Dear Gary Bettman,
You sir, are an idiot. I'm sorry. That's no way to start a letter. And if my daughter heard me say that she'd remind me I'm not supposed to say that word. You sir, should be ashamed of yourself. It's not just that you have tried to make professional hockey into the NBA on Ice. It's not that you are presiding over your third(!) work stoppage during your tenure as NHL commissioner. It's not that everyone I know agrees you resemble the Count from Sesame Street. (One player lockout-ah-ah-ah, two player lockouts ah-ah-ah, three player lockouts ah-ah-ah.) It's not that you oversaw the unnecessary Southern Expansion Strategy. It's all of the above.
I'm not an economist, nor an accountant. I don't have to be, because the number-crunched details of the labor negotiations do not matter. I don't care about the salary cap. I don't want to see your books. I don't care about revenue sharing or what percentage operating expenses are devoted to player salaries. I'm not saying you and the owners should cave into every request of the players (who are not absolved of sin in this), but as the caretaker of major league hockey in North America you can not cancel even one more game.
When you last locked out the players it cost an entire season. An entire season without NHL hockey. It is a wonder missing an entire season didn't destroy the NHL forever. You are lucky that there were enough dopes like me who love the game so much that, despite millionaires and billionaires spitting in our faces, we tuned back in and even paid outrageous prices to attend games. You were also incredibly fortunate that when hockey returned last time, it was buoyed by the emergence of two dynamic rookies, Alexander Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby. A season of empty arenas was wiped from memories by acrobatic goals and a rivalry reborn. You will not be so lucky this time. Ovechkin will have to have a huge bounceback (fingers crossed) to be the player he was then. Crosby is one hard check away from moving from Mario's basement to the Lindros-Lafontaine Wing of the NHL Retirement Home. You must make the owners understand how damaging this lockout will be if games are actually cancelled. Get training camps open on time. Be ready on Opening Night. Get this done.
And if you need any more incentive, I make you this vow: I will not cut my hair until the lockout ends.* I am need of a haircut now, so this brillo pad will be a honkey afro before long. Aside from my brother-in-law who encourages me to grow the fro to match his own, no one wants to see my hair expand like a well-watered Chia Pet. There is a reason, except for the unfortunate Afro Summer of '95, my hair hasn't been much longer than crew cut length in over thirty years. But I'll do it Gary, I'll unleash this hair helmet on the world if you don't do what is right. So, please Mr. Commissioner, save hockey, save the eyeballs of those around me. End this unnecessary conflict now.
*I reserve the right to break this vow around the time my wife looks at my head and says, "Dude, really?"
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