Do My Eyes and Ears Deceive Me?

A handful of improbable things that I've seen and heard today:

- Today is Pee Wee Herman's 55th birthday. The word of the day is senior discount.

- Celebrated, notorious fat guy David Wells legged out a bunt single Sunday night. Nice to see a pitcher and a fellow member of the Big Man's Club showing some athleticism.

-Michael Vick spoke to the media after his plea hearing without the aid of a prepared written statement. He appeared to speak from the heart (sorry for the cliche), without notes or a PR spin. I give him big credit for that. He fell short of the hat trick of improbability, however, when he referred to himself in the third person and left the podium without taking questions.

-Alberto Gonzales made a public appearance without uttering the phrase "I don't recall"

It's only 12:20. Who knows what other unbelievable events I will yet witness today.

Freedom of Speech...When Convenient.

Hilarious straight news storyabout the White House's playbook for dealing with dissent-spewing protesters. I wish this was fake news on The Onion. Alas, it's all too real. (Let me also add that I know every candidate/prez probably has a similar playbook. But i bet they are not as funny as this one.)

Presidential Balls

Boy, the president sure has some stones doesn't he? Where to begin? After years of denying any paralells between Iraq and Vietnam, the Prez now finds it convenient to compare an Iraq withdrawal with the withdrawal in Vietnam. I need to do more research, but I think he was even incorrect about the impact of civilian casualties in Cambodia that followed the Vietnam withdrawal.

I don't even know why he would even pick at the scab of Vietnam. One would think he'd try to keep from comparing his current effort to another bungled war that lasted too long and meandered through time with uncertain planning and focus. Did he reference Vietnam for the lessons learned? He and Deferment Dick certainly didn't learn any lessons first hand there. The speech today was as troubling as it was improbable.

As a side note- Mr al-Maliki needs a little attitude adjustment as far as I'm concerned. His balls are busting out of his pants as well - We "can find friends elsewhere". Are you kidding me? Why on earth are we staying on the ground in Iraq if the Iraqi government doesn't care whether we leave or not? Fuck off and take care of your own disaster.

Waiting For The Other Spiked Shoe to Drop.

My grandfather recently graciously gave me his set of golf clubs that he doesn't use anymore. They are quality Tommy Armour clubs that are far nicer than my game deserves. When it comes to golf I have always been more Hulk Hogan than Ben Hogan. Now, after a day at the range and playing 18 holes, I am convinced my grandfather sent me magic clubs. I finished today's round with four pars and a birdie. This is like Paris Hilton scoring 1400 on her SATs. Granted, we were playing at shabby, short Horsebridge, but did you hear me? Four pars and a birdie! And the bird was even on a par four. Drive 30 yds short of the green, chip to within 6 feet of the cup and sink the putt. That's exactly how I usually play that hole except for the ten minutes I usually spend in the corn field searching for my errant drive, the ensuing wild approach shot that screams over the green into the woods on the other side and the three putt from 15 feet. Other than that it's exactly the same. Just as a good craftsman never blames his tools, a poor craftsman must credit his tools when he turns in some fine workmanship. These clubs are great. Of course, actually rotating your hips and keeping your lead arm straight doesn't hurt either.

So what's the problem? Why do I sense that other shoe hovering overhead? Because the golf gods hate me, that's why. Mr. Optimism here is convinced that the gods are toying with me. They let me have just enough success today to lure me back for another round. They are waiting for my next venture so they can crush my newfound confidence. They will howl with glee when I stub a chip shot three feet or blow a six foot putt ten feet past the hole. That's why I love golf and why I hate golf. You can hit a fantastic shot that feels so good and the next minute you can botch the hole with such an unbelievably poor shot that it makes you want to punch yourself in the nuts just to forget the pain. You get just enough taste of fun to tempt you back. Damn you golf gods! Oh, and I'll see you next week.

756. Woopity Doo.

I have some thoughts about Barry Bonds being the new home run king of major league baseball, but I don't care enough to put together a cohesive post. So here is a sprinkling of ideas, beefs and opinions about the many different aspects of this story.

Bottom line-Barry's the all-time leader. Despite the circumstantial evidence, nothing has been proven. There should be no asterisk and Bud Selig should have been there.

Baseball, you looked the other way when all these hulksters beefed up. You made your bed, now lay(lie? I never get this correct) in it.

Yes, Barry all these other guys, and pitchers too, probably cheated, but that doesn't excuse your behavior. Two, or fifty, wrongs don't make a right.

I don't know how many fewer homers Bonds would have without performance enhancers. It might be 10, it might be 110. My biggest issue with the steroids is not the extra strength, it is the healing power. The steroids help players recover from injury and fatigue quicker. This could, obviously, aid an older player greatly.

Barry Bonds, without performance enhancers, would still have been one of the top five players of all-time. I guess that just wasn't enough for him. That's the thing that I find particularly galling.

If Barry wasn't guilty of something would his trainer have agreed to sit in jail for the last year instead of testifying before the grand jury?

As a lifelong baseball fan I have always enjoyed watching the "big" moments. It ties the present to the past, weaving it into the fabric of the game, blah blah blah. Ripken passing the Iron Horse, Kirk Gibson's homer, several no-hitters-it's always a joy to watch these events live. Watching Bonds ( I missed the homer live by just minutes) pass Hank Aaron has been a joyless event. I feel a bit cheated by that. Not that Barry Bonds owes me a thing.

I Won't Reveal How Many Candles.

Please indulge me a moment to wish a happy birthday to my beautiful wife, Amanda. I'm fortunate to have such a smart, sexy, capable lady as my partner in this crazy adventure that we've undertaken together. Whether it's balancing the checkbook, massaging my sore knee or making me laugh, she maintains our world in so many ways; I'd be lost without her.

In addition to working hard and keeping me straight, she has taken on many new challenges in the last year. She made the leap to Salisbury University last fall and has succeeded on many levels. Two semesters later she has made two stops on the Dean's list, maintained her scholarship, joined the Best Buddies mentoring group and has been published in the school paper. Her work at the paper earned her a spot as the Feature Editor for the upcoming year. Her tireless effort is exceeded only by my pride in her accomplishments. Today I celebrate her- Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.

Also, a quick happy birthday wish to Amanda's birthday buddy St4rbux and Killer who celebrates later in the week.

Does anyone care?

During the Democratic/AFL-CIO debate tonight, trade (obviously) was a very big topic. In one answer regarding China Barack Obama stated that Americans would gladly pay more for products made in the USA if it meant more jobs here. This seems obvious and it sounds reasonable in theory, but I wonder if that is the reality. In a time when so many people are not engaged in things that really matter I wonder how many shoppers a) make that connection and b) care enough to make the choice. If I walked through WalMart tonight and polled shoppers I think I would get very different results than Mr Obama assumes. People love to have things to bitch about, but are often unwilling to pay the price, literally and figuratively, to make positive change. Too often folks look out for number one and ignore the big picture. Thoughts?