Of Politicians, Buffoons, & Jerks

America, we need to talk.  There is a great divide in this country that needs healing.  Opinions are strong, tensions are high.  Conversations, even among friends, simmer with contempt and distrust.  Half of our citizens, though well-meaning, do us a great disservice.    When I volunteered to step in as a savior candidate that can rescue the Republican party at a brokered nominating convention, I introduced myself with a short blog post knowing I would need to further flesh out my platform.  Today, for you America, I add another plank to that platform.  I am no ideologue, but on this particular issue I will not bow, for I know I am right.   No doubt, not everyone will agree with me, but America, I assure you my way is THE way.

This is an issue that strikes at the heart of the American family.  People are destroying a beloved institution.  A bedrock of family values is being undermined by folks who, apparently, don't know any better.  Now, I know I will never be considered a typical family values candidate by some.  I support gay marriage and adoption.  I support the further decriminalization of marijuana.  You see, while I am neither gay nor a pot smoker, I do know how to mind my own business. You wanna put your lips to a penis or a pipe, who am I to judge?  To each his own, except when the kids are involved. 

And that is where my next  platform plank comes in.  I have seen things.  I have visited business offices and school lunchrooms.  What have I seen that worries me so? Believe it or not, half of America does not know how to correctly make a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.  It's disgraceful.  Sure, you can half-ass it and leave your children sticky and gross.  Or you can do it the right way, the American Way, leaving your children fulfilled and ready to lead.  Yes, I have my preferences regarding bread choice and jelly selection (potato/strawberry jam), but this is more about technique: when making this American staple, the PB&J, one should always put peanut butter on both slices of bread.  This move seals the bread, locking in the jelly.   As one of my key advisers of the #EverForward movement says, you have to "make a pocket" for the jelly.  This Peanut Butter Pocket (copyright pending) protects the fingers of the wee ones from the evil forces of stickiness and soggy bread.  Think of the school children able to leave the cafeteria confident and ready to learn instead of embarrassed and smeared with Smucker's grape.  This is how we regain our edge, America!

I have heard (and dismissed) the rebuttals of my detractors.  They say my method uses too much peanut butter. I say There is no such thing.  They say doubling the peanut butter throws off the delicate ratio of PB to J. I say Making the pocket allows you to double down on delicious jelly.  They say if you eat fast enough the sandwich does not have time to get soggy.  I say Don't wolf your dinner down so quickly, lest you get a tummyache.  I say Be empathetic to the student whose lunch is smushed in his locker all morning.  I say Imagine yourself so distracted by a particularly compelling Wheel of Fortune puzzle that you ignore your sandwich until the bread IS soggy.  You'll thank me when you don't have to pry yourself out of the LazyBoy to wash your sticky fingers before Jeopardy starts.  They say I must be in the pocket of Big PB, taking money from Skippy or Jiff.  I say Check my records, I am only beholden to making America's sandwiches great again.

Vote for me, and together we will Save the Sandwiches!
#EverForward #MakeThePocket #SaveTheSandwich