I want you to try something. Call a buddy over, you are going to need some help. Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart. Now ask your buddy to kick you in the nuts as hard as he can. I don't mean a gentle toe tap. I mean a kick that drives one of your testicles so far inside you surgery will be required to remove it. Go ahead, I'll wait... Hurts doesn't it? Why would you ask somebody to do that? Are you stupid or somethin'? Now you know how it feels to be a Washington Capitals fan. We stand, feet spread, wincing as we accept, practically beg for, a big 'ol nut punt Spring after Spring.
It's like some sort of decades-long fraternity hazing. Thank you, Sir! May I have another? Yes, I will stand here and endure all these Daniel-san crane kicks to the ballbag, but it will all be worth it because at some point I will get my pledge pin and get to play beer pong with pretty girls, right? No dumbass! You are going to take all those scrote-ripping groin busters and the big Swedish goaltender is still going to kick in the door, steal all your Milwaukee's Best and take your woman upstairs.
I mean, seriously? Can something be inevitable and impossible at the same time? 101 seconds from Round 3. A disallowed goal. A puck deflecting off a defenseman's skate, through the goalie's pads to be tapped in for a goal with .3 seconds left in the period. Simply more markers on the road map charting the Hockey Heartbreak Highway that Caps fans have traveled for decades. Run your fingers along the route with me. (Not that longtime fans need a map. We can find every exit and way station with our eyes closed.) Gonchar falling in OT. Joe Juneau failing to convert an overtime penalty shot. Tom Poti's penalty. Esa Tikkanen. I've got a dozen more, but you get the point.
This blog, whether discussing my dad skills or my favorite teams, is frequently fueled by pessimism and incompetence. In this regard, the Capitals are a flippin' nuclear reactor. The negative energy emanating from this franchise is unreal. Almost literally unreal. It seems impossible that every time they land in a Game 7 after blowing a 3-1 series lead they end up completing the fall. But here we are, 5 for 5. Impossible yet inevitable. Who didn't think when they lost Game 5 in OT that they were done? Liar. Then a frantic comeback in Game 6 provided false hope that maybe they could pull something off in Game 7. Lucy pulling the football from Charlie Brown one more time. Good Grief indeed, Chuck. There will be fans talking about what a great game Game 7 was. They will tell you it could have gone either way. They will tell you the Caps stood toe to toe with the better, favored, President's Trophy-winning Rangers through seven one goal games. This is all true. Also true, however, is that Washington once again choked away a 3-1 series lead. I don't care how big an underdog you are, you must finish that series.
Because if you don't, despite having a new coach and a new GM and new players and a new attitude and new resolve, you are still just the same old Caps. Is it October yet?
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