Vapid Vapers Voraciously Vaping

I am normally easygoing when it comes to people's hobbies.  After all, we all geek out about different things.  You play Dungeons and Dragons, I play fantasy football.  You like to cook, I like to eat.  You indulge in Guatemalan Midget Porn, I watch the news.  Same, but different. Who am I to say what's right? There are plenty of things I don't enjoy or "get" that I acknowledge are important to others: craft beer, Bronies, trying to make Quidditch an Olympic sport.  (Though, that last one is kinda ridiculous, right?  I love Star Wars, but you don't see me lobbying to race The Kessel Run in Rio in 2016.)  However, at the risk of upsetting the Hipster Army and getting beaten with fedoras and tins of artisanal moustache wax, I do have one hobby targeted squarely in my sights: Vaping.  I'm like a Victorian Englishwoman, all these vapers vaping their vapors are giving me the vapours.

Look, if you are using e-cigs as a transition to quit tobacco altogether, then I give you a pass; I don't consider you among this scourge upon humanity.  But if you picked up this adult pacifier, as my friend Elise calls it, because it's cooler than cigarettes or smells better then I simply don't understand you.  If you are a smoker, be a smoker.  Embrace it in all its nasty, stinking, yellow finger-tipped glory.  Wear that stale tobacco, we-just-spent-three-hours-in-a-bowling-alley, I-live-in-a-giant-ashtray stench like a badge.  Own it.  Take your smoke breaks, rail against being herded into designated areas to do your business, enjoy your passengers wondering if your car has exhaust leaking into the cabin.  Own it.  Don't be swayed by the shiny new technology, don't be wooed by exotic flavors.  Remember, there was a time when smoking didn't require extensive accessories.  Pop-pop's Zippo or Mom-mom's pleather cigarette case was all the accessory they needed; why are you being such a pretentious ass?  Who needs to fool with batteries, rebuildable atomizers or vape juice? (Which, by the way, is a term that, if I knew which authority to ask, I would request be stricken from the lexicon.  It sounds so oogy, like something vaguely associated with excitement below the belt.)  Keep smoking stinky and electronics-free.  Own it!

If you do bow to pop culture pressure and decide to vape, don't be surprised if people look at you funny.  Especially if you vape in an area that is off-limits to smokers.  Don't look so surprised when I ask you to not vape in my store.  Just because you enjoy it when your vape retailer helps you to encounter new flavors by blowing a vapor cloud from his mouth to your face (Gross, right?) doesn't mean the rest of us want your chicory-almond-lavender blend wafting  through our shared confined spaces.  Nothing screams, "Hey, look at me!", quite like somebody vaping in an elevator, office or retail store. (Except maybe someone linking to his blog on Facebook begging for "likes", but I digress.)  You can't browse for five minutes without a nicotine hit? Of course you can, but you don't.  Instead, you'd rather coolly prowl around like you are getting over on somebody, when really you just look like a douche.  If your oral fixation is so intense, may I suggest dabbling in Guatemalan Midget Porn?  Working with those little guys would have to be less embarrassing than pompously puffing away on your overpriced robot cigarette.