America, I believe the phrase you are looking for is "Viable Alternative." Sick of voting for the lesser of two evils, we seek another option. But who? Bernie's been beaten. The roster of Republicans was Shock and Awful. Gary Johnson is kinda boring. Jed Bartlett is a fictional character. (I know, it makes me sad, too.) I don't want to say I told you so, but I think it's time you get cozy with the truth. There is but one man for the job. He is thinner (barely) than Taft! He is more paranoid than Nixon! He can leap nothing in a single bound! It's a bird, it's a plane, it's ME! Search for your feelings,
If I criticize the current candidates for bashing others more than promoting themselves, then I guess I should lay out my platform. With a limited campaign budget, there will be no grandiose, bloated, arena-filling, televised convention. We'll probably just push together a few tables in the side room of the local Denny's. Until then you can read my platform planks. (Not including the plank the two-party system is currently forcing America to walk. Dad jokes!) I have previously told you here, here, and here a few reasons why I am this nation's next best chance. But I am not simply about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and foxy red pants. Here are a few more reasons:
*Love who you love. Marry who you want to marry. If you don't want to issue a marriage license to a couple of dudes, then you don't get to work for that part of the government. See you stocking my grocer's freezer, Kim Davis.
*Three words: Surgeon General Pikachu. That dude (dudette?) has done more for child fitness than anyone in the last forty years.
*Feel free to own a bazooka, but you can only buy it after passing a stricter (or any) background check. There's no reason you can't wait a couple weeks for ownership of your arsenal.
*There will be an official National Sandwich. I'm currently thinking cheesesteak, but am accepting suggestions.
*Smoke all the weed you'd like. In your own home. And don't drive under the influence. Pot is not for me, but if you want to sit in your underwear all day burning tree and gobbling Doritos, what do I care?
*Goodbye church tax breaks.
*Goodbye Pittsburgh Penguins.
*We're gonna shelve this drone program. We can not continue to indiscriminately drop bombs on innocent people. I read an interesting article questioning whether Turkey would be justified in sending a drone over Pennsylvania to kill the cleric they say fomented the recent coup attempt. Think about it, that is not much different than what we do.
*Dr Teeth and The Electric Mayhem will be my house band for all press conferences and televised addresses from the Oval Office.
(There's more, but the future First Lady and I need to put the kid to bed. Tweet me more potential platform planks @Hailey4America. Use #EverForward)
In conclusion, we have each candidate telling us why the other is bad instead of selling themselves. Why? Because they both stink. So, rather than holding YOUR nose in the voting booth this November, follow THE Nose. Write in The Big B. Write in me, Bryan Hailey. How could you possibly regret it?
#Hailey4America #EverForward #FollowTheNose