America the Stupid.

I know making sweeping generalizations is often a dangerous way to give an opinion. It allows no wiggle room for details and can unintentionally insult people. But I'm not going to let that stop me from criticizing two things that I recently noticed.

This is the part where my wife usually tells me that I am being judgmental and condescending, reminding me that I have tried neither of the two things that I am about to rip. She often punctuates this admonishing with an all too accurate impersonation of me huffing and puffing about how stupid something is. I acknowledge that she is usually correct and that I often enjoy, with the exceptions of roller coasters and waiting in line at Coldstone Creamery , the things I choose to negatively prejudge. However, like the General Lee through a "Bridge is Out" sign, I will gleefully proceed down this dangerous road.

So why am I calling you out, America? Exhibit A of your common stupidity is Paul Blart, Mall Cop. How on earth was this movie the top grossing movie in America for consecutive weeks? Kevin James in a porn moustache? Hilarious. (As an aside, hasn't the whole "moustaches are funny just because they are moustaches" joke run its course? When retro gags become dated themselves it is time to quit.) I'm not sure what Blart was playing against the weeks it finished number one. That it was the only movie showing that week seems like the only reasonable answer. If a fat guy in a security uniform doing slapstick pratfalls is all you need to make a blockbuster, then sign me up. Somebody get me a plastic badge, I'm gonna be rich! Sheesh.

Issue number two is less about being stupid than it is unnecessary. I give you, as seen on tv, the Snuggie. Never mind that it sounds like something I'd have to pay a hooker extra for, do I really need a blanket with sleeves? I think I've seen that somewhere before, oh yeah, hanging in my closet. It's called a robe. Mine comes in flannel; I didn't see that possiblity offered in your infomercial. Those poor helpless people in the commercial who can't hold a phone and stay warm at the same time, whose hands are "trapped" underneath a blanket-God forbid they have real problems. The only practical application I could see for the Snuggie is using them in place of hospital gowns. Then my giant ass might actually be covered while I wait for Dr. Coldhands. Though, I'd probably still manage to put it on backwards.

I'm sure with this post I have offended at least one friend or reader who can't wait until Blart comes out on DVD so they can wrap themselves in their Snuggie and watch from their couch. And if history is any indicator, my wife and I will be right there with them, me wearing my Snuggie and my Wife wearing her "I told you so" face.