Playing manny/stay-at-home dad has gone pretty well so far, so inch by inch I've been getting bolder with my activities with Grace. A few days ago we tackled a trip to the grocery store together for the first time. Why I picked the Glen "When did so many people move to Glen Burnie?"Burnie Wal-Mart Super Center at 3pm on a Friday afternoon is beyond me. Probably because our lives have become an ever-changing quadratic equation of feeding times and spare minutes and I thought I could squeeze the trip into my limited window. With an hour to an hour-and-a-half until probable feeding time I bundled the girl up and ventured forth without any formula or milk. Like a bomb squad hearing the ticking, I had one eye on the clock and one eye on the sweat beading on my forehead from the moment we left the driveway.
With carseat safely in cart and diaper bag slung over my shoulder I entered the store and immediately started using what has become my go-to move when in crowded public places with Grace. I put on the harried dad face, look a little frazzled (neither expression faked or exaggerated, of course) and wait for the seas to part. It's amazing the looks I get just pushing my little pumpkin around. Grandmothers nod knowingly, clerks smile and even other dads with older kids make way for my rolling circus. I've gotten so accustomed to this treatment that when somebody doesn't immediately cede their aisle space (which obviously they have every right not to) I catch myself getting exasperated. Hello, did you not see the red carpet unrolling before me as I walk? For crying out loud I have a BAY-BEE in the cart! Grace, for the most part, doesn't interfere with my plan, sleeping away as I use her cuteness to manipulate my fellow shoppers.
On this day, however, the store was so packed and the aisles so clogged that even my diabolical scheming wasn't getting me through fast enough. I'm checking my watch knowing that, though she is sleeping peacefully now, I could be moments away from a full scale Grace Hunger Wail. Running out of time I do the only thing I can - I turn into the goddamn Jack Bauer of grocery shoppers. I'm sending the cart careening around corners, diving for cans on endcaps. I toss a grenade to blow through a blockade of carts and shoppers in the freezer section (Cleanup on Aisle 4!). I even shoot a mouthy deli clerk in the leg for taking too long with the Meunster cheese. My urgency pays off (or so I think) as I arrive at the car with Grace awake but smiling.
Fifteen minutes shy of the house, however, my Princess Jekyll turns into Ms. Hyde. With the flip of a switch my smiling, laughing baby girl is wailing, screaming what I'm sure are tiny baby insults at me. Of course, in accordance with Baby Law #37, the decibel level of Grace's screams was inversely proportional to the speed of the drivers in front of me. Alas, I have no Jack Bauer left in me; there will be no super driving. I am left to suffer in traffic learning a very valuable lesson that deep down I knew all along. Never be a daredevil. Always take the formula with you.
oh, I remember those days well... that's good writing too, Dickie, you really captured the spirit of the thing... you could write it as a screen play.
ReplyDeletehang in there, it only gets more exciting.
And there's NOTHING you can do when your're behind the wheel but listen and hope you'll get home sooner rather than later!
ReplyDeleteYou had me laughing and remembering those moments. First that came to my mind was just a few days after Austin was born. I was breast feeding and had to drive out to the store to purchase the "pump". The look on Jody's face when I had to drive away was priceless. The look of fear, and dread covered his entire face. We had no milk stored because the pump wasn't bought yet ( didn't know I'd be induced 3 weeks early). Anyways, enjoy those moments! At the time it isn't a laughing matter, but it will be soon enough :)
ReplyDeleteAhhh, well said, my boy. A lesson well-learned. NEVER travel without formula, diapers, and a change of clothing. This was absolutely hilarious. Love, AK
ReplyDelete