Thursday, October 15, 2009

Enlarging the Lexicon.

My wife, Amanda, inadvertently helped me coin a phrase last week. Much to her chagrin, mostly because the phrase is crass and juvenile, I haven't stopped using it since. I was watching one of my favorite Food Network shows, Diners, Drive-thrus and Dumps, when apparently I made a sound like I was enjoying the idea of bacon-wrapped meatloaf a little too much. Amanda sarcastically asked me if I had popped a boner and I told her, "Yes, dear. A food boner."

So now I'm out to make "food boner" the preferred measuring stick(so to speak) for rating dishes. Male food critics of the world I implore you to drop the star system in favor of the Food Boner Index. Your sushi was fresh, delicious and perfectly rolled? How about three food boners out four? The food was okay, but the atmosphere was terrible? Perhaps this cafe only merits two food boners. Better yet, since I'm not terribly interested in counting boners, maybe we could make it all or nothing, pass/fail style. If the food and experience rock, you get a Food Boner. If the food and experience stink, you get a "Flaccid" next to your name in the write-up. Help me America, join in the crusade to make "Food Boner" so popular that it joins bling, green-collar and staycation as ridiculous additions to Webster's Dictionary.

And while on the subject of words, I'll hip you to another of my mini-crusades(you'd think I really have nothing important to do)-I want to bring Grass back as the preferred slang term for marijuana. Not pot, weed or dope-grass. As in "Pass the Grass." or the cheesy bumper sticker form decades past, "Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free."

5 comments:

  1. Damn..I thought I was the only person to use the phrase "food boner." Ive been using it for years also in reference to things I see on the Food Network.

    There's levels too....

    the Flaccid, the Playboy, the Hustler, and the Full on Raging.

    Strange messed up minds think alike..... :)

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  2. Yes indeed, strange messed up minds think alike

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  3. So, what do women get to call it? I'd probably start crying if I got a boner...

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  4. Anonymous8:14 PM

    I'm pretty sure the scale should be in inches. According to one study, 5" is the average (another says 5.9"), so don't go crazy calling every dish a 10-incher.

    There's also the issue of growers vs show-ers, but then that's probably a whole 'nother post.

    Also, as a warning, if you ever go to Wikipedia to research average penis length, be prepared -- you're going to get full-frontal representation of the topic.

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  5. Ah...food porn. Can't stand the host of triple D, but more than once have I gotten Rock-Hard Hungry after watching that show. Anthony Bourdain does it for me too. Lately I've been into the ass-to-mouth dirty of the food porn world...Man vs Food. Good God I get hungry watching that show. Makes me wanna get greasy hands, I want to be full of hard salami, and get a full-on facial of some kind of hot sauce. Mmmmm, food porn.

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