Monday, August 20, 2012

News Flash: Zoos Are Smelly, Water Is Wet and Tomatoes Taste Tomato-ey

Everything is bigger in Texas, especially the nerve of Jennelle Carrillo.  This mental giant is suing the Dallas Cowboys  because she severely burned her bum on a bench outside Cowboys Stadium.  According to ESPN.com's story, "The suit alleges that Cowboys Stadium posted no warning signs alerting fans that the benches could be hot."  I'm sorry that Ms Carrillo needed skin grafts after getting burned worse than the Cowboys' secondary, but did she really need a sign to know that a black marble bench setting in the August sun might be hot?  (Sure, you can debate the wisdom of placing a black marble bench in direct sun, but I don't believe Jerry Jones is out to intentionally harm ticket holders.  Unless, of course, the bench had a sign reading "Reserved for Redskins Fans Only".)  My three-year-old figured out this mystifying "heat" concept the first time she grabbed a seat belt that had been hanging in the sunlight.  Maybe I should have sued Honda instead of teaching Grace complex scientific notions like "absorption" and "hot sun".  I tripped over the untied laces of my One Stars the other day; somebody get me the Converse lawyers on the phone! 

I suppose Ms. Carrillo should be thankful she wasn't wearing what I believe is the customary daily attire of most Texans- assless chaps. Of course, if she had then she probably could sue Assless Chaps Inc. for failing to attach a tag reading, "Warning:these assless chaps are indeed assless."  Even though I realize personal responsibility took a vacation long ago, this story pisses me off.  This lady makes me wish tort reform would include getting beaten senseless if your lawsuit was deemed frivolous.   Her lawyer, according to ESPN.com, told KDFW that Carrillo has suffered "mental anguish, physical pain and disfigurement as a result of her wounds."  He, apparently, forgot to mention that these were self-inflicted wounds.  The Cowboys' offensive line ought to be allowed to use Ms. Carrillo's lawyer as a tackling dummy.  Only a greedy horse's ass would file this lawsuit.  Texas hasn't seen an act this repugnant in the thirty years since J.R Ewing was last on television.

Wait, what?  "Dallas" is on again?  New episodes?  Well, that's more preposterous than this lawsuit.

I know some of you are thinking that I wouldn't be writing this if it were a different team being sued.  Trust me, I am a much bigger fan of common sense than of even the Dallas Cowboys.  And remember, any attack on America's Team, is an attack on America, an attack on all of us.

[Dropping to one knee as two assistants drape me in the American flag to the fading strains of "Battle Hymn of the Republic"]





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