Thursday, August 23, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Fly Nemo Fly!
Last Saturday, Grace and I were having a rad father-daughter hang out day while Amanda worked. After we buzzed the Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru rocking out to Led Zeppelin, Grace threatened to ruin the mood by asking a question that I had secretly been dreading for some time. No, she didn't ask "Where do babies come from?" or "Could you please explain your curious affinity for Storage Wars?"
She made the perfectly reasonable request to fly her kite. That may not sound like a big deal to you, but I am something like the Chicago Cubs of kite flying. Even when things start out promising they usually end in disaster. Mostly, though, kites and I never sniff promising. Kite flying is the kind of activity that can stymie the technically-challenged. It requires intricate tasks like knot tying and uses intimidating words like "aerodynamics", "lift" and "Assembly Required". Knowing how to do stuff/fix things/put stuff together is a glaring hole in my Dad resume. (How can I teach Grace skills that I do not possess? I need to get learning.) I have previously documented my battles with machinery, but my fight with kites dates back even further, to childhood. Too much wind, not enough wind, bad equipment-my kite was less likely to get off the ground than John Madden after his third helping of Turducken. I also once, around age nine, got knocked down by a kite someone had left anchored unattended in the sand. The kite itself was high in the sky, out of my sightline, and the clear string was impossible to see as I ran across the beach. That string caught me across the throat, lifted me off my feet and slammed me down faster than a Hulk Hogan clothesline. Finally, Grace's kite expectations are likely inflated because most, if not all, of her kite experience is the sky carnival that the Kite Loft kite shop flies above their boardwalk shop.
Fortunately, BrainStormProducts LLC, manufacturer of our meager Finding Nemo kite made a kite that isidiot Bryan-proof. No knots to tie, minimal assembly, a cartoon clownfish and a sustained breeze made me look like a hero. Given Grace's reaction you would have thought I was Orville Wright. Shouts of "Yayyayyayayyay!" and "Fly Nemo Fly!" filled the playground. I think Grace even shouted too. Then she grabbed the string and took off running full speed, her hair flowing behind her in perfect time with the kite tails flapping fifty feet above. Of course, I was bored after about forty seconds. Then, staring up at the floating kite, she told me she wanted to hold my hand. So we stood hand in hand, wordlessly watching Nemo dance on the breeze and I suddenly wished the moment could last forty years. Perfect Saturday, and my love of kites, restored.
She made the perfectly reasonable request to fly her kite. That may not sound like a big deal to you, but I am something like the Chicago Cubs of kite flying. Even when things start out promising they usually end in disaster. Mostly, though, kites and I never sniff promising. Kite flying is the kind of activity that can stymie the technically-challenged. It requires intricate tasks like knot tying and uses intimidating words like "aerodynamics", "lift" and "Assembly Required". Knowing how to do stuff/fix things/put stuff together is a glaring hole in my Dad resume. (How can I teach Grace skills that I do not possess? I need to get learning.) I have previously documented my battles with machinery, but my fight with kites dates back even further, to childhood. Too much wind, not enough wind, bad equipment-my kite was less likely to get off the ground than John Madden after his third helping of Turducken. I also once, around age nine, got knocked down by a kite someone had left anchored unattended in the sand. The kite itself was high in the sky, out of my sightline, and the clear string was impossible to see as I ran across the beach. That string caught me across the throat, lifted me off my feet and slammed me down faster than a Hulk Hogan clothesline. Finally, Grace's kite expectations are likely inflated because most, if not all, of her kite experience is the sky carnival that the Kite Loft kite shop flies above their boardwalk shop.
Fortunately, BrainStormProducts LLC, manufacturer of our meager Finding Nemo kite made a kite that is
Monday, August 20, 2012
News Flash: Zoos Are Smelly, Water Is Wet and Tomatoes Taste Tomato-ey
Everything is bigger in Texas, especially the nerve of Jennelle Carrillo. This mental giant is suing the Dallas Cowboys because she severely burned her bum on a bench outside Cowboys Stadium. According to ESPN.com's story, "The suit alleges that Cowboys Stadium posted no warning signs alerting fans that the benches could be hot." I'm sorry that Ms Carrillo needed skin grafts after getting burned worse than the Cowboys' secondary, but did she really need a sign to know that a black marble bench setting in the August sun might be hot? (Sure, you can debate the wisdom of placing a black marble bench in direct sun, but I don't believe Jerry Jones is out to intentionally harm ticket holders. Unless, of course, the bench had a sign reading "Reserved for Redskins Fans Only".) My three-year-old figured out this mystifying "heat" concept the first time she grabbed a seat belt that had been hanging in the sunlight. Maybe I should have sued Honda instead of teaching Grace complex scientific notions like "absorption" and "hot sun". I tripped over the untied laces of my One Stars the other day; somebody get me the Converse lawyers on the phone!
I suppose Ms. Carrillo should be thankful she wasn't wearing what I believe is the customary daily attire of most Texans- assless chaps. Of course, if she had then she probably could sue Assless Chaps Inc. for failing to attach a tag reading, "Warning:these assless chaps are indeed assless." Even though I realize personal responsibility took a vacation long ago, this story pisses me off. This lady makes me wish tort reform would include getting beaten senseless if your lawsuit was deemed frivolous. Her lawyer, according to ESPN.com, told KDFW that Carrillo has suffered "mental anguish, physical pain and disfigurement as a result of her wounds." He, apparently, forgot to mention that these were self-inflicted wounds. The Cowboys' offensive line ought to be allowed to use Ms. Carrillo's lawyer as a tackling dummy. Only a greedy horse's ass would file this lawsuit. Texas hasn't seen an act this repugnant in the thirty years since J.R Ewing was last on television.
Wait, what? "Dallas" is on again? New episodes? Well, that's more preposterous than this lawsuit.
I know some of you are thinking that I wouldn't be writing this if it were a different team being sued. Trust me, I am a much bigger fan of common sense than of even the Dallas Cowboys. And remember, any attack on America's Team, is an attack on America, an attack on all of us.
[Dropping to one knee as two assistants drape me in the American flag to the fading strains of "Battle Hymn of the Republic"]
I suppose Ms. Carrillo should be thankful she wasn't wearing what I believe is the customary daily attire of most Texans- assless chaps. Of course, if she had then she probably could sue Assless Chaps Inc. for failing to attach a tag reading, "Warning:these assless chaps are indeed assless." Even though I realize personal responsibility took a vacation long ago, this story pisses me off. This lady makes me wish tort reform would include getting beaten senseless if your lawsuit was deemed frivolous. Her lawyer, according to ESPN.com, told KDFW that Carrillo has suffered "mental anguish, physical pain and disfigurement as a result of her wounds." He, apparently, forgot to mention that these were self-inflicted wounds. The Cowboys' offensive line ought to be allowed to use Ms. Carrillo's lawyer as a tackling dummy. Only a greedy horse's ass would file this lawsuit. Texas hasn't seen an act this repugnant in the thirty years since J.R Ewing was last on television.
Wait, what? "Dallas" is on again? New episodes? Well, that's more preposterous than this lawsuit.
I know some of you are thinking that I wouldn't be writing this if it were a different team being sued. Trust me, I am a much bigger fan of common sense than of even the Dallas Cowboys. And remember, any attack on America's Team, is an attack on America, an attack on all of us.
[Dropping to one knee as two assistants drape me in the American flag to the fading strains of "Battle Hymn of the Republic"]
Wednesday, August 08, 2012
The Top Ten Reasons My Wife Is Absolutely Awesome
It's unlikely I could successfully pen a romantic sonnet. No one wants to listen to any love song that I might compose. I don't have a nearby mountain from which to shout news I'd like to share. Instead I have scaled my keyboard so the entire Internet may hear me say, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMANDA. I LOVE YOU." But merely shouting in caps is not enough; please permit me, in the only way I know how (silly, with a dash of humor), to share the ways in which my wife is absolutely awesome. Now right about now, Amanda will be rolling her eyes or dismissively waving her hand. She, engaging in the contemplative self-assessment that often accompanies the occasion of a 29th birthday, will humbly downplay her awesomeness. But she would be wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. So, ladies and gentlemen, I hold here in my left hand, tonight's Top Ten List:
#10: She has embraced my crazy family and shared hers with me. Never underestimate how great it is to have terrific in-laws.
#9: She is one of the most caring people I know. Her generosity of spirit, sharing and caring in even small ways, is a valuable lesson for me.
#8: Two Words: Electric Smile
#7: She's funny. She can put me in my place with a witty retort and possesses the best quality a funny person can have- she is willing to laugh at herself.
#6: She has been my rock. Especially in the last 18 months when grief, and everything that goes into dealing with it, has intensified my anxieties.
#5: She wears her beauty with a natural ease. She's more stunning today than the day I met her. (And I was pretty stunned that day. Mostly stunned that a girl would talk to me, but, well...never mind.)
#4: She is the glue that holds our household together. Paying the bills on time, cleaning, seeking out and scheduling cool activities for Grace-she does it all. (For the record, I did manage to sign Grace up for swim lessons this summer. I know, right?! Of course, I did have to call the YMCA back to reschedule once Amanda pointed out I had signed up for the wrong class.)
#3: I'll say it- she's sexy. You wouldn't believe how potato peeler . . And that with the juggling corkscrew twist. I mean, who would have ever have thought turkey leg screen door? Mind blowing.
#2: She is a wonderful, loving mother who continually guides Grace down the right path. There is no more inexact science than parenting, yet Amanda dons her lab coat every day and ably navigates the challenges.
And the #1 reason my wife is absolutely awesome: She puts up with me. For this she deserves a medal. I come weighed down with idiosyncrasies, dopey ideas and flaws too numerous to list. But I am fortunate enough to have found and married my best friend who helps me bear the load.
I love you Amanda. Happy Birthday.
#10: She has embraced my crazy family and shared hers with me. Never underestimate how great it is to have terrific in-laws.
#9: She is one of the most caring people I know. Her generosity of spirit, sharing and caring in even small ways, is a valuable lesson for me.
#8: Two Words: Electric Smile
#7: She's funny. She can put me in my place with a witty retort and possesses the best quality a funny person can have- she is willing to laugh at herself.
#6: She has been my rock. Especially in the last 18 months when grief, and everything that goes into dealing with it, has intensified my anxieties.
#5: She wears her beauty with a natural ease. She's more stunning today than the day I met her. (And I was pretty stunned that day. Mostly stunned that a girl would talk to me, but, well...never mind.)
#4: She is the glue that holds our household together. Paying the bills on time, cleaning, seeking out and scheduling cool activities for Grace-she does it all. (For the record, I did manage to sign Grace up for swim lessons this summer. I know, right?! Of course, I did have to call the YMCA back to reschedule once Amanda pointed out I had signed up for the wrong class.)
#3: I'll say it- she's sexy. You wouldn't believe how potato peeler . . And that with the juggling corkscrew twist. I mean, who would have ever have thought turkey leg screen door? Mind blowing.
#2: She is a wonderful, loving mother who continually guides Grace down the right path. There is no more inexact science than parenting, yet Amanda dons her lab coat every day and ably navigates the challenges.
And the #1 reason my wife is absolutely awesome: She puts up with me. For this she deserves a medal. I come weighed down with idiosyncrasies, dopey ideas and flaws too numerous to list. But I am fortunate enough to have found and married my best friend who helps me bear the load.
I love you Amanda. Happy Birthday.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)