leafs are difficult for this dad joker to resist.
Opinion: Shouldn't they be called the Toronto Maple Leaves?

Fact: This Leafs team is young, fast, and talented.
Opinion: This series would be better with Tie Domi.

Opinion: My beard is better than ever.
Fact: I'm grasping for good omens.

Fact: This season, the Caps earned their third President's Trophy.  No team has won three without winning a Stanley Cup.
Opinion: How you view this fact illustrates how you envision the next two months of hockey.

Fact: By regular season record, Washington is far superior to Toronto.
Opinion:  The playoffs are different.  Washington likes to make things difficult. Caps in six games.

It's Almost 'O'pening Day

Since 2012, the Orioles have confounded baseball pundits and number-crunching SABREmetricians.  From upside down run differentials to preposterous starters' Earned Run Averages, Buck Showalter's Baltimore teams win despite what conventional wisdom predicts will happen.  Playoff appearances in 2012,2014, and 2016 were fueled by bargain free agent pickups, a talented bullpen, and a little Orioles Magic.  To make the playoffs in 2017 it will take more of the same.  This team, on paper, looks like it will be lucky to crack .500.  Fans hope Buck and the boys have a few tricks up their sleeves.  Trying to predict what the summer, and hopefully fall, holds requires a spirited debate between the head and the heart, between evidence and wishful thinking, between what we know and what we think we know:

Fact: With brash talk and clutch play, Adam Jones led Team USA to victory in the World Baseball Classic.
Opinion: Winning is contagious.  Captain America and the O's get off to a hot April start.

Fact: Manny Machado finished fifth in American League MVP voting last season.
Opinion: Manny will ride 50 doubles and his first 200 hit season to a second-place MVP finish.

Fact: Matt Wieters left via free agency.
Opinion: Thanks to Wellington Castillo and Caleb Joseph, Wieters will not be missed.  Castillo will prove to be one of the baseball's sleeper signings of the offseason.

Fact: Last season, Mark Trumbo was the latest of Dan Duquette's successful scrap heap pickups.
Opinion:  Trumbo will not come close to replicating last year's numbers, further complicating a crowded DH/1B/OF situation.

Fact: The 2017 starting rotation will make no one forget 1971's four twenty game winners.
Opinion:  "Kevin and Dylan and pass the penicillin" may be the new "Spahn and Sain and pray for rain."

Fact: Two teams, the 1996 Yankees and 2001 Diamondbacks, won the World Series the year after dismissing Buck Showalter as manager.
Opinion: Leave my Buck alone.

Fact: The Orioles blasted 253 home runs in 2016.
Opinion:  With this starting rotation they may need to hit 300 in 2017.

Fact: Baltimore did little to improve their corner outfield positions.
Opinion:  The disparity between the quality of the O's infield defense and outfield defense is the widest in baseball.

Fact: Kevin Gausman is scheduled to make his first Opening Day start on Monday.
Opinion:  Gausman will take an Adam Jones post-game pie to the face after a strong Game 1 performance.

Fact: During Showalter's tenure, the Orioles have missed the playoffs in the odd years ('11,'13,'15).
Opinion: This season they "Buck" that trend by defying expectations and sneaking into the second wild card.

Fact: I've been wrong before.

Hey, You Kids Get Off My Rink!

NHL general managers convened in Boca Raton this week in their annual bid to screw up the coolest game on Earth.  They brainstorm and workshop proposed rule changes regarding everything from on-ice play to calculating standings and playoff seeding.  Then the media speculate on what changes could be adopted and offer their own ideas.  Then the trickle-down continues and you get influential hockey bloggers like myself adding my two cents' worth.  My luke-warm takes on some of the ideas floating around NHL rinks:

The Three Point Win: I understand the desire to change the current point system which makes no distinction between a win in regulation or overtime/shootout. Some GMs feel there should be a bigger reward for winning versus losing in overtime.  Proponents would award three points for a victory in regulation, two points for a victory in OT/SO, and one point for an OT/SO loss.  The thinking goes, teams would play harder, in theory elevating play, during regulation if the payoff for winning in regulation were greater.  I think the solution is much simpler.  I would eliminate rewarding a team for losing in OT/SO.  I was pleased to read this morning that, according to USA Today legendary championship architect Lou Lamoriello agrees, “I’m not one personally in favor of a three-point game,” he said. “I’m also not in favor of getting a point if you don’t win. I’d rather see the game be two points and zero (points) or end up in a tie for one and one.” Personally, I prefer the old two points for a win, one point for a tie system to what we have now or the possibility of a three point game.  Since more games are ending in overtime thanks to 3v3 play I would extend the overtime period to ten minutes. We eliminate the dreadful shootout. Go kiss your sister and take your point.  If forced to keep the shootout to ensure there are no ties, then the plan is even simpler.  Eliminate the point system and simply count wins and losses like most other big sports. (I say "like most" because I don't follow soccer enough to know all the implications of goal differential.)  The main point is neither MLB, the NFL, or the NBA reward a team for losing in extra innings/overtime.  It's silly.

Leaving Your Feet To Block Shots: One of the silliest on the list, in my opinion, but a proposal that seems to be picking up steam.  The idea, first brought up by Hall of Famer Bob Gainey in 2008, would make it against the rules to slide or lay down to block a shot.  Sure, there is a lot of congestion in front of the net.  Big deal.  I think if a guy is brave/dumb enough to slide into a slapshot we should give him a high-five not a penalty (or change of possession).  Doing whatever it takes to keep the puck out of your net is an instinctual part of playing defense.

Eliminating Face-offs: Some suggest eliminating faceoffs except at the beginning of periods and after goals.  Why? To generate more offense.  The theory is an offense given uncontested possession at the top of the zone would be able to generate a quicker (better) scoring chance from the whistle.  I don't think it would increase offense dramatically, though I have read analytics estimates that predict it would.  What eliminating faceoffs would do is get rid of one of the more nuanced, least-appreciated aspects of the game.  Certain players have lifted winning faceoffs into an art form.  They study opponents' tendencies, techniques, and body language.  It becomes a subtle game within the game.  It may seem tedious to some, but believe me, this isn't like MLB eliminating the intentional walk. This is more akin to dispensing with pickoffs/holding runners on base.  Sabremetricians may be able to point to numbers showing faceoffs are not as consequential as we think they are, but I would be sad to see them go.  This isn't street hockey.

The Bye Week:  Designed to give players a brief reprieve from a grueling schedule, the extended break instead kills any momentum a team has rolling.  Teams have combined for a 10-16-4 record in their first games back from the bye.  Plus, I see these annoying pictures of my favorite players sunning in Cancun when they should be on the ice.  The only photos I need of my favorite players partying are when they are, hopefully, showing off their newly-won Stanley Cup.  Want to make the schedule less grueling?  Cut ten or twelve games from the schedule and dispose of as many back-to-back games as possible.  This keeps players fresher and allows for more practice time. 

Making the Goals Wider and/or Taller: A fundamental change to the game that should not even be discussed.  Moving on.

 4v4 As the Default Mode of Play: See above.

Tweaking the Offsides Instant Replay Rule:  Please, hockey gods, yes.  I get wanting to use replay to get as many calls correct as possible.  However, being able to challenge an offsides call that happened minutes earlier is counterproductive.  It seems cheap.  It slows the game as linesmen crowd around a tiny tablet trying to determine whether a skate blade was a fraction of an inch beyond the blue line.  It saps momentum and probably instills doubt in the linesmen.  A better use of resources would be to figure a way (I am not proposing using replay or challenges for this!) for referees to not miss as many obvious penalty calls.) 

Continued penalties:  Penalized players would serve their entire two or four minute penalty even if the man-up team scores.  This used to be the rule until it was changed in the 1950's because Montreal's powerhouses would dominate on the power play.  I could be talked into liking this one, but I think a better way to sufficiently penalize a team would be to Call Icing All the Time.  This proposal doesn't allow the shorthanded team a free dump to relieve pressure in the defensive zone.  It makes the penalty more of a punishment without changing the integrity of play.

Wild Card Play-in Games: Yes, baseball's wild card games are often incredibly exciting. I'm still smarting from Eduardo Encarnacion's walk-off dispatch of the Orioles last October.  Yes, hockey Games 7 are about as good as sports get.  Why not recreate that level of excitement for a one game play-in?  Because if you are the ninth and tenth best team in the conference, you don't deserve to be in the playoffs, that's why.  While we are at it, one change I would like to see is the conferences go back to straight seeding for the playoffs.  Best record plays eighth best record and so on,  regardless of division or division standings.  Teams should be better rewarded for a successful 82 (or hopefully 70) game season.

Most of the changes discussed above are on the table because the NHL is searching for ways to increase offense and scoring which they equate with making the game better.  In my opinion, the NHL would be better served to realize it is a relatively niche sport that will not attract millions of new casual fans simply by tweaking the game at the expense of those who already love it.  Can it be better? Sure.  But bigger goals, fewer faceoffs, and carnival games to end games are not the right way to grow the game. 

Disney Is So Gay!

Grace recently did me a great service, reminding me, in the way that sometimes only our kids can, of what is important.  Taking advantage of an unseasonably warm winter afternoon, we went for ice cream before starting her homework. (I know, we're so crazy!)  Grace, not entirely pleased with her selection, asked if she could try my sundae.  We were already driving so I told her she had to wait until we got home.  Once home, I offered her a bite of my dessert.  She told me she had changed her mind, threw her arms around me, and said, "Ice cream only lasts a little while, but a hug lasts forever.  Hugs are better than ice cream."  This made me smile for a couple reasons.  One, I didn't have to share my delicious sundae.  Two, it was the perfect reminder that it's not the stuff, the things, the gifts, that our kids need.  Sure, they ask for the trendy clothes or hot toys they see in commercials.  But what they really crave is us.  Our gift to our kids is our time, our presence, our attention.  My kid just wants to hang out with me.  Knowing that feeling won't last forever, what could possibly be more important?

One of our family's favorite ways to hang out is watching movies together, whether at home or on the big screen.  Yes, it can be annoying sometimes.  For every Star Wars or Ghostbusters we get to share with Grace , Amanda and I have to roll our eyes through a Chipwrecked.  It's worth it, of course, because it's about the hanging out, remember?  Next on our list of family movie hang time, is the live-action remake of Beauty and the Beast.  To hear some tell it, this would not be spending quality time with Grace.  Instead, we'd be doing her a disservice, or worse. From the Washington Times:

Evangelist Franklin Graham is calling on Christians to boycott Disney due to the company's promotion of homosexuality in its children's movies and cartoons.

Pointing to the inclusion of a gay character in the upcoming Beauty and the Beast live-action remake, Mr. Graham said Disney is, "trying to push the LBGT agenda into the hearts and minds of your children."

Look, I understand if you think homosexuality is a sin.  I understand, if as a theater owner, you opt to not show the movie.  I understand if you sign the boycott petition and skip the movie.  What I don't understand is the outrage.  The outrage at Disney including a character (in 2017!) that represents people Grace sees in her daily life and her extended family.  The outrage about an "exclusively gay moment" that has yet to even be fully described.  Unless Lumiere bends Cogsworth over and grinds his gears with one (or more, kinky!) of his six-inch candles, I think Grace will be just fine.  LeFou and Gaston may share a kiss, or hold hands, or stare longingly into each others eyes.  These are actions Grace could see on any street in any town across the country, not something from which she needs to be shielded.  Disney is being inclusive, not promoting, as the actual petition calls it, a "harmful sexual political agenda."

Let's assume Disney does have sinister motives beyond trying to sell movie tickets.  What if I make Grace wear a tin foil hat?  Will that make her less susceptible to having The Agenda beamed directly into her innocent, apparently extremely malleable mind?  Is this hypnotizing Agenda stronger than honest conversations she can/will have with her parents?  I doubt it.  If during the movie her tin hat falls off, I am no more afraid Grace will be turned gay by what she sees on-screen than I am that she will fall in love with a yak in a waistcoat or begin talking to the teapot.  No movie moment is going to destroy your child.  Even if there is a mysterious LBGT agenda, I imagine it has less to do with raising godless fornicators and more to do with equality for all, being comfortable with who you are, embracing those different than you, and loving who you love.  If so, consider the agenda pushed  in our household.  For fun, though, let's spin this scenario one step further.  Suppose, through a little Disney magic and sprinkling of fairy dust, taking Grace to see  this movie actually makes her gay.  So what?  I'd be proud to have a gay daughter.  Heck, for all I know, I have one.  I'm not going to love her less if she likes girls.  I would hope the people signing the boycott petition would not love their gay kids any less either. 

In all likelihood, the "controversial" gay moment will sail right over Grace's head.  If it doesn't, we'll talk about it.  It won't be a big deal. I think she'll be happy enough watching Belle on the big screen while wearing her bright yellow costume dress.  Just to piss off the haters, I might wear mine, too.

The Things We Choose To Care About

From the moment the doctor analyzing the sonogram told Amanda and me to "start saving for the wedding", I wondered if I could be, and am, a good father to a daughter.  A father that sets the right example of how women should be treated.  A father that can encourage her to possess self-respect, a healthy body image, and the courage to stand up for herself.  Eight years into this crazy parenthood experiment, I think I am doing okay, but we are in an era where gender roles, or least societal expectations of them, are constantly shifting.  As the modes of influence (tv, social media, classmates) that can shape our daughters' worldview evolve and multiply at an unprecedented pace, so too do the advice and rules for guys.  In some ways, it has never been more confusing to know what it means to "act like a man."  I don't just mean the perplexing man bun trend.  Surf the internet or scroll through your newsfeed and you will see the contradictory info with which men/dads are bombarded:  All men should be feminists.  Men can't possibly understand enough to be feminists.  Treat your lady like a queen.  Men are the head of the family to whom the wife should submit. (Chuckling to myself as I wonder how that demand would go over in my house.) Yay, American Girl has released a boy doll! Ew, gender neutral toys are terrible.  "Nick’s ‘Nella the Princess Knight’ Is A Kick-Ass Heroine Your Kids Will Love ."  Lady Ghostbusters are a bunch of C-words!  In a world of mixed messages where young men apparently flirt by sending dick pics, or as a female friend calls them, Unsolicited Richards, I cringe thinking about the way women, including my growing daughter, are/will be treated. 

I know the best way to handle advising Grace as she grows is to let my wife do all the talking.  All kidding aside, I have recently been thinking this through more deeply.  I am examining my behaviors and habits, wondering if I need to adjust.  Yesterday, while in line at the grocery store a beautiful young woman got in line behind me.  How young I don't know; everybody looks younger to me these days.  But old enough to buy the two bottles of wine she was juggling in one hand (Not literally, unfortunately. The story isn't that interesting.) while holding an overflowing basket in the other.  Being that I held a much lighter basket, I offered to let her go in front of me.  She politely declined and that was the end of our interaction.  Yet, it got me thinking overthinking.  (It's kind of what I do.  The rate of overthinking in our house is exceeded only by the rate at which we consume Nutella.)  Did she decline because she was being equally polite or because she thought maybe I was hitting on her in some creepy, old man way?  Did she find my offer condescending because I must think her too weak to hold all her goods?  Is that partly why I made the offer?  Would I have made the same offer to a man, or even a less attractive woman?  I'm secure in knowing that I made the offer simply to be polite, but my mental gymnastics it spawned shows that I am nutty and a little tripped up by trying to do right by women.

Also this week, my Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition landed in my mailbox.  As a kid, the swimsuit edition was a February highlight.  Pre-internet, thirteen-year-old me looked forward to seeing Kathy Ireland, Elle Macpherson, and all their scantily clad friends frolicking by the sea and looking directly at ME through the camera lens.  I remember one year my grandfather, I guess not knowing that I was a subscriber, sent me a manila envelope containing nothing but the new swimsuit edition and a note saying, 'A little something to warm you up this winter.'  Good guy stuff.  And get me through the winter it did.  Now, I'm feeling guilty looking at the 2017 edition setting on my coffee table.  Should I?  I have no idea.  Will it, and the countless other images like it on television, make Grace have unrealistic expectations about her body image?  Is SI's objectification of women liberating for women or demeaning?  Is it both?  I would likely dismiss it as me inventing a problem that exists mostly in my head except that two days ago, Grace told me her legs were getting fat.  I'm 99% sure she really meant her legs were getting bigger as she gets bigger.  Nonetheless, it got me a little panicky inside. (It doesn't take much.)  Grace is not even close to being fat and I don't want her thinking that at any age, let alone eight.  We discussed being healthy and strong, avoiding the f-word.  I'll let Mommy, whose casual thumbing through the swimsuit issue seemed to indicate she had zero problem with reading it, handle the rest of that conversation.

Of course, the big reason I've been thinking more about this stuff lately is our President .  You didn't think I could get through a whole blog post without talking about the Trumpster Fire, did you?  Aside from his ineloquent hamming up of the English language and his superhuman ability to bend the truth into a pretzel, what I really disliked about this guy was this:

Trump: I moved on her, actually. You know, she was down on Palm Beach. I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it.

Unknown: Whoa.

Trump: I did try and fuck her. She was married.

Unknown: That’s huge news.

Trump: No, no, Nancy. No, this was [unintelligible] — and I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping.

She wanted to get some furniture. I said, “I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.” I took her out furniture —

I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look.

Billy Bush: Sheesh, your girl’s hot as shit. In the purple.

Trump: Whoa! Whoa!

Bush: Yes! The Donald has scored. Whoa, my man!

[Crosstalk]

Trump: Look at you, you are a pussy.

[Crosstalk]

Trump: All right, you and I will walk out.

[Silence]

Trump: Maybe it’s a different one.

Bush: It better not be the publicist. No, it’s, it’s her, it’s —

Trump: Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.

Bush: Whatever you want.

Trump: Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.

How in the heck that right there didn't keep him out of the Oval Office, I'll never know.  Yet the Trumpeters were more "disgusted" by the pink knit vagina hats worn by women protesters.  The above transcript, in which he actually brags about the ability to grab a woman in her genitals WITHOUT CONSENT, was okay, but women wearing vagina hats as a rebuke of his vulgarity was not.  So, yeah, that is why I marched in the local women's march on January 21st.  My marching was seen frivolous and silly by some, and likely won't change a thing.  I simply wanted to put it out into the universe that I was not okay with this lack of consent.  That behavior, and failure to be held accountable for it, cannot be condoned, for it leads to dirtbags like Brock Turner thinking it's okay to penetrate a drunk woman behind a dumpster.  My daughter did not understand all the nuance or ramifications of Donald Trump's election or the march that followed, nor should she.  What she saw, though,  was that she has a voice and that I stand with her, her mother, and all the women that oppose this guy. 

I know I joke a little about being a dumb dad and being overwhelmed about sorting out raising a daughter in the current climate.  It's actually something I care deeply about.  In fact, it is one of the most important things I will ever do; I'd like to get it right.  As much as I fret over the meaning of a grocery lane encounter or whether I should flip through a skin mag, I know the best way I can help Grace navigate this crazy world is to listen to her and cut through the clutter by telling her what I know based on my faith, my experience, and my hopes for her. I'll keep my fingers crossed that is good enough.

The Future's So Bright...I Gotta Gouge Out My Eyeballs

We here at Hailey Industries have been keeping a secret: we have a time machine.  Now, don't get too excited.  Like the battle station this blog is named for, even when fully operational, our time machine has some limitations.  Chief among these is that the time machine restricts us from altering the era we visit.  We are only observers, able to view another time for better or worse.  Powerless to change anything, I am but a witness to history.  Unable to wait for Friday to arrive, we recently made our maiden voyage into the future to check out the Yuge-ly anticipated inauguration of one Donald J. Trump (speaking of for better or worse).  The following is a partial report of what we saw.  (Spoiler Alert:  It ain't like anything you've seen before!)

*President Trump was sworn in with his tiny left hand resting on a copy of The Art of the Deal.

*Mr. Trump was cordial to outgoing President Barack Obama, wishing him a quiet, happy retirement in his native Kenya.

*Of the roughly two thousand words in Mr. Trump's address, "great", "I', "bigly", and "believe me" were used the most.  Approximately seventy-three times each.

*President Trump announced his first infrastructure project, even before building The Wall, will be to guild every surface of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in an effort to make the "Gold House" feel more like home.

*Ben Carson slept through the entire affair. I think. It's really hard to tell when he's awake.

*In a stunning, but unsurprising breach of protocol, Mr. Trump strode across the dais and grabbed RBG right in her p*%$y, because, you know, that's what stars do.

*Mr. Trump repeatedly referred to the audience as "suckers."  It was unclear if he was speaking directly to his voters that think he cares about them, the people who are convinced not entering into a blind trust is okay, or both.

*Forget what the weather man says, there is a 100% chance of Golden Showers. 

*Mr. Trump interrupted his address only once to fire off a disparaging Tweet. Sad!

*Mike Pence came out of the closet.  (Just kidding.  Was checking to see if you were still paying attention.)

*Outdoor Venue= Extra Hairspray

*The address's main theme was, "America, you're hired!"  Not exactly, "Ask not what your country can do for you", but what exactly were you expecting?

*In the cool temperatures, Mr. Trump required an extra overcoat to better protect his thin skin. 

*Bad News/Good News: Time wise, this is the longest inaugural address in U.S. History.  Mostly because every couple sentences the President paused so Kellyanne Conway could translate what he really means "in his heart."

Enjoy the show, everybody! And don't bother asking if you can borrow our time machine.  After witnessing that debacle, we dismantled it.  Sometimes it is better not to know.

If Parents Wrote Honest Thank You Notes

As the ornaments are stowed away and final bits of tissue paper swept from under the tree, I have reflected on the generosity bestowed upon my kid this year.  Between an October birthday and fruitful Christmas, Grace has opened a lot of presents in the last few months.  I am grateful that she has so many caring friends and family.  So grateful, in fact, that, as she is getting her own Christmas thank you notes in the mail, I thought I'd write a few myself:

*Thank you for the talking stuffed animal that sings/records/reacts/dances/lights up.  Once we sorted through convoluted directions to program it to sing/record/react/dance/light up, this guy has been a blast.  Now with one loving hug he can turn any room into a casino.  What sounds! What colors!  What a spectacle!  This is especially fun when an accidental 3AM squeeze has me blearily wondering if an alien spacecraft is landing in the next room.  We all know I don't do well with mid-night sound effects.  Creepy doesn't cover it.

*Thank you for the crayons.  We really needed more; we have almost completed our quest to acquire one million!

*Thank you for the charm bracelet.  Surely you didn't know it could hold more charms that my daughter would want to add today. And tomorrow.  And the next day. 

*Thank you for the Legos.  To some, that distinct plastic-y echo of Legos spilling out signals marvelous feats of engineering are forthcoming.  To me, that spine-chilling sound signals that a "Yes, you have to pick up ALL the pieces" argument is forthcoming.

*Thank you for the books.  Books?  Books?  Actually, I can't complain about the books.  I love 'em.

*Thank you for the socks with the days of the week stitched in them.  Cute, to be sure, but I invite you over to do the laundry Tuesday night when Grace realizes at bedtime that only one of the Wednesday socks is clean.

*Thank you for Monopoly.  You hate me, don't you?

*Thank you for the rubber band loom.  I have set a new personal record for bracelets owned.  Rubber bands have surpassed glitter as the most annoying craft supply in our household.  A legitimate thank you, though, to Grace's cousin and friend  who each helped Grace with her weaving (?) technique sparing me and Amanda from watching rubber banding YouTube videos.

*Thank you for the new tote/purse/backpack.  Did you think Grace needed a bag in which to store all her other bags?  Of course, anytime Grace gets a new bag she must immediately transfer her collection du jour, currently Shopkins, to the new bag for transport.

*Thank you for the Gift Card.  I bet you thought you were safe because you didn't buy Grace a "product."  Well, I'm onto you.  Under the guise of giving my daughter the freedom to buy whatever she wants, you get to sneak into a store to grab a gift without putting in any real effort.  Smooth.  A move I've used dozens of times myself.  Of course, when you give Grace a gift card I must spend half a day in the store with her as she calculates the perfect combination of purchases to maximize the value of her gift card.  See Also: Cash.

So, thank you.  Thank you for inspiration.  This year I will be on the hunt for the loudest, weirdest, corniest, most anti-parent gifts money can buy!

Why Not?

One week. It is closing time, and America, in all her beer goggled glory is taking somebody home. Unfortunately, this one night stand lasts four years. Will it be the Power Grabber or the P&$*y Grabber?  The candidate full of bull or the candidate full of bull? According to the pundits, it is midnight in the USA, the end is nigh, the Liberty Bell tolls for thee.  According to my friends and neighbors, I should board up my house and move to Canada.  Of course, it doesn't have to be this way. I, along with the rest of the Off-Broadway Third Party Players are also still sitting at the bar waiting to share a cab, to be asked up for "coffee."  America, you don't have to regret your decision in the morning.  As the lyrical genius Eddie Money once said, Take Me (and my patriotic red pants) Home Tonight.

As we hit the one week home stretch, here are Seven Thoughts for Seven Days:

1) You wanna talk issues? I've got issues. I'll be the Mental Health President. Don't worry  folks, I'll worry for you!
2) Being the World's Policeman leads only to more excuses to be the World's Policeman.
3) The phrase "Black Lives Matter" does not sow division, but reminds us there is still division that needs to be healed.
4) I engage in "locker room talk."  I think most men and women have or do.  However, that locker room talk does not include doing anything without consent.  I say two (or three, or six) adults can get as freaky as they want AS LONG AS THERE IS CONSENT.  And, if two of them fall in love, they should be able to legally marry no matter the parts between their legs.
5) Freedom of religion also means freedom from religion.
6) Not everyone's American Dream is 2.5 kids and a picket fence. 
7) I don't believe the Oval Office should be a decades-long, dynastic ego pursuit or another acquisition in a businessman's ledger. I was given not a silver spoon, but a wooden spoon covered in cookie dough.  I'm more everyman than elegant.  I have this crazy notion that our President should serve the interests of the people not his own.  I'm ready to serve.  If you give me your write-in vote (Of which I've been assured I already have one. Suck it, Evan McMullin!), I promise to stow the doom and gloom the punditry loves to peddle.  Let's make America FUN again.

#Hailey4America #EverForward #WhyNot
WriteInRightOn

I'm Too Sexy For This Oval Office.

At first, I thought there was no way Donald Trump would make it to March, let alone November. Next, I thought he, like every politician, was saying anything to get elected.  Then I thought he was saying everything to ensure he would NOT be elected.  Now I realize Trump does not give a flying leap what I, you, any of us thinks.  He looks out for one person.  His every move is self serving.  He's on a Mission from Don.

The video of lewd remarks that surfaced yesterday serves as another reminder that Donald Trump is an orange, unrestrained ball of id. He is America's Tyler Durden. An unrestrained ball of Tyler Durden has no business in the Oval Office. Make no mistake this kind of "guy" talk is what leads to an expectant, entitled culture among young men.    Even if it is common, this talk is not harmless. It can not be dismissed as mere locker room banter.  Fathers, use this video as a teachable moment with your sons. Use this as an example of what's is important - always make sure your mic is turned off. Kidding, of course. The real lesson is make sure you pop a few Tic-Tacs before you head out to grab some      p%*$y. Or maybe we could just settle for  teaching our young men to treat women with respect and teaching our young women to expect to be treated with respect.

Predictably, I have seen comments excusing Trump's boorish behavior. Oh, this video is ten years old.  Oh, it's just boys being boys.  Oh, you know, Bill Clinton was a bad guy, too.  His supporters hold their nose because there are real problems in this world and he can fix them!  As if Trump has provided any evidence of a plan to do so. I've been accused of being distracted by the media, of buying into their phony outrage.  I'm not outraged, phony or otherwise. I'm embarrassed that the GOP, for which I have voted often, could select no better candidate than this media-whoring, women-insulting, self-congratulating blowhard.  If the Democrats had chosen nearly any other candidate to run, he or she would be wiping the floor with Trump.  If they nominated a poodle, we would be reviewing applications for Official White House Pooper Scooper right now.  That the Republicans couldn't nominate a candidate that could wrest the moral high ground from the Clintons(!) is as laughable as it is unthinkable.  Hillary Clinton's Wall Street speeches and Donald Trump's limelight- driven, reality star power tripping ("when you're a star.. you can do anything") show exactly how out of touch these two clowns are with a large chunk of the people they claim to want to lead. We are left with two candidates hungry to ascend to the highest office, while scraping the bottom of the barrel.

I'll vote for neither, but at least with Clinton we have someone polished enough to actually resemble a president.  Donald Trump is a an oaf, a pig that not only slings mud, but enjoys rolling around in it.  We can argue all day about the role of a president in our government. Is the president an executor with real power to govern or more a figurehead? You make the call. If even only a figurehead, though, our president should be someone who  represents us well to the world.  A President's speech should be respectful of all citizens, bestowing dignity on all Americans.  A President's voice should be inspirational, aspirational, lofty. Our President should desire to raise us up, not tear us down.  A President Trump (shudder) wallowing in the muck is not the face I want to show the world. How about you?

The Last Charge of the Orange Brigade

A week ago, coming off a series victory in Boston, the Orioles opened an eleven game homestand only one game behind the Sox in the race for the American League East.  After a 2-5 start to the homestand, the Orioles have ceded any hope of winning the division, clinging to a perilous lead for the final Wild Card spot.  With ten games remaining in  their season, including three each with the Jays and the Damn Yankees, the Birds must begin their last stand tonight in their final game with Boston.  So as a fun summer slips into a desperate autumn, I apologize to Tennyson for butchering his beautiful war poem which served as my inspiration for:

                                       The Last Charge of the Orange Brigade

Half a league, half a league,

With half a league closing behind,

All into the Yard,

Strode the Baltimore Nine.

"Forward the Orange Brigade!"

"Charge for the fences!" cried Buck.

Into the Yard,

Strode the Baltimore Nine.

Homers to the right of them,

Homers to the left of them,

Homers in front of them,

The Red Stockings have been unkind;

Struck down by Porcello with ease,

Swarmed under by the young Killer B's.

For one more chance, against the lefty Price,

Into the hearty laugh of Ortiz,

Strode the Baltimore Nine.

Valiantly staying in the pennant chase,

Desperately trying to keep pace,

Pinning all hopes on the arm of their Ace. 

Charging the field,

Holding the line.

Swinging for the wall,

Tracking each high fly ball,

Jonesy, Manny, and Trumbo

Enduring every strike call.

Just what is left,

Of the Baltimore Nine?

What shot at glory can they take?

O the Wild Card can the make?

A fan base looks for a sign.

Honor the charge they made,

Honor the Orange Brigade,

Tonight, cheer the Baltimore Nine.

And, when you're done cheering the Baltimore Nine, read Tennyson's haunting tribute to six hundred men of the Light Brigade.

Dance Party

I recently stumbled upon a  2014 Washington Post article detailing how Hillary Clinton has not driven a car since 1996.  It seems unlikely, for the same reasons laid out in the Post story, that she has driven in the ensuing two years.  This is only mildly surprising considering as a former First Lady she is under constant Secret Service protection.  Although, you would think at some point she, or anyone in a similar position, would tell Agent Earpiece to hop in the passenger seat and pass the keys.  Driving is too much fun to pass on for twenty years.  Not driving in two decades illustrates, in a minor way, how out of a touch Clinton, like most powerful politicians, is with the everyday existence of their constituents.  America, you need a candidate that's going to keep it real.  Donald Trump?  Hardly.  Whether he's actually worth one billion or ten billion, he's still at least a billion ahead of most of us.  Of all the deceptions he's pulled off during this long con he calls a campaign, convincing millions of hard working regular Joes that he has their back is perhaps the most impressive.  The closest Trump gets to relating to those Joes is bilking them out of thousands of dollars for his "University" or suing them so he doesn't have to pay for contracting work they have completed on his buildings.

No, America, neither Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump have the desire to understand your experience.  Guess what?  You're in luck.  I know a guy that drives himself (in a car that he and his wife paid for, no less).  He cuts his own grass, packs his own lunch (remember, make the peanut butter pocket to lock in the jelly), and drinks beer from a can.  He sometimes argues with his wife and kid.  He often yells at the screen during televised sporting events.  Yep, he's real.  He is me and I am him.  And I/him/me/he/Hailey4America am ready to help. I know how you live, what you need, and what you want.  Better yet, I'm willing to listen to what you have to say.  Yes, I'm an average Joe.  But I'm an average Joe with specific experience that, while hardly unique, makes me qualified to lead:  I'm a Dance Dad.

Hear me out.  I have distinct skills forged in the fiery cauldron of this Dance Dad life:

*Peace Keeper (AKA Knowing where my bread is buttered):  The Future First Lady is a kick-ass Dance Mom in her own right, but by taking Grace to classes during the week, I can cross at least one thing off Amanda's weekend to-do list.

* Handling Tense, Last-Minute Negotiations:  Arguing about which leotard/tutu combo The Girl needs or wants to wear never occurs an hour before class, only when we are already supposed to be in the car.

*Fiscal Responsibility:  I finally wised up and learned that I can take the same, if not better, photos than the professional portraits on Picture Day.  And mine are free! 

*Good Judgement:  The Future First Lady and I (okay, we all know it was Amanda that did all the legwork) selected a dance studio with a non-competitive environment that does not expect young girls to be all tarted up for the recital.

*Demonstrating a willingness to accept help:  The other girls' moms have bailed me out a few times over the last five years.  They've helped by going in the changing room or ladies' restroom, fixing Grace's hair or the unfortunate moment when I helped Grace, then age three, put her costume on backwards exposing WAY too much of her toddler chest. 

*Patience:  Each Tuesday I spend an hour or two in the waiting room while Grace dances.  There are long periods of waiting periodically interrupted by a gaggle of cart-wheeling seven-year-old girls chatting, giggling, and shouting as they change their shoes.  I know patience.

*Details:  Even though Grace is old enough to responsibly pack her own gear, if I don't double check her bag, we will inevitably forget a shoe or a tutu or a water bottle or a headband or the other kind of shoe or hip hop pants or yet another kind of shoe.  See America?  It's all about the details

*Diplomacy:  The studio waiting room has televisions on which we can watch our daughters dance.  Often, instead of watching, I am chatting, reading or writing.  But you can bet when Grace asks me if I saw her doing dance move X,Y, or Z I say something like, "Of course... I'm aware... that you were dancing... in there."  Diplomacy is also required when she asks how she did.  Let's just say that Grace's name belies her actual physical realities.  She tries hard and has a blast, but her hip hop freestyle moves are less Beyoncé and more a squirrel on PCP.  Unfortunately, I think she inherited my dance floor flow instead of her mother's.  Though, she is still a much better dancer than Corey Feldman. Hopefully she'll grow into her feet and become smooth like her mama.  Until then, Diplomacy!

America, we're in this together.  Just a few million regular Joes and Janes.  Let the billionaires argue while we save this country.  Then we can all dance down Pennsylvania Avenue together, one crazy hip hop move at a time (because my guess is they won't let me drive.)

I'm Not Amused

Remember, America, you have another choice this November.  I'm your man.  And I'm my own man.  There's no body double here.  I am 100%, Grade A,  All-American from the tip of my giant proboscis to my average size hands.  From the star-spangled Uncle Sam tattoo on my  gggggg to the tiny part of my brain that knows Aleppo is not a dog food.  Come give me the once over; tell me if you like what you see.  We're all about transparency over here at Hailey4America.  No hidden medical records.  No refusal to release tax returns.  In fact, in the name of honesty and transparency, despite the risk to my candidacy, I am about to reveal a fact about me that might turn off a large portion of the electorate:  I don't enjoy Amusement Parks.

I know, that's totally un-American, right?  We want our presidents to have nerves of steel, yet I am asking you to cast your vote for a man who skips the log flume that "looks a little steep."  Not exactly Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders material.  The truth is, I really don't enjoy amusement park RIDES.  Mostly because they are associated with terrifying concepts like "upside down" and "shoulder restraints." I hate the feeling when the bottom drops out and your stomach launches itself into your throat.   You know, the feeling you get on every big ride?  I understand that feeling puts the "thrill" in thrill rides for coaster enthusiasts, but it is not for me.  I get motion sickness on a playground swing.  Driving on hilly roads sometimes sends my tummy twirling.  IF I want to turn green, I'll hit up the greasy chocolate fountain at the end of the Golden Corral buffet.  With two feet planted firmly on the ground.

Even if I was inclined to test the endurance of my digestion system, I'm frightened of the physics of these rides.  I am not fooled by the quaint names coasters are given.  The parks try to lure me in with gentle names like the Himalayan Hike or Firecracker because they know no one would ride something called the Free Falling Neck Whipper or Twisty Murder Machine.  (Actually, I know people who probably would ride the Twisty Murder Machine.)  I don't want to be on the Pirate Ship the day it goes flying off its arm on the downswing.  I don't particularly want to be in the middle of a loopty-loo when the decades-old lap bar disengages.  I'm afraid to be in the Gondola car when it figures out that nothing but magic and a little spit is keeping it balanced on the thin steel cable.  I'd much rather watch these incidents unfold from the safety of the monorail.  On our recent trip to Hersheypark, I did actually ride a few simple rides, including the Kissing Tower.  I suggested to park officials they may want to consider putting "Kissing" in front of all their big ride names because there is a chance you can kiss your ass goodbye every time you board one.  They were not amused. 

Another reason theme parks are not my ideal pastime is the cost.  For me, they are often a waste of money and time.  For the $75 admission, the girls get thrills and memories for a lifetime.  I get the opportunity to purchase an $8 slice of rubbery pizza and sit in the Splash Zone! to watch marine biology dropouts toss fish at an elderly sea lion until he waves his flipper at the crowd.  My money would be better spent paying a homeless man outside the park to share his bus stop bench for the day.  After all, I spend the bulk of my visit (by choice, obviously) sitting around.  Sometimes I make myself useful by watching the kids that pass on a big ride.  I'm also a damn fine purse holder.  But mostly I sit and I wait.  And as Tom Petty said, "the waiting is the hardest part."  Which is perhaps what I find most stupefying about theme parks.  Are the coasters really worth an hour in line?  Isn't it disappointing to wait all that  time for two minutes of action?  (I guess I could ask my poor wife.  BA-DUM-TISH! Hey, if I didn't say it, one of you dear readers would have.  Self-deprecation is the best defense.) 

I know what you are all thinking:  How could I possibly vote for this ninny?  Rest assured, if elected, I will not do anything drastic like shutter all theme parks.  At worst, I'll issue some sort of decree sending my family to the front of the line.  Heck, my body double I might even jump on a few rides.  How's that for presidential?

America v. The Black Quarterback

I LOVE AMERICA!  THERE IS NO PLACE I WOULD RATHER LIVE!  I AM GRATEFUL TO OUR VETERANS!  I STAND, WITH HAND OVER HEART, DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM!  ROCKY IV IS MY FAVORITE ROCKY MOVIE, I SWEAR!  Sorry for the shouting, sometimes it is the only way to be heard these days.  I needed to get those five points on the record lest readers assume that my less-than-full-throated endorsement of EVERYTHING about America signals a hatred of my homeland.   Nuance seems less appreciated in an era when sledgehammers and earplugs are our favored tools of debate.  In the case of America v. The Black Quarterback there seems to be two different debates emerging, at least on Twitter and the Meme-fest called Facebook.  One, more closely related to the discourse Colin Kaepernick hoped to stoke about race, has centered on the level of oppression a millionaire can feel.  The second, which has many with their red, white, and blue panties in a bunch, focuses on what it means to be patriotic.  To be honest, Kaepernick lost me when he showed up to his press conference in a Fidel Castro t-shirt and spouted vague generalities.  He may not be the best representative for his concerns.  That doesn't mean the two debates are not worth discussing.

I'm not here to argue about the shooting of unarmed black men by police.  The news, video, and statistics speak for themselves.  There is a problem.  Instead, I want to know why people feel a millionaire quarterback shouldn't stand up (or in this case, sit down) to oppression.  The same people that rip Kaepernick's non-violent protest rail against other forms of Black Lives Matter protesting.  Better he should block traffic or throw bricks at cops?  Or, maybe, he should simply know his place and shut up.  After all, what does he know about oppression?  He's just a guy who gets paid millions of dollars to play a game, right?  Being a millionaire athlete does not make you immune to mistreatment.  Former pro tennis player James Blake was mistakenly arrested and assaulted by the NYPD last year.  His millions and privilege didn't protect him from police overreach.  I, for one, respect Colin Kaepernick for taking his stance.  In the face of backlash, ridicule, and possible loss of endorsements  he is using his platform as a (minor) celebrity to give voice to an issue about which he feels strongly.  A voice that may not be heard otherwise.  Agree or disagree with his premise, he deserves credit for willing to shine a light despite the ensuing reaction.

The more troubling aspect of the Kaepernick Sit-Down is the notion that you're with America or you're against us.  I know, there is that pesky nuance I was talking about earlier.  Yes, the flag and the national anthem are symbols representing the United States, and her citizens, including those that have died fighting to protect her and her citizens.  Yes, I stand during the anthem and honor the flag.  The flag is emblematic of our resilience, generosity, ingenuity, and leadership.  It represents freedom and hope.  It is shorthand for The American Dream.  So, yes, I stand for the anthem and honor the flag.  But my standing is not a blank check.  My standing is not a blind loyalty.  My standing is not an endorsement of everything "American."  Awful things have been done by men and women wearing American flags on their lapels or on their shoulders.  Terrible decisions have been made in buildings over which that banner waves.  I can simultaneously be thankful for our veterans and question the actions of our government. I understand why someone may sit during the anthem or stay silent during the Pledge of Allegiance.  It's not my choice, but I understand.  It doesn't make those objectors "un-American."  It doesn't mean they don't love their country.  It doesn't mean they should leave.  It doesn't make them bad people.  It means they disagree and, last I checked, that was still legal.  If your entire measure of a person is whether he stands during the national anthem, may I suggest that it is you who should rethink your priorities.    

Supplies!

The looming specter has arrived.  It's Decision Time.  Choices we make in the coming days will provoke arguments and turn family members against one another.  Our selections will have lasting ramifications.  Debating and bargaining will make you question everything.  As Summer melts into Autumn, we must face our fears and do that which we know must be done.  Election Season?  Fantasy Football draft?  No, Back to School Shopping. 

Why do I dread back to school shopping?  It is pretty simple, really.  I love my kid.  I kinda love shopping.  I do not love shopping WITH my kid.  Grace and I have varied ideas of shopping.  I'm a cheapskate that enters a store focused, with a list, hoping to leave with some bargains.  Grace, having precious little concept of time or money, enters hoping to leave with, well, everything.  When Grace goes shopping her normal inclination is to show as much restraint as Donald Trump without a Teleprompter.  She wants every granola bar/stuffed animal/sparkly sandals/bottle of Gatorade we walk past.  I reel her in reminding her of the difference between needs and wants, while simultaneously now really wanting one of those damn granola bars I just made her put back on the shelf.  Usually, Amanda - Wife, Mother, Master Negotiator- is present to serve as a buffer.  This year, because I'm an idiot, I donned my red, white, and blue leather jumpsuit and Evil Knievel-ed the shit out of back to school shopping while Amanda was out of town.  Grace and I didn't exactly crash at the bottom of the Snake River Canyon, but it was exhausting nonetheless. 

Maybe it was exhausting because we have hit those dog days of summer when parental patience runs thin. Grace and I have done a ton of fun stuff this Summer, but two months of playing cruise director and head counselor at Camp Dad has left me tired, my creativity tapped. 

"Attention Campers- Today's activities include: whatever you come up with.  You'll find the television remote and a box of Ritz crackers in the center of the living room floor.  See you in September!"

Beleaguered, weary from motivating summer reading, traversing highways, and finding sand everywhere, we parents stumble towards the finish line.  Eager for school to start, yet knowing we have this one more task to complete before Day One. 

For our family, school shopping has two parts: uniforms and supplies.  I guess I should be thankful that Grace wears uniforms.  Otherwise, with her indecision and unlimited options, I would never make it out of the clothing store.   Even with fewer choices, there are still sizes, colors, styles and prices to navigate.  Shorts or skirts?  Long sleeve or short?  Light blue or dark?  Even though we I devised a game plan, Grace would happily pick one of each and duplicates for good measure. 

Game Plan?

Damn right, there is a game plan.  How are you going to know what you need if you haven't done a proper prior assessment?  Before heading out, I made Grace try on every piece of uniform from last year to see what is salvageable from first grade.  If an article of clothing wasn't stained or too small we didn't need to replace it.  (Note to self: Make her buy all navy blue so stains don't show.)  I'm not saying I made a chart of all her uniforms, but if you don't go into that store informed you are going to be overmatched.  I don't have all day to wrestle stacks of khaki pants. 

Part Two is where Grace and I really butted heads.  For weeks, every time we walked through Walmart or Target, Grace would beg me to pick out school supplies.  Those giant bins of notebooks in the aisle called to her with a siren song.  She asked to look at back packs in each store we walked through.  And, of course,  you need cute, dangly things to clip to your back pack.  The buying of the supplies truly does irk me.  I don't mind buying sanitizer or tissues for the classroom, but why does Grace need a brand new box of crayons when we have a basket of 643 broken (but usable) ones at home?  Why a specific set of blue folders?  Blue shirts.  Blue folders.  Is she going to school in a mushroom?  Watching Grace select her supplies makes the task more tedious.  She stands contemplating the wall of supplies as if she were examining a work of art in a museum.  Looking over the details of each white board marker as if her life depended on selecting the correct one.  I've seen her make faster selections at a boardwalk arcade prize counter.  (Where I usually pray we have enough tickets to purchase a recliner in which I can relax while she leisurely spends her remaining tickets.)  Each item becomes a negotiating point.  She requests a six-pack of glue sticks; I counter with two.  She picks up a new pencil case; not when she has three at home.  She asks to buy the $7 markers; I say yes, as long as, this week, she uses the toilet paper that your hand pokes through when you wipe.  I'm kidding.  Sort of.  Back and forth we spar until I want to simply hand her my debit card and go wait in the car.  Finally, we make it to the car armed with all we'll need for second grade having spent more than the game plan, but (a little) less than I would pay for a boat. 

We reach the car in time to take a phone call from Out-of-Town Mommy who, with a hint of sadness in her voice says wistfully, "Oh, school shopping.  I like to do that with her."

Somebody hand me my Evil Knievel helmet, I need to go bang my head against a wall.   

Wasted

You know what really gets me fired up?  When I'm told my vote will be wasted if I cast it for Candidate X or Y.  I am happy to debate, argue, listen intently, and be wooed by your side.  My vote, though, is sacred and it's mine.  Choosing to cast it for a candidate that stands little chance of winning does not mean my vote is wasted.  It means I voted for someone that keeps my conscience clear.  There is no perfect candidate; I understand that.  Yet, voting for the lesser of two evils is no bargain.  Why would I vote "against" Donald Trump to ensure a Clinton victory when I don't like her either?  And vice versa?  So, let's debate all you like, if you'll stow that garbage about me wasting my vote.  I'll do with it what I please.

If you are on the fence, though, wondering which of the "lesser" to vote for, have I got a deal for you!  I'm ready to make this race to the bottom a three-way. (Ewww, sorry, that was a poor choice of phrase.  Like the stuff of nightmares.)   If the lesser of two evils is okay, why not make it the lesser of three?  It's like the old joke about two buddies being chased by a bear.  You don't have to be faster than the bear, only faster than your friend.  I may not be the World's Greatest Candidate, but I can make the case that I'm better than the Big Two. 

Let me make my case.  Let me tempt your taste buds.  What turns people off about Clinton and Trump?

Clinton's Email Scandal: Email leak?  No such worries here.  I barely know how to log on to my computer.  Is CompuServe still a thing? 

Trump's Temperament: That guy pops off more than Fat Albert's belt after Thanksgiving dinner.  I, on the other hand, keep it together seeing the worst of humanity while working retail.  I deal with homeless masturbators, messy magazine browsers,  If It Doesn't Scan It Must Be Free Lady, and Venti Iced Half Caf Soy CocoMoco Three Pumps of Raspberry No Whip Guy without stabbing someone in the eye. (Brief side note:  I have had Republicans tell me that the media is driving the narrative that Trump is a thin-skinned hothead.  No sale.  I have eyes and ears.  I have read his Twitter feed and watched his speeches.  I know a bully when I see and hear one.  I don't need the "news" to color my opinion.)

Hillary's Trustworthiness: You want trust?  Have you seen the photo at the top of the page?  I can even throw on an Abe Lincoln hat if you'd like.

Trump Doesn't Use Big Words:  I once won a fourth grade spelling bee and I own Word of the Day toilet paper.

They Are Both Hawks: I would suspend the drone program on Day One.

Trump Says Awful Things About Women:  I love women and I support Girl Power.  Although, I admit I am not a woman, so Hillary might have me there.

Dubious "Contributions" To The Clinton Foundation:  The only time I have dealt with foreign donors was when I answered that email from that nice prince in Namibia asking for help getting his fortune into the country. 

Trump Is Small-minded:  I have a huge head! See, opposites.

Trump Wants To Build A Wall: Relax, I have never built anything in my life.

Both Clintons Are Phonies: Could I BE anymore sincere? *wink*

Trump's Lost His Ass In Atlantic City: I once walked through his casino without losing a dime.

Clinton's Pant Suits And Trump's Hair(?):  Three words: My Red Pants

You see, America, I may be the best of the worst.  I'd like to think I'm more, what with my previously laid out  Peanut Butter Pocket Initiative and solid platform, but if it's the top of the bottom of the barrel you seek, I can be that guy, too.  As I said above, your vote is your sacred bond to our shared history.  Do with it what you like.  No matter what you choose it is not "wasted."  I would never tell you what to do with it, but I think you know the right thing to do if you want to get this country moving #EverForward. 

#Hailey4America  #Hailey2016  #FollowTheNose 

 

Girl Power

Recently, after watching a bunch of Comic-Con movie trailers, my wife, Amanda, confided she might be turning into a nerd. This news was backed up by her watching the Rogue One behind-the-scenes-look/trailer dozens of times the previous week.  Amanda has always tolerated my love of Star Wars, and to a lesser extent comic movies, watching the movies with casual attention.  I couldn't put my finger on why she suddenly had a lot more interest.  Trust me, the Justice League trailer didn't look that good.  Then it dawned on me: look what a few strong female lead characters can do.  Wonder Woman, Rey in The Force Awakens, and Jyn Erso all did, or look like they will, kick butt on the big screen.  These are characters my wife and seven-year-old daughter, Grace, can identify with as they blast across the galaxy.  I admit, this wasn't even something I thought about until we watched The Force Awakens.  A hero is a hero, no matter their gender, right?  It was only after watching Grace watch Rey that I realized a little something was missing.  Sure, she had loved Princess Leia in the Original Trilogy, but this was different.  This was the main female character, driving the story, engaging in tons of action, all while dressed in burlap rags.  (That last part is not insignificant, by the way.  Look at how other female supers heroines, such as Lara Croft and Black Widow, or even Leia in the gold bikini, are portrayed on the big screen.  Yes, they too demonstrate strength and courage, but if you don't think they are costumed and filmed in ways to enhance their "assets", then you are not paying attention.)  Rey was a strong female character that Grace could grow up with.  Not that Grace "needs" to have female movie characters as role models; she has some fantastic ones in real life.  I have tons of bad ass women in my life-Amanda, my mom, my boss, to name just a few- that Grace can aspire to be like.  Not to mention incredible historical figures, such as Amelia Earhart, that we have introduced.  But we all know as kids we pretended to be what we saw on television or the movie screen.  On the playground, I portrayed all my heroes, real and fictional.  From Han Solo to Eddie Murray to Indiana Jones, my imagination spun wild creating scenarios.  It's how our minds blossom.  So, yes, Grace, has real heroines to emulate, but I am happy that she also has some awesome fictional ones that capture her imagination.

Alas, as with any sea change, come the haters.  I remember reading internet comments after The Force Awakens debuted lamenting that, suuuuure, Disney just had to shoehorn a female lead in the movie to drive sales by bringing more girls to the theater.  Seriously?  These kinds of statements were laughable on two fronts.  One, of course, Disney tried to increase ticket sales by including a strong female lead.  Yes, Star Wars has always had many female fans, however, if you could grow that number, why wouldn't you?  Disney is in the business of making money, after all.  Two, and more glaringly obvious, is the crazy notion that a female be the focus of an action movie.  God forbid we tarnish our favorite space opera with a girl!  Thanks Disney, now we might all get cooties.  And just because you wanted to get more girls to come to the theater.  Because it couldn't possibly be because you had an interesting story to tell about a woman.  Especially one that is not simply a scantily-clad sidekick or damsel in distress. 

Again, I will admit, I was a little dense in thinking about this issue.  Even after The Force Awakens, I didn't really appreciate the level of outrage directed at women characters corrupting the domain of men.  Until a little remake called Ghostbusters sent the internet supernova.  A handful of the thousands of comments you could sort through if you'd like: 

"Lazy Hollywood film making "let's make a ghostbusters remake but with women!" Only soccer moms and feminist bimbos will watch that trash."

"Mark my words, the Ghostbusters reboot will be both pandering to feminazi's and completely unfunny to anyone not already a Michael Bay fan."

"F&*k you and your C#%tbusters."

"Wasn't it sexist to cast women for roles that had traditionally been held by men? We already know who the Ghostbusters are, and they are 4 men. Taking male roles and casting women in them is like casing Nicolas Cage to play Malcolm X."

Now look, count me in to the group that didn't really think a new Ghostbusters needed to be made.    Generally, long-awaited sequels and reboots, especially of a beloved movie such as Ghostbusters, are awful (I'm looking at you Blues Brothers 2000), or, at the very least, lend little to the original.  There are dozens of examples.  Mining old characters, providing suspect fan service, besmirching cultural touchstones, often in a cash grab, are usually reasons enough to skip the reboots.  I would have fine with never seeing a new Ghostbusters.  An annual (if not more often) viewing of the original sufficed.  For me, questioning a sequel has zero to do with the female cast.  The comments like the ones above are vile.  Why is it so awful to have females?  That's right, it isn't.  I may not have thought a remake was necessary, but I was fine with Lady Ghostbusters.  Once the project was official I knew I would watch it.  It's Ghostbusters, after all.  If nothing else, I would watch it so I could come here and tell you how awful it was. 

But it's NOT awful.  It's not super, either.  After watching it, from an entertainment standpoint, I could take it or leave it. Some of the jokes are hilarious, some fall flat.  I would not feel like I was missing out had it not been made.  But from a Dad view, I am damn glad I took Grace to see it.  She is a fan of the original film and enjoyed the reboot.  Enjoyed it enough that she wants to be a Ghostbuster for Halloween. Enough that she wants to have a Ghostbusters themed birthday party. (Both of which excite me and sent me scrambling for ideas.)  She never wanted these things after watching the original.  Yes, my seven-year-old identified with the all-female cast.  She rushed to show Grandma the cool way Kate McKinnon's Holtzman blasted the ghosts with her re-invented proton pack.  She wants the action figures.  She asked me if I could, for her costume, spray paint her hair black so she could be Patty (Leslie Jones) for Halloween.  (Incidentally, I don't even think it crossed Grace's mind that Leslie Jones is black and that she is not.  Kind of a proud papa moment, there.)  She is a fan.  And that's all I care about.  Whether it's Patty, Holtzman, or Rey (or even Chewbacca or Darth Vader, for all I care), I'm glad Amanda and Grace have characters to spark their imagination and enjoy.  Gosh, it's almost like a woman can do anything, even be President of the United States.*

*Just not this current nominee, please.