Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Giving Thanks.

To the ridiculous couple that brought their one year-old child to the theater to watch "Skyfall", I say: Thank you.

Thank you for reminding me that the world is still full of selfish assholes.
Thank you for setting up your baby station/refugee camp across four seats in my row.
Thank you for being impervious to my glares.
Thank you for reminding me I have work to do if I plan on winning Idiot Parent of the Year 2012.
Thank you for teaching me restraint.  I limited myself to a simple "Are you for real?" when I really
     wanted to punch your lights out.
Thank you for teaching your child to pipe up during every quiet moment of important conversation
     or dramatic tension.  That is real skill in a one year-old.
Thank you for not realizing that it may be difficult to wrestle a stroller up stadium theater stairs
Thank you for not thinking there was a chance your baby would cry as soon as the lights went down.
Thank you for making even more noise trying to shush the baby than the child was actually making
      on its own.  "Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba" is neither quiet, nor soothing.
Thank you for muttering in your native tongue while you loudly rustled through every bag you
     brought.  I don't speak your language, but even I know you can't find the bottle either.
Thank you for making my first child-free date night in a loooong time anything but child-free.
And by "Thank you" I, of course, mean "Screw you."

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