Heads Up, Scrubs Fans.

Meant to post this reminder yesterday. The Scrubs season premeire is tonight at 9. The Office and Scrubs back-to-back should give The O'Reilly Factor a run for its money as the funniest hour on TV.

It's Those Damn Tuna Flavored Wet Suits.

Sea World Trainer Held Underwater By Killer Whale

I was glad to read he is okay. These animals, trainers and shows are amazing.

Forecasters and Floozies.

This post is probably as predictable as the panicked preseason predictions were, but I don't care. Huuricane season ends today with a whisper. I want all the talking heads who breathlessly warned of an apocalyptic season in the spring to be on TV today telling us how wrong they were. Today, these experts look dumber than that trinity of tasteless party girls-Britney, Paris and Lindsay- that has been flaunting it for the tabloids for the last week. A quick aside to these girls: If you know the paparazzi is stalking you, trying to shoot an embarassing photo, maybe you should wear panties when you step out of a car wearing a dress. That way I don't have to navigate articles about, and photos of, your exposed, naked private parts everytime I log onto the internet. To steal from Dean Wormer-Pantiless, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.

Anyway, these hurricane forecasters have to be the luckiest SOBs on the planet. Only baseball hitters can fail this much and get paid. As my friend Killer likes to say, he would be fired if he screwed up as much as weathermen. I know, Iknow they are only giving predictions. But these predictions are supposedly based on a wealth of data. After their dire, worse-than-Katrina forecasts, to see a season where not one single named storm sniffed the US mainland is ridiculous. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad they were wrong and coastlines were spared. I just wish they would keep the Hype Machine in the box until it is truly warranted. Yeah, right. It's more likely that Britney Spears will win Mother of the Year.

Hurtful? Yes. Lawsuit-Worthy? No Way.

I was angered, but not surprised, by Tucker Carlson's interview with Gloria Alred on his MSNBC show Monday afternoon. Alred is the attorney representing the two men insulted by actor Michael "Apparently I'm Only Funny As Kramer" Richards during his stand-up act 2+ weeks ago. Alred's clients are contemplating suing Richards for monetary damages. She suggested that the two men and Richards plead their case before a retired judge who would then make a recomendation to Alred on the viability of a lawsuit. What?

Look, I in no way endorse what Richards said or did. It was racist, indecent behavior that shouldn't happen. I'm sure the men were hurt, angered, disgusted, embarassed and humiliated. But somebody needs to explain to me, better than Miss Alred did, why these men deserve money. If they want to find Richards and punch him the mouth, I've got no beef with that. If they want to hang HIM upside down with a fork stuck up HIS ass, I'm fine with that, too. But, they do not deserve $$$. Miss Alred could not justify her stance in the face of Tucker's questioning. Perhaps, because there is no reasonable basis for a suit.

This case could be landmark, though. Maybe if somebody on the street calls me fat ass, I can track them down and sue them for damages. Oh wait, I have a better idea. Attention (soon to be former) friends and hockey buddies: I have decided that I was hurt everytime you insulted me by pointing out that I have a big nose. So be forewarned, if you ever called me Toucan, Noseboy, Pizza,Pizza (think about the Little Caesar's mascot) or Nose-tradamus, you will be hearing from my attorney. Paging Gloria Alred...

Mr. No-Glass

I haven't posted as much as I would have liked lately because of time constraints. My days have been filled with Thanksgiving visiting and training with my new company. That's right, folks, a new job! For those of you who don't know ( and for those I didn't tell personally, I apologize ) My Former Employer did for me what I hadn't done for myself by laying me off in late October. Once I recovered from the sting of being let go I actually enjoyed what turned into essentially a four week vacation. Now My New Employer, who I'll decline to name in this public forum, has rescued me from the worry and anxiety of an extended period of unemployment. Thus far, I like my new post with My New Employer and have high hopes for the future. Stay tuned.

Mint-y Fresh

WooHoo! The US Mint is releasing new $1 coins with redesigned Presidents' heads. Mint Director Edmund C. Hoy, during the unveiling of the first four coins in the series, said "Having lettering on the edge gives each coin a very modern, kind of hip and cool look." Really? First of all, when have coins ever been hip and cool? Beyond having a pocketful of them, raise your hand if you give a damn about coins. Following the fabulous success of using Susan B. Anthony and Sacajawea to adorn coins, I can't believe these guys really think dollar coins will catch on now. In an era when people increasingly swipe their plastic for even tiny purchases, how "modern" is a coin? Except for the lemmings who wanted to inspect my change for new state quarters every time I purchased a canned soda, I don't see the appeal. But if you do find it appealing, grab your commemorative pleather 43 slot dollar coin holder and get all the hip and cool details here.

The Curse Continues.

Sometimes when dealing with a PR nightmare, the best move is to simply keep your mouth shut. Somebody should have given Michael Richards that advice. I don't know if the man is racist or if he is truly sorry for his tasteless rant from the weekend. What I do know is that his disjointed apology on Letterman Monday night did him no favors. A coherent written statement probably would have been a better move than that awkward seven minutes beamed into The Ed Sullivan Theater via satellite.

I will give him credit for not using the celebs' excuse du jour of blaming the episode on being drunk and immediately checking into rehab. I just think if he wanted to aplogize he could have picked a better forum. Letterman was clearly uncomfortable and the audience really didn't know what to do, sometimes chuckling awkwardly. Weird.

Now I Can Cross-Promote And Have Blog Synergy

I've created a new page that I will devote entirely to sports talk. I'll be discussing the hot issues, breaking down the games and rehashing fan memories. I believe the countless hours I have spent attending games, reading the sports page and digesting games on TV and radio have prepared me. Facewash is now up and running. Hopefully, I'll be able to entertain and inform. Sort of like a cyberspace sports bar, full of good-natured arguments and cheers. Tune in, if you please.

Best of the B-List

After Roberto posted about his crush on Amy Sedaris and after I learned that Wolske shares my admiration for sweet, sweet Lindsay Czarniak, I decided it was time to publish my list. You see, I have mentally compiled a list of TV/movie personalities that I find, let's see how shall I say it, incredibly watchable. There is just something about them that makes you want to tune in. The other thing you'll notice about the list is that none of the ladies who appear on it are superstars. They fly under the radar , B-list beauties, if you will. Everybody knows Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansen and Jessica Alba; my list digs a little deeper. So, with apologies to my wife(who, in my eyes, is the hottest woman on the planet) , I present a list that is very easy on the eyes:

Lauren Graham - The term "MILF" may be crude and out of date, but it perfectly suits Graham's character on the Gilmore Girls. We watch it because it's a funny, sharply written show, but with her as the star I'd watch even if they spoke Chinese.

Fox's Pam Oliver and ESPN's Erin Andrews - Two of the best in the biz. (Although, I do think sideline reporters, male or female, are essentially a useless part of any game broadcast.)

Mary Louise Parker - Sexy, saucy and a dry delivery that's funny as hell.

MSNBC's trio of talking heads Chris Jansing , Alison Stewart and Amy Robach make the bad news so much better.

SNL's Amy Poehler - Funny as hell. Enough said.

Rashida Jones - Exhibit A for the argument that famous people should mate with other famous people. (She's the daughter of Quincy Jones and Peggy Lipton.)

The Wreckers - This country duo, singers Michelle Branch and Jessica Harp, is a recent addition to the list thanks to Imus in the Morning.

Inbox Theatre

Because I have a little too much time on my hands I decided to write a short scene in which the entire dialogue consists of subject lines from my email inbox. Finally, a use for spam.
Setting-Any street corner:

"Hi, friend."

"Yo."

"Want to be a hero in bed?"

"It is finally time."

"Looking for medications?"

Shrugs shoulders. "Don't know where to buy pills."

"It is no wonder your girlfriend is very angry. Are you ready?"

"Dear sir, I am interested in it."

"It is fully guaranteed to make you shoot more and more."

Incredulously: "Feet?"

"It is possible today with excellent formula." Hands him pill bottle.

"Is this it?"

Nods knowingly. "Buy it now and this night will be the best of your life."

Star Wars ! What really happened after the Deathstar blew up

I always forget to watch Robot Chicken, so those of you that do have probably already seen this. it cracked me up, though.

Why I Wear My "I Voted" Sticker With Pride.

In the midst of a season of clashing agendas and unsavory mudslinging, I took time yesterday to reflect upon how fortunate I feel to live in a nation where my voice and its echoes can be heard. Forget for a moment the corruption, the numbers, the animosity. Instead, focus on the priceless gift of representation our forefathers bestowed upon us. We must never squander this favor; too many voices across the globe fall upon deaf ears. Whether ardently defending current policies or desperately seeking a new bearing, it is our responsibility as Americans to shout out, through cast ballots, our ambitions and aspirations. Like every election day, yesterday provided confirmation that the process, however ugly at times, is necessary and just. From a young local candidate warmly greeting voters on a gloomy day to a faithful statesman's dignified concession, yesterday renewed my faith that America, despite her foibles and missteps, will remain a shining beacon of promise.

Hero, On And Off The Court

It is hard to believe that it was fifteen years ago today that Magic Johnson announced that he was retiring from the NBA because he had contracted HIV. Besides making me feel old, this anniversary reminds me how far we have come in terms of AIDS awareness and education. Not many people who heard Magic's news that day figured he would be alive today. As a society we were ignorant about this awful disease. Magic's tragedy brought the disease towards the mainstream. Magic was a healthy, heterosexual man who contracted HIV through unprotected sex with a woman. It didn't immediately break down barriers; I remember headlines and whispers wondering if Magic was gay. After all, he had kissed Isaiah Thomas on the cheek during the Finals, hadn't he? Fortunately, most of America has come to grips with the facts that being gay isn't the end of the world and that HIV/AIDS is indiscriminate in who it destroys. Ultimately, Johnson's story taught not only that HIV wasn't just a gay man's disease, but that it wasn't spread through casual contact. Players, some reluctantly, played alongside Magic during his brief return to basketball, acknowledging that it was safe to bump into or trade sweat with him. This may seem absurd now, but back then it was a genuine concern of those who were uneducated about the disease.

Of course, Magic's tale is not over; who knows what his future holds. He has been fortunate that he can afford the best medical attention and drugs available. Not everyone has that chance. But on that November afternoon fifteen years ago few gave Magic a chance either. Conventional wisdom said that he'd likely develop AIDS and die before the turn of the century. Hopefully, people will continue to learn from Magic Johnson's experience. Far too many Americans are still contracting the disease. The education movement that was bolstered by Johnson's admission must continue.

Earvin "Magic" Johnson was an amazing basketball player and has been a champion of the community as an entreprenuer and supporter of black businesses. However, his most important and lasting legacy was likely written when he stepped to the podium those many Novembers ago.

With Zero Precincts Reporting...

A few brief notes and questions on election day:

Has anybody else noticed that at every photo-op lately PA Sen. Rick Santorum has had that Phil Mickelson, bemused, "I may be a little medicated" smile plastered on his face? On the whole, I like Santorum ( I especially applaud his Autism research bill), but lately he has looked like a beaten man.

Am I naive to put my faith in electronic voting machines? I have read about the risks and some of the lab tests proving hacker accessibility, but most of us trust our lives to similar technology everyday. ATMs, credit card swipes and the internet all have dangers that we ignore.

Irrelevant, but neat- On the eve of Election Day, the Capitals defeated the Senators in NHL action last night.

I'd like to thank Bob and Kendall Erlich, Martin O'Malley and the host of other candidates who have jammed my voicemail box in recent weeks. Your "personal" messages have been sweet, but really, you shouldn't have. Also, your colorful signs have really added beauty to the landscape.

I suppose facing the gallows will make any man change his tune. Saddam Hussein now calls for reconciliation among Iraqi citizens-"I call on all Iraqis, Arabs and Kurds, to forgive, reconcile and shake hands," Saddam said. Why don't you do us all a favor and go shake hands with Allah, ass.

Finally, as always, If you don't vote today, don't bitch about the results tomorrow.

See This Movie.

Do yourself a favor, see the Borat movie. But wear a diaper because this movie is piss-your-pants funny. I haven't laughed that hard out loud in a movie theater since they brought out the gimp in Pulp Fiction. I'm going to have to find Da Ali G Show on DVD because I want to see what else Sacha Baron Cohen has done. In this mockumentary he doesn't just ignore political correctness, he shatters it with a hammer. It may be at the expense of all ethnic group, feminists and the eldery, but it's funny as hell.

Similar to the interviews on The Daily Show, it is sometimes difficult to tell who is in on the joke and who isn't. While it is obvious that some of the situations are completely scripted, some of the people he messes with appear to not realize they are being had. It doesn't matter if it was scripted to the letter, though, because it is funny either way. From Borat's naive cluelessness to dozens of sight gags this movie kicks ass.

As a side note, most of the interviews "Borat" has done to promote the movie have been funny also. It amazes me that Cohen is able to keep a straight face, not breaking character at all.

Glad I Stumbled Onto This.

Sometimes I'll click on Blogger's list of updated blogs to see what others are posting about. I often pick names that sound catchy or interesting only to be dissapointed when they are advertising disguised as a blog. Today, however, I hit the jackpot, though not directly. I clicked on Heaven Nose which turns out to be a blog that reviews other blogs. It is mildly entertaining because it appears that you can request them to review your page (And based on some of the disparaging reviews I read, I'll bet some requesters probably immediately regret that move.) Anyway, I'm getting off track.

In reviewing some lame blog, Heaven Nose compared it to another blog- Dooce. Dooce is a long running tale of a wife and mother who was fired from her job for blogging about work. She got the last laugh, however, because her site is now so popular that her ad revenue pays enough for her and her husband to do nothing but run her blog. This lady, Heather Armstrong, hilariously writes about all aspects of her life; I really can't do it justice here. If you enjoy funny, witty, sarcastic,"real life splayed out for everyone to see" posts, please check it out. She's got a very cool writing style. I'm going to plop it in my links and I will become a daily reader. She was recently profiled in a Salt Lake City Tribune article that you can find here. Enjoy.

Ice, Ice Baby.

Today, I went ice skating for the first time since my surgery. The doctor has cleared me to do as much physical activity as I feel comfortable. I've played some relatively pain free basketball, but I've been real anxious to return to the ice. I skated for about 45 minutes, feeling pretty good. However, the knee still lacks strength and stability, especially when it was the "under" leg on crossovers. There will definitely be no hockey in my immediate future. And this served as final confirmation that I was not secretly given a bionic knee as I had hoped. Instead of bigger, faster, stronger, I am only bigger than the last time I skated.

The good news is I survived the 45 minutes mostly unscathed. No falls, no bumps, no heart attack. The only damage is the lingering soreness that accompanies using muscles that are only used during skating and acrobatic sex. So, I've heard. Okay, I have to go now.

Tom Landry, Where Are You?

From the completely frivolous complaint file:

Let me start by saying that anybody, including NFL coaches, should have the right to wear anything they want. Having said that, Patriots coach Bill Belichick took football coach fashion to a new low Monday night. Belichik looked like he went straight from the shelter to the sideline, wearing a sweatshirt with cut-off sleeves and a ragged, frayed collar. This doesn't make him a bad coach, obviously his record proves just the opposite. I'm not opposed to a guy being comfortable and Belichick is hardly the only NFL coach who wears a sweatshirt or T-shirt on gameday. He is, however, the only one who wears a sweatshirt so damaged that if you replaced the Pats logo with "COLLEGE", you might confuse him with John Belushi's Animal House frat slob.

I miss the era where NFL coaches traded the sweats for suits on Sunday. Tom Landry, Vince Lombardi, Hank Stram, may they all rest in peace, exuded class and excellence. It might be tough for Belichick to squeeze a head set over a fedora, but he could at least wear something a little nicer than wind pants. I also find it hard to believe that a league that regulates everything from the length of a players uniform towel to the color of his shoe tape hasn't weighed in yet. I suppose maybe they are working on the licensing rights to the Bill Belichick Sideline Tank Top.

Oh, well. At least football coaches don't wear game uniforms like those goofy old baseball managers. Andy Reid or Bill Parcells in tight pants? No thank you.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

When will these dopey politicians learn?

John Kerry created a firestorm for no reason by trying to crack a stupid joke, saying at a Democratic rally on Monday: “You know education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.”

Obviously, today's military isn't a last resort catch-all for losers and dummies. This isn't the movie "Stripes". Today's volunteer armed forces, especially since 9/11, are loaded with college graduates and plenty of intelligent people that have other options. John Kerry knows this. The GOP knows John Kerry knows this. That's why this whole dust-up is ridiculous. The Republican attacks on John Kerry were excessive as was Kerry's retort. Let's all grow up. No intelligent voter is going to be distacted from the real issues by this story, so let's drop it. This is simply what happens when unfunny, message-programmed politicians try to be funny by going off script. Of course, in this era of sound bite journalism this often backfires. Leave the jokes to the comedians.