Follow the Nose! Ever Forward! 'Merica!

Alright, America, I'll do it.  As Republican Primary turmoil inches toward back-room panic, a brokered nominating convention seems increasingly possible.  Therefore, I stand ready  to step in and save  the Republican Party from itself.  With this awful roster of candidates, we can just fast forward to Cleveland in the Summer. (Incidentally, have you ever heard a more romantic phrase?)  We can have a few rounds of meaningless delegate votes for funsies before we get down to business. And that business is the business of moving America Ever Forward!  Nominate me and I will heal this party and sweep to victory in November.

That is some fancy talk, but what are your qualifications?

Here are but a few:
*I have been a Tea Partier for years. (My daughter throws delightful shindigs for me and her imaginary friends.)
*The only time I flip-flop is when on the beach.
*I have never had , and solemnly swear to never have, an abortion.
*I have lots of experience negotiating with the Chinese (food delivery guy).
*I have a firm grasp of the way government works after years of studying George Lucas' documentaries on the Imperial Senate and watching The West Wing in its entirety. (Twice!)
*I have more energy than Jeb, I am less smarmy than Ted "the next George Washington" Cruz, and I will never be accused of wearing a hair helmet. (In fact, look at my photo.  When was the last time you saw a candidate with a bad beard and rumpled red pants? I am the change you need America.)

Okay, so you seem at least as qualified as the current front-runner.  But what do you bring to the table?

I'm glad you asked. 

*At least four years of dad jokes. (Ex.- Winning in November will be no picnic, but I will not act like a hot dog beacuse I relish the opportunity to  ketchup in the polls so I may serve our great nation.)
*Guns for everyone! Especially the most demented and mentally challenged among us. I support the right to bear arms. And bare arms. Sun's out, guns out, amiright?
*Less of that hard, thinkin' stuff like healthcare reform and how to save Social Security and more meat and potatoes issues like making the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday.
*An executive order that states only Republican presidents may issue executive orders.

Well, your platform is no more shallow than the current front-runner's. Do you have any hats that say anything about making America Great Again?  Wait a minute...aren't you registered as an Independent?

Yes, but I see this as an opportunity.  An opportunity to bring me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it. (I thank you all.)  I see this as an opportunity to right the ship, to take back a party that for too long has spit in the face of moderates with its war mongering, world policing, free spending, Palin nominating , gay bashing, wall building disrespect for the center.  I see our opportunity to beat the other guys.  Feel the Bern? It sounds like we'll all have gonorrhea by 2017.  Mrs. Clinton?  A lady President?  Ewwww.   But we are not going to beat the left with the hobgoblin lineup you guys are trotting out there now. 

So, do what's right.  No more Trumper Tantrums, no more singing the Cruz blues, no more sleepy brain surgeons.  I'm here to help, so Follow the Nose.  There's a Hail-storm moving in, make sure you're on the right side of the umbrella, America. 

Hailey '16
Ever Forward!