Eat this, Weed Eater.

I thought I was facing a common problem and judging by the volume of traffic on internet message boards, I am. My gas powered weed trimmer is a piece of crap that is driving me batty. Quite simply, I can't get the thing started. The weeds near the house are about to take over and I might have to resort to grazing like a cow to chop them down.

I always feel a little inadequate and less manly when I can't solve some sort of household trouble like this. I know little about engines and I'm neither mechanical, nor handy. (Which is kind of funny considering that I work in a construction trade.) I have spent the past couple of weeks fooling with this trimmer. Despite my best efforts, which obviously fall woefully short, the trimmer taunts me. Coughing enough to make me think it will start, it quits with a ratttle that sounds an awful lot like a teasing chuckle. Even the label on the engine- Homelite. Simply Reliable.- winks at me sarcastically.

Fortunately, I have a life preserver when it comes to household repairs, mechanical malfunctions, etc. I hauled the beast over to Dr. Dad's house so he could look it over. He cleaned the sparkplug and checked the air filter(Which, to my credit, I had done previously.) Still unable to start it, he decided that the gas-to-oil fuel mix ratio may be out of balance. Fair enough, I can handle it from there. All I have to do is look up the mix ratio for my trimmer on Homelite's website. Simple, right? Wrong.

My trimmer's model number is not among the two dozen that Homelite posts on their website. It's as if my trimmer is in a Witness Protection program for garden tools- "Don't look for me, I don't exist." Upon deeper analysis I realize that every model I click on uses the same mix ratio. Surely mine requires the same ratio, right? Of course not. Cough, cough. Sputter, sputter. Hahaha.

Usually if my Dad can't solve this kind of problem I figure I have no shot. I am happy to report, however, that my weeds are now trimmed and my sidewalks edged. I did what any self-respecting UnHandyman would do: I bought a new trimmer. This time I bought an electric trimmer so the choke, filter, sparkplug and fuel mix ratio can kiss my ass. The new trimmer is quieter, doesn't spew purple smoke and is lighter in weight. If I can keep from tripping over the cord or cutting it half with the string, I think we'll have a happy life together. I imagine someone who does small engine repair could have the old trimmer up and firing in no time, but I'd have as much tied up in parts and labor as I paid for the new trimmer. (I'll probably give it to Dad, who, with a few days tinkering will likely have it up and running.) So, to the friend that I teased for having a girly electric lawnmower, I say-Please forgive me, for I now join your ranks.

But you know the real bitch of it? The weeds are vanquished and my wife is pleased, but to me, the yard doesn't really look any better. Unless you have a well-tended, landscaped yard a few unruly weeds don't amount to a hill of beans.