The Future's So Bright...I Gotta Gouge Out My Eyeballs

We here at Hailey Industries have been keeping a secret: we have a time machine.  Now, don't get too excited.  Like the battle station this blog is named for, even when fully operational, our time machine has some limitations.  Chief among these is that the time machine restricts us from altering the era we visit.  We are only observers, able to view another time for better or worse.  Powerless to change anything, I am but a witness to history.  Unable to wait for Friday to arrive, we recently made our maiden voyage into the future to check out the Yuge-ly anticipated inauguration of one Donald J. Trump (speaking of for better or worse).  The following is a partial report of what we saw.  (Spoiler Alert:  It ain't like anything you've seen before!)

*President Trump was sworn in with his tiny left hand resting on a copy of The Art of the Deal.

*Mr. Trump was cordial to outgoing President Barack Obama, wishing him a quiet, happy retirement in his native Kenya.

*Of the roughly two thousand words in Mr. Trump's address, "great", "I', "bigly", and "believe me" were used the most.  Approximately seventy-three times each.

*President Trump announced his first infrastructure project, even before building The Wall, will be to guild every surface of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in an effort to make the "Gold House" feel more like home.

*Ben Carson slept through the entire affair. I think. It's really hard to tell when he's awake.

*In a stunning, but unsurprising breach of protocol, Mr. Trump strode across the dais and grabbed RBG right in her p*%$y, because, you know, that's what stars do.

*Mr. Trump repeatedly referred to the audience as "suckers."  It was unclear if he was speaking directly to his voters that think he cares about them, the people who are convinced not entering into a blind trust is okay, or both.

*Forget what the weather man says, there is a 100% chance of Golden Showers. 

*Mr. Trump interrupted his address only once to fire off a disparaging Tweet. Sad!

*Mike Pence came out of the closet.  (Just kidding.  Was checking to see if you were still paying attention.)

*Outdoor Venue= Extra Hairspray

*The address's main theme was, "America, you're hired!"  Not exactly, "Ask not what your country can do for you", but what exactly were you expecting?

*In the cool temperatures, Mr. Trump required an extra overcoat to better protect his thin skin. 

*Bad News/Good News: Time wise, this is the longest inaugural address in U.S. History.  Mostly because every couple sentences the President paused so Kellyanne Conway could translate what he really means "in his heart."

Enjoy the show, everybody! And don't bother asking if you can borrow our time machine.  After witnessing that debacle, we dismantled it.  Sometimes it is better not to know.