Alarming.

Being a light sleeper with an overactive imagination is never a great combination, let alone when things in your house start beeping  in the middle of the night.  With so many phones, tablets, and other electronics about, when the beeping started the other night, I figured I had incorrectly set my alarm or someone was texting too late.  My foggy brain ran through the checklist of possible beeps until I realized the source of the noise was the carbon monoxide detector downstairs.  It is safe to say, after that, my brain was no longer foggy.

I rushed downstairs hoping the pattern of beeps was only a dying battery notification.  A quick scan of the legend indicated it was not a battery problem. Crap.  Okay, four beeps means a CO problem, five chirps indicates the device is dead.  Discerning the number of beeps isn't as simple as it sounds, especially when anxiety is threatening to take the wheel.  The beeps (Or are they chirps?) are so close together I really was having trouble counting them.  If they were beeps we have a problem.  If I am listening to chirps then I think we are okay.  The purchase date etched on the back of the device read 2009.  Certainly old enough that this thing has simply quit on us.  But no self-respecting worst case scenario guy can leave it at that.

I walk the beeping menace upstairs for a second opinion.  Always thrilled to be awakened by anything, my beautiful wife assures me it is five beeps and rolls back over.  I, of course, remain unconvinced.  I consider the options.  1)Move the family to fresh air and call the fire department to investigate.  2)  Turn off the heat, smash the faulty detector, sleep with the windows open for fresh air, deal with in the morning.  3)Assume it was five harmless beeps, trust the upstairs detector that has not sounded, and take our chances.  4)Fret about making the right decision, endure paralysis through analysis. 

As usual, I choose Door Number 4.  Amanda, now wide awake thanks to the incessant beeping and my pacing and muttering, comes downstairs wearing a look somewhere between Bemused and What the F@*k Are You Doing?

Hey Lady, I am just trying to keep our family safe!
The ensuing discussion was a microcosm of our twenty years together.  My wife: rational, practical, calm.  Me: worried, fretful, certain we're doomed, saying helpful things like, "Why does this never happen at three on the afternoon?"

Me: I still don't know how many beeps that was.  Why can't they make it like 4 vs 12 beeps?

Amanda: It was five, Bryan.

Me: Ummmm, you might be right, but I am just not sure.

Amanda: Count. The. Beeps.

Me: Five. No, four. Or maybe it is five.

Amanda: Bryan!

At this point, I am looking through YouTube demo videos of our brand of detector hoping to hear the difference between a beep and a chirp.  Guess what? They sound EXACTLY THE SAME.  How is that helpful?  Thanks Internet for failing to solve my problems!  Never one to be afraid of making a mountain out of a mole hill, I decide our course of action.  I reign in the crazy long enough to not dial 911.  No, the solution is to go buy new detectors.  And that, kids, is how I ended up at Walmart at 1am. 

Dodging floor waxers and shelf stockers, I found, much to my sweet relief, that they now make CO detectors that talk to you.  There is no ambiguity in a robot voice imploring you to run out of the house.  I rush home, plug in the new detectors, close the windows, and cross my fingers.  I decided to stay up a while to make sure all was well.  While my family slept peacefully, I sat vigilant watch.  Unfortunately, the crazy crept back in.  As any hypochondriac knows, the symptoms you are worried about are the symptoms you feel.  I started to feel some of the main symptoms of CO poisoning: headache, cloudy mind, sleepiness or, you know, the exact way you feel if you are awake at 3am.  With my new monitors remaining silent, I finally settled the anxiety, left the rest to the Big Man Upstairs, and grabbed a few hours of fitful rest.  We all woke up in the morning, so I guess all is well.  Safety first, even I was a bit tired in the morning.  At least I didn't have to sit through hours of boring testimony during jury duty the whole next zzzzzzz....