Break Glass, Press Panic Button

Watching clips and reading the text of Olie Kolzig's postgame comments after last night's Caps' loss to Florida has to be disheartening for any Caps fan. Kolzig, generally upbeat and optomistic even after losses, looked despondent sitting at his locker answering questions. He knows, as do all fans, that this team should be better than they are playing. Yes, offseason additions and a 3-0 start fueled unrealistic expectations, but there is no legitimate excuse for this team to be last in the NHL with 13 points in 20 games. Hell, the league absurdly gives you a point for losing in overtime and they can't even do that more than once. That 3-0 start provided a glimpse of the success this team is capable of producing. Now, one quarter into the season, hopes for the playoffs are already on life support.

So what's the problem?

First, let's list what isn't wrong:

1- Alex Ovechkin. In his third season this guy just keeps improving. On pace to score 53+ goals, this guy is dominating at both ends of the ice, dramatically improving his defensive coverage and ramping up his hitting. Unfortunately, he has accounted for 30 percent of the Caps' goals and is playing a burnout-beckoning 29+ minutes per game. The fact that the Caps haven't locked this guy up long-term is also a little scary. This should be a no-brainer. Now that Teddy L. has put all his marketing eggs in Ovie's basket he needs to pay the kid before he hits his restricted free agent summer. Somebody will break the bank with an offer too rich for Leonsis's AOL-sapped bottom line. Make no mistake-if Ovechkin leaves no amount of compensatory draft picks will fill the half of Verizon Center that isn't already empty for every game.

2- The Goaltending. While sketchy at times, the goaltending has been pretty solid overall. I don't love Brent Johnson as a backup and Kolzig has slipped a hair, however, in the high flying new NHL any GAA under 3.00 is fairly respectable.

3.- The Defense. It hasn't been great, but has improved markedly from the matadors the team was putting on ice the last few years.

Well, that leaves the problems. I'll keep the first two short: The new aquisitions are not paying off and nobody besides Ovie can find the back of the net. Michel Nylander has more wiggle than Rosie O'Donnell on a trampoline, but his dancing rarely results in shots on goal. I love what I've seen from Viktor Kozlov thus far-except when it comes to shooting the puck. He is a terrific passer, smooth skater, strong on the puck, but when it comes to shooting, pick your favorite sports cliche-"couldn't hit the side of a barn", "couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat"-you get the idea. Unfortunately, it's not just Kozlov. I've never seen a Caps team have so much trouble getting shots on goal. They zing wristers 6 inches wide of the post, bury snap shots into the goaltender's belly and blast one-time slapshots into skates and shinguards. Maybe the team misread the memo that said the league was considering making the goals wider. Not yet boys, not yet. (By the way, I hope that never happens.)

Finally, I think the Caps' biggest problem is the coach. I have been loathe to call for Glen Hanlon's head because he seems like a nice guy who played shepherd to a less than talented, floundering flock in the dark days following the gutting and fire sale of the Jagr era. However, for whatever reason, Hanlon is unable to push the right buttons now. Constant line juggling has afforded no time to create chemistry. In-game adjustments are one thing. Ovechkin playing at least a shift with every other forward is another altogether. When they were bad the last two years the Caps were known as a hard working team that was difficult to play against. Not anymore. The team's effort level waxes and wanes from period to period. Yet, I still don't think a new motivational voice is the biggest reason to dump Hanlon. After all, as Kolzig said, "How many times do you need to be shocked?".

The main reason for a change is that the Caps lack a dynamic, puck-moving system. Maybe because Hanlon was so adept at making things work with less talent, he is unable to adapt his system to accomodate playmakers. The formula has reversed itself and now he is turning the proverbial chicken salad back into something else.

The power play, which promised to be much better thanks to the aquisitions, has been anemic. There is no creativity as everyone stands around the umbrella waiting for Ovechkin to launch bombs from the point. Tired and predictable will not get the job done. As my friend Killer succinctly put it the other day-"Is Scotty Bowman still alive?" I can't stand Scotty Bowman, but don't forget, he actually raised a Stanley Cup in Verizon Center.

As Yogi Berra once said, "It's getting late early" If Teddy L. doesn't do something soon this season will crash and the Great 8 will walk right out of the red, white and blue leaving an empty shell at the corner of 7th and F streets.

15 Seconds of Fame.

Finally, acting ridiculous has paid off. A few friends and I attended the Caps-Lightning hockey game Saturday night. We had a fun, beer-soaked time, as usual, but this game was a bit sweeter for me thanks to being goofy and having a little good timing.

Because we felt the need to look like jackasses in addition to acting like ones, we decided to wear our hockey helmets to the game. (Safety first!) Little did I know that this decision would pay off literally.

As we were doing some pre-game souvenir shopping our group was approached by Sarah, a member of the Caps promotional staff. She was recruiting people to take part in one of the intermission contests and said she had followed us into the shop because she just new the helmet guys would be the perfect pick. I'm still not sure how, but I was selected from the group to take place in a fan announcer contest to take place after the first period.

Briefly, the contest would work like this: My fellow competitor and I would take turns doing play-by-play announcing for a short Capitals video highlight. We would be seen on the jumbotron scoreboard screen and heard over the PA system. The winner would be determined by audience applause. Reluctantly, I accepted the gig and headed to our seats. Sarah would come get me after the first period to take me down near the ice where the contest would take place.

I nervously spent the first period trying to tamp down the butterflies and deciding how I could be funny on the Jumbotron, oh, and watch part of the game, as well. We tried to find some funny things to work into my brief commentary. Wolske, ever the entrprenuer, jokingly lamented the fact that we had no time to get a sponsorship deal for the front of my helmet. We talked about how cool this was, but I decided that, though I didn't want it to happen, this moment would be even more legendary in our lore if I completely bombed during the contest.

After the period, Sarah escorted me to the lower level and it was time. Next thing I know, my competitor (Patrick, I think) and I are on the giant four-sided scoreboard hanging above center ice. I bet my mug on that screen made Ted Leonsis rethink his decision to put in that new high-definition video system. Fortunately, the other guy went first, so I got to see what I was up against. His performance left a little to be desired( I'm sure he was as nervous as I was) and he got little applause and even a few boos.

I took the mike and did my brief play-by-play, deciding to play it straight and not be real stupid about it. Though in the middle, in the way that your brain can process a thought instantaneously while you are doing something else, I decided to squeeze in a partial line from "Slapshot". I figured by saying that Kozlov "skated up the milky white ice" I would lose the contest, but at least I would have made my buddies laugh. Well, either lots of Slapshot fans thought it was funny or many people felt sorry for the "special" guy in the helmet because I received a fair bit of applause and won the contest. "Bryan Hailey, the pride of Salisbury, Maryland" as the Caps public address annoncer called me, was victorious. My prize? A new Caps jersey (retail price $115) autographed by a bunch of players.

The funniest part, however, was that I was recognized around the arena for the rest of the night. As I walked back to my seat I was greeted with lots of pointing and shouting.

"Hey, I voted for you man!"

"Weren't you the guy up on the screen?"

"Aren't you that guy ?"

I even got cheered by my section when I got back to my seats. It was all so stupid and silly that it was hilarious.

Because the Caps got waxed 5-2 and I have funny memories from lots of games we've attended, this was not the Best Game Ever, but it sure ranks up there. And, of course, we've decided that helmets are now mandatory game day attire.

While I failed to get a picture of me in my helmet, I did include some other pics from the evening.

Happy Halloween !

For those of you who always thought there was something a little "funny" about my brother-in-law.