I've Got Mail!

Ah, yes, can you smell the frozen vulcanized rubber in the air? With the NHL regular season in the rearview mirror, sixteen teams are about embark on a battle for the toughest trophy to win in all of sport, that cherished chalice, the Stanley Cup.  Pardon the hyperbole; I'm a bit excited to see if my Caps can make a serious postseason run.  To kill some time until Thursday's Game One with Columbus, I thought I would dip into the That's No Moon Mailbag and answer some real questions from actual Washington Capitals fans.

Hi Bryan, 
I'm having a hard time deciding what to do about a playoff beard this year.  The Caps have never won in any postseason when I have grown one, yet have also never won when I have forsaken the beard. It's almost as if my beard has no bearing on the outcome of a series. Advice?-Facial Dilemma in Fairfax

Thanks for the letter, Facial Dilemma. You've fallen into that old trap: thinking you matter.  We all twist ourselves into that logic pretzel of wondering had we done one little thing differently could we have prevented a devastating playoff loss. Aside from a trip to the Finals in 1998 fueled solely by my steadfast vow to eat a Royal Farms chicken salad sub prior to every playoff game, adhering to my superstitions has never helped. As for your beard, can you grow a robust chin jungle that would make Brent Burns proud? Or are you like me and look like a testosterone-deficient, scabies-suffering, low-level pot dealer being busted on COPS when you try to grow a beard? I trust you'll do the right thing.

Good morning B,
This team always drives me to drink by mid-May, so I decided to start early this year.  I'm drunk right now. Too soon?  - Hammered in Howard County.

Good morning Hammered,
To paraphrase the poetic duet performed by Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett, it's Game 7 somewhere.  So, no, it is never too early with this team.

Yo That's No Moon,
Grubie or Holtbeast, who ya got?- Crease Crisis in Crownsville

Crease, you raise the biggest question of the postseason. Barry Trotz's answer will likely define the remainder of his tenure in D.C.  Grubauer has been one of the best goaltenders in the league since January 1st, yet lacks extensive playoff experience.  Braden Holtby, while shaky, has played better of late, but has not been his dominant self.  Also, remember, Holtby is vastly more experienced, however, that experience totals up to a 19-20 career playoff record complete with the inability to make THE save to turn a game or series in the Caps' favor.  Given they are both somewhat beholden to the defense, or lack thereof, in front of them, I think I ride with Grubauer.  Having a Vezina Trophy winner on hand for emergencies sounds like an okay problem to have.  Then again, as esteemed American philosopher and playwright, John Madden,was fond of saying "If you have two quarterbacks, you don't any."

Bryan, I'm thinking of taking a vow of celibacy until Washington wins the Cup. Thoughts? - Blueballed in Bladensburg

Well, Blue, I hope you like Washington's radio announcers because you are likely to be blind by the time the Caps break their drought.

Hello Bryan,
TORTS IS A DOUCHE!!!!!
- Wound Up in Wheaton

*Duly noted*

Hi B, 
Penguins versus Flyers? Who the heck do I root for in that one? - Perplexed in Potomac

Perplexed, at first I thought this would be the toughest question to answer in the whole mailbag.  These two Patrick Division holdovers make my skin itch like no other teams.  I hate them with every fiber of my hockey fandom.  Each are reviled rivals whose fans, with the exception of an awesome few that I know, are just as loathsome.  Faced with this awful choice, I choose to root for D.  No, not defense.  In that series I root for Disease,  Diarrhea, and Dismemberment.  Never forget, Perplexed, those teams are animals and should be treated as such.

Hey Bryan,
As a long suffering Caps fan do you ever allow yourself to be a little optimistic? After two seasons of underachieving as favorites maybe Washington can fly under the radar without the burden of expectation.  They have played better and won more games in the regular season than any of us could have imagined.  The defense is improving. T.J. Oshie has bounced back from a slow start. Ovechkin is scoring. Kuzy is on fire.  Columbus is beatable.  The Pens and Flyers will beat the crap out of each other.  Dare I dream? - Amped in Adams Morgan

Wuher, do you wanna take this one?

"We don't serve your kind here."

Hey Beezer, 
When this inevitably goes South I'll need to place an internet order. Is there one "M" or two in Hemlock? -Kevin in Indiana

And that closes up the mailbag, folks. Enjoy Round One!