Capitals Assemble!

It was 1992. I know because I looked it up to double check my memory.  1992 was the first time the Caps blew a 3-1 series lead to the Penguins.  Then they did it again in 1995. Sure, they first lost to the Pens in the postseason in 1991, but it was those blown leads in '92 and '95 that really built my hatred for the men in black. The subsequent Shakespearean tragedies (Nedved, Gonchar falling in OT, Bonino, seemingly a hundred other moments) have cemented that hatred.  Watching Lemeiux and Crosby hoist the Cup (the Pens have eliminated the Caps in each of the seasons Pittsburgh has won the Cup) makes it that much worse.  Nearly thirty years of soul-draining, head-scratching, heart-wrenching beatdowns.

So they meet again.  Pittsburgh gunning for their third straight elimination of Washington and their third straight Stanley Cup.  Washington looking to somehow rip the black and gold monkey from their back.  About the same time the puck drops for Game One tomorrow night, Marvel's Avengers Infinity War hits theaters.  The film's villain, Thanos, is a big, purple, Grimace-on-steroids dude.  I can't think of a more apt avatar for Sidney Crosby than a purple-headed, penis-looking villian.  And the Capitals will have to "assemble" their greatest effort yet in order to "avenge" three decades of misery.  To save the galaxy beat Pittsburgh, Washington will have to defeat Crosby/Thanos and his sycophantic minions LeTang, Murray, Referees, and Pierre Maguire.  In a fun exercise, I decided to cast our hockey heroes as their Marvel counterparts.  More knowledgeable comic fans, please feel free to correct me or weigh in.

Alex Ovechkin as Iron Man: The Russian Machine is the wealthiest, flashiest, arguably most important leader of the Capitals, outfitted with the heaviest weapons. As Ovie goes, so do the Caps.

T.J. Oshie as Captain America: Duh

Nick Backstrom as Vision: Nicky has the quiet, cool demeanor of artificial intelligence transplanted in a sentient being. And, of course, the name just fits as he has terrific on-ice "vision."

Tom Wilson as The Hulk: The Caps need a lot of smash from #43, but they also need Wilson to channel Bruce Banner's smarts when deciding when to dance.

Dimitri Orlov as Black Widow:  A slick Russian operative capable of acrobatic moves and putting an opponent flat on his back.  No word on how good he looks in a black leather jumpsuit.

Devante Smith-Pelly as Hawkeye: Not the most popular Avenger, nor possessing superpowers, Smith-Pelly has had a knack for being a sniper blasting his top shelf target at just the right moment.  What, you thought he had to be Black Panther because he is the only black player on the Caps?

Braden Holtby as Black Panther: To defeat the Pens, Holtby will need to be as impenetrable as T'Challa's Wakandan armor.

Matt Niskanen as Bucky Barnes: A former enemy becomes an ally.  In his third series against his old mates, can Nisky be a difference maker?  Plus Winter Soldier is a cool nickname for a hockey player.

Evgeny Kuznetsov as Dr Strange:  Kuzy's magic hands make him a wizard with the puck.

Jakub Vrana as Spider-Man: The speedy youngster has the opportunity to play a small, but pivotal role in the action.

Jay Beagle as Ant Man:  A fourth-liner in a small role becomes a giant on the PK and at the face off dot.

Lars Eller as Thor: Okay, he might not be the God of Thunder, but he brought the hammer in OT helping slay the giant Bobrovsky and he IS Scandinavian.

John Carlson as Star Lord: The All-American kid that can bring the big laser blasts.

Barry Trotz as Nick Fury: For no other reasons than Trotz is the leader and looks like he should wear an eye patch.

What's that? Oh, what is my prediction for the series? I have no clue. I mean, the law of averages says the Caps are due, but we all know the hockey gods don't care about the law of averages.  I'm content to sit on the edge of my seat and enjoy (as much as I can) watching this roller coaster ride of a spring blockbuster play out.

Never Tell Me the Odds

I'm ready, but not yet willing to give up on my Caps.  We've been here before, hoping against all good sense that our hometown hockey team can defy the odds. While we anxiously wait for Game Three, pondering the possibilities, here's another playoff edition of Fact/Opinion:

Fact: No team has won a series after losing the first two games at home, in overtime.  Only 19 of 103 teams have won a series after losing the first two games at home. One of those teams was the Capitals in 2009 versus the Torts-coached Rangers.
Opinion: We gotta get Torts a water bottle.

Fact: Tom Wilson's growth as an offensive player was an integral part of Washington's regular season success.
Opinion: Tom Wilson is also a bonehead who should be made to wear a shock collar with which an assistant coach could taze Wilson if he is about to take a stupid penalty.

Fact: I understand a coach's job is to babble coachspeak and attempt to maintain an even keel in post game press conferences following losses.
Opinion: After Game 2, Barry Trotz should have dispensed with the happy horseshit about the many positives to be taken from the game. (John Carlson hitting the post with thirty seconds left wasn't a good thing. Somebody in red always hits the post.   It was more a sarcastic chuckle from the universe.) You can grasp at positivity straws, but I'd rather you get angry, rip your guys for the terrible second period, show ANY kind of emotion. If you are going to look like a Russian premier you might as well bang your shoe on the podium.

Fact: A young co-worker was lamenting the anguish she has felt during her six years as a Caps fan.
Opinion: That's nice. Come talk to me in another 24 years, kid.

Fact: The viral video of Brett Connolly's attempts to get a warm up puck to a young fan was heart-warming. (Except for the other two brats who kept stealing them, of course.)
Opinion: It would have been better for the other 18,504 fans in attendance if he could have placed a few pucks in the net instead of the front row.

Fact:Braden Holtby is talented enough to steal this series.
Opinion: Haha, good one, Bryan.

Fact: The first and third periods of Game 2 showed who the Caps CAN BE.
Opinion: The second period of Game 2 showed who they ARE.

Fact: Washington's power play is operating at an outstanding 38.5%.
Opinion: This is much less impressive when you realize Washington PK is allowing Columbus' PP to score at a whopping 50% clip.

Fact: I will Rock the Red until it's over.
Opinion: It gets harder every year.

Fact: I previously picked Columbus to win in seven games.
Opinion: Columbus in six.

I've Got Mail!

Ah, yes, can you smell the frozen vulcanized rubber in the air? With the NHL regular season in the rearview mirror, sixteen teams are about embark on a battle for the toughest trophy to win in all of sport, that cherished chalice, the Stanley Cup.  Pardon the hyperbole; I'm a bit excited to see if my Caps can make a serious postseason run.  To kill some time until Thursday's Game One with Columbus, I thought I would dip into the That's No Moon Mailbag and answer some real questions from actual Washington Capitals fans.

Hi Bryan, 
I'm having a hard time deciding what to do about a playoff beard this year.  The Caps have never won in any postseason when I have grown one, yet have also never won when I have forsaken the beard. It's almost as if my beard has no bearing on the outcome of a series. Advice?-Facial Dilemma in Fairfax

Thanks for the letter, Facial Dilemma. You've fallen into that old trap: thinking you matter.  We all twist ourselves into that logic pretzel of wondering had we done one little thing differently could we have prevented a devastating playoff loss. Aside from a trip to the Finals in 1998 fueled solely by my steadfast vow to eat a Royal Farms chicken salad sub prior to every playoff game, adhering to my superstitions has never helped. As for your beard, can you grow a robust chin jungle that would make Brent Burns proud? Or are you like me and look like a testosterone-deficient, scabies-suffering, low-level pot dealer being busted on COPS when you try to grow a beard? I trust you'll do the right thing.

Good morning B,
This team always drives me to drink by mid-May, so I decided to start early this year.  I'm drunk right now. Too soon?  - Hammered in Howard County.

Good morning Hammered,
To paraphrase the poetic duet performed by Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett, it's Game 7 somewhere.  So, no, it is never too early with this team.

Yo That's No Moon,
Grubie or Holtbeast, who ya got?- Crease Crisis in Crownsville

Crease, you raise the biggest question of the postseason. Barry Trotz's answer will likely define the remainder of his tenure in D.C.  Grubauer has been one of the best goaltenders in the league since January 1st, yet lacks extensive playoff experience.  Braden Holtby, while shaky, has played better of late, but has not been his dominant self.  Also, remember, Holtby is vastly more experienced, however, that experience totals up to a 19-20 career playoff record complete with the inability to make THE save to turn a game or series in the Caps' favor.  Given they are both somewhat beholden to the defense, or lack thereof, in front of them, I think I ride with Grubauer.  Having a Vezina Trophy winner on hand for emergencies sounds like an okay problem to have.  Then again, as esteemed American philosopher and playwright, John Madden,was fond of saying "If you have two quarterbacks, you don't any."

Bryan, I'm thinking of taking a vow of celibacy until Washington wins the Cup. Thoughts? - Blueballed in Bladensburg

Well, Blue, I hope you like Washington's radio announcers because you are likely to be blind by the time the Caps break their drought.

Hello Bryan,
TORTS IS A DOUCHE!!!!!
- Wound Up in Wheaton

*Duly noted*

Hi B, 
Penguins versus Flyers? Who the heck do I root for in that one? - Perplexed in Potomac

Perplexed, at first I thought this would be the toughest question to answer in the whole mailbag.  These two Patrick Division holdovers make my skin itch like no other teams.  I hate them with every fiber of my hockey fandom.  Each are reviled rivals whose fans, with the exception of an awesome few that I know, are just as loathsome.  Faced with this awful choice, I choose to root for D.  No, not defense.  In that series I root for Disease,  Diarrhea, and Dismemberment.  Never forget, Perplexed, those teams are animals and should be treated as such.

Hey Bryan,
As a long suffering Caps fan do you ever allow yourself to be a little optimistic? After two seasons of underachieving as favorites maybe Washington can fly under the radar without the burden of expectation.  They have played better and won more games in the regular season than any of us could have imagined.  The defense is improving. T.J. Oshie has bounced back from a slow start. Ovechkin is scoring. Kuzy is on fire.  Columbus is beatable.  The Pens and Flyers will beat the crap out of each other.  Dare I dream? - Amped in Adams Morgan

Wuher, do you wanna take this one?

"We don't serve your kind here."

Hey Beezer, 
When this inevitably goes South I'll need to place an internet order. Is there one "M" or two in Hemlock? -Kevin in Indiana

And that closes up the mailbag, folks. Enjoy Round One!