Indiana Jones and the Grab for Cash

Far be it from me to tell Steven Spielberg how to shoot his new Indiana Jones movie, but if he asked my advice I would start with the following steps:

Step 1) Hire JJ Abrams
Step 2) Make this the first page of your script:

Fade in.

Int.  a small, quaintly decorated bedroom

Tight shot of a sleeping Indiana Jones.  Indy wakes, rolls over, and rousts a sleeping Marian
                         Indy:
You're never gonna believe the nightmare I just had.  We had a kid and there were swinging monkeys and aliens and a poorly drawn villian. It was awful!

                        Marian:
That sounds terrible.  Of course, we do have a son, you know.

Camera pans to a photo on the night stand, a family potrait of Indy, Marian, and son (Chris Pratt)

Cut to Indy with that famous lopsided grin

Cue first trumpet blares of iconic "Raiders March"

The news of Indy 5 did not fill me with the same delight that I felt at the announcement of The Force Awakens.  Star Wars is such a vast playground with nearly infinite possibilties for characters and settings.  Indy's world is far narrower.  Yes, Harrison Ford acquitted himself quite well in TFA.  But with Indiana Jones he is the WHOLE movie.  A Ford/Jones in his seventies has a lot less, how to put it nicely, range of motion.  Sure, we could have transition to a new main character.  However, the passing of the fedora is far more complex than with Star Wars.  Unless, of course, Indy's son finds an artifact, say an alien laser sword, you know, an elegant weapon from a more civilized age, that he uses to murder his father on a bridge.  Yes, I suppose that would be one way to do it.

I'd love to say I trust Spielberg enough to make something better than Crystal Skull.  I'd love to think Indiana Jones and Help I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up will be a palate cleanser capable of erasing Crystal Skull like TFA erased the prequels.  The problem is Spielberg likely doesn't think Skull is the dog turd it is.  The truth is it does not really matter if Indiana Jones and the Raiders on the Rascals needs to be made or not.  Spielberg knows he can mine Gen X for its nostalgia dollars.  Raiders of the Lost Ark is my second favorite movie of all time.  Like with TFA, I will be stoked to take my daughter to see an Indiana Jones movie in the theater.  Just like when Lady Ghostbusters  is released this summer, when Indiana Jones and the Early Bird Special hits theaters I will happily walk to the ticket window and say, "Please take my money!"