Yuck.

Tonight I found out that I have a higher quality TV set than I thought. I flipped past CNN Headline News long enough to see Glenn Beck interviewing Nancy Grace. I thought that potent a combo of annoying, self-righteous condascension would be enough to melt the studio, satellite, cable box and my TV. Bravo Sharp for building a TV that can withstand that unfortunate pairing.

Joe Photo

I have been having a lot of fun with my digital camera since purchasing it earlier this year. I finally decided to figure out how to upload the pics to my page. So, I'll probably throw post some now and again. They are by no means artistic, just stuff I find neat or fun.

Merry Christmas

A quick shout out to Baby Jesus , the real Reason for the Season. But there are other reasons to love the season. Among them:

Holding mistletoe over inapproriate body parts and hoping for the best.

Hearing words that , while perhaps not distinctly Christmas-y, are rarely used other times of the year- yule log, good tidings, jingle, manger, frankincense.

Watching the Chinese dudes sing "Deck the Halls" in A Christmas Story. Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra- ra-ra!

Counting your blessings, which this year include:

-My smart, talented wife Amanda

-A dedicated support network of family and friends (Some of whom even read this blog). I appreciate you all very much.

-A new job.

-Amanda and I have reconnected with old friends (Elisa, Jody and Matt and their families) and made new ones (Angela and her boys).

May you all have a warm and happy Christmas day.

Back Again.

I'm back from another out of town training gig, so here are a few notes from last week:

*Saw an ad for Daytona 500-Fragrance for Men. Because nothing is sexier than smelling like burnt tires and exhaust. I hope my stocking is stuffed with a few bottles (or maybe it comes in a gas can).

*While trying to kill some time by walking through the giant Towson Town Center mall, I passed a store called Leather Man. It took a large chunk of self control to not walk in and ask for Marv Gomez.

*Can we please put a toe tag on the latest incarnation of Family Feud? J. Peterman isn't awful (and he's way better than the wooden Richard Karn), but that show stinks overall. Bone-headed contestants, WWF-style fake posters planted in the audience and some bloody awful questions have made the show difficult to watch. Dispatch Awesome Dawson from the Game Show Hall Of Fame or put this thing on ice for good.

*While dozing in the hotel room, half-watching MSNBC I hear Keith Olbermann mention Wednesday's "Worst Person in the World" is from Salisbury, MD. With a cringe I sit up and listen how a middle school teacher made three students pee in a bottle in the back of class because they were not allowed to go the bathroom unattended and no one answered the teacher's call for an attendant. Wow. A soda bottle? Seriously? Drink it all in here. Now, I know that misbehaving kids caused the policy change and that teachers may have a tough call about who really has to go to the bathroom, but you CANNOT make kids piss in bottles in the back of the classroom. There is a time when common sense must outweigh policy. Hey, but any publicity is good publicity, right Salisbury?

*Finally, after two weeks on the road I realized how much I love being home. I couldn't travel routinely for a living. You spend a week immersed in someone else's environment. It's sort of surreal; everyone else is in their normal routine, but your life (besides work) is in a kind of suspended animation. I know some guys who enjoy it. Maybe they don't have wives to miss or don't miss their wives, but I wouldn't enjoy living out of a suitcase for extended periods of time. My sweet, beautiful wife makes home a fantastic place to be. Thank God she came along and rescued me from a life of solitude.

Quick Hits

I haven't posted lately because I have been out of town for a week training for My New Employer. I hope to post more regularly again shortly (when I'm settled into my new position). Until then here are some quick hits from the past few days:

I have never gotten into My Name Is Earl , but I watched this past Thursday's episode while in the hotel. Maybe it was five days on the road or the stuffy recycled hotel room air-I laughed my ass off. I think I am a convert. "To the Field of Rakes!"

Brief Movie Review #1:Before I left for my trip, My Wife and I caught Casino Royale. Bond is back, baby. Even though Connery sets the standard and I grew up with Roger Moore, I really liked Daniel Craig. He kicks butt, doing some action work that wouldn't have been believable with his predecessors. His Bond is both introspective and vulnerable, another departure from previous incarnations. Without giving away anything, know this- This movie has the best "hero climbs the side of the truck" scene since Raiders of the Lost Ark and some of the signature "Bond" elements are delivered in dynamite fashion.

Brief Movie Review #2: I thoroughly enjoyed Stranger Than Fiction. It is a little different than you might expect from the previews; it's more serious than I thought it would be. Wil Ferrell's understated performance grounded the movie letting Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson dive into funny, eccentric characters. Toss in the sweet performance of Maggie Gyllenhal and you've got a clever, character driven film.

Heads Up, Scrubs Fans.

Meant to post this reminder yesterday. The Scrubs season premeire is tonight at 9. The Office and Scrubs back-to-back should give The O'Reilly Factor a run for its money as the funniest hour on TV.

It's Those Damn Tuna Flavored Wet Suits.

Sea World Trainer Held Underwater By Killer Whale

I was glad to read he is okay. These animals, trainers and shows are amazing.

Forecasters and Floozies.

This post is probably as predictable as the panicked preseason predictions were, but I don't care. Huuricane season ends today with a whisper. I want all the talking heads who breathlessly warned of an apocalyptic season in the spring to be on TV today telling us how wrong they were. Today, these experts look dumber than that trinity of tasteless party girls-Britney, Paris and Lindsay- that has been flaunting it for the tabloids for the last week. A quick aside to these girls: If you know the paparazzi is stalking you, trying to shoot an embarassing photo, maybe you should wear panties when you step out of a car wearing a dress. That way I don't have to navigate articles about, and photos of, your exposed, naked private parts everytime I log onto the internet. To steal from Dean Wormer-Pantiless, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.

Anyway, these hurricane forecasters have to be the luckiest SOBs on the planet. Only baseball hitters can fail this much and get paid. As my friend Killer likes to say, he would be fired if he screwed up as much as weathermen. I know, Iknow they are only giving predictions. But these predictions are supposedly based on a wealth of data. After their dire, worse-than-Katrina forecasts, to see a season where not one single named storm sniffed the US mainland is ridiculous. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad they were wrong and coastlines were spared. I just wish they would keep the Hype Machine in the box until it is truly warranted. Yeah, right. It's more likely that Britney Spears will win Mother of the Year.

Hurtful? Yes. Lawsuit-Worthy? No Way.

I was angered, but not surprised, by Tucker Carlson's interview with Gloria Alred on his MSNBC show Monday afternoon. Alred is the attorney representing the two men insulted by actor Michael "Apparently I'm Only Funny As Kramer" Richards during his stand-up act 2+ weeks ago. Alred's clients are contemplating suing Richards for monetary damages. She suggested that the two men and Richards plead their case before a retired judge who would then make a recomendation to Alred on the viability of a lawsuit. What?

Look, I in no way endorse what Richards said or did. It was racist, indecent behavior that shouldn't happen. I'm sure the men were hurt, angered, disgusted, embarassed and humiliated. But somebody needs to explain to me, better than Miss Alred did, why these men deserve money. If they want to find Richards and punch him the mouth, I've got no beef with that. If they want to hang HIM upside down with a fork stuck up HIS ass, I'm fine with that, too. But, they do not deserve $$$. Miss Alred could not justify her stance in the face of Tucker's questioning. Perhaps, because there is no reasonable basis for a suit.

This case could be landmark, though. Maybe if somebody on the street calls me fat ass, I can track them down and sue them for damages. Oh wait, I have a better idea. Attention (soon to be former) friends and hockey buddies: I have decided that I was hurt everytime you insulted me by pointing out that I have a big nose. So be forewarned, if you ever called me Toucan, Noseboy, Pizza,Pizza (think about the Little Caesar's mascot) or Nose-tradamus, you will be hearing from my attorney. Paging Gloria Alred...

Mr. No-Glass

I haven't posted as much as I would have liked lately because of time constraints. My days have been filled with Thanksgiving visiting and training with my new company. That's right, folks, a new job! For those of you who don't know ( and for those I didn't tell personally, I apologize ) My Former Employer did for me what I hadn't done for myself by laying me off in late October. Once I recovered from the sting of being let go I actually enjoyed what turned into essentially a four week vacation. Now My New Employer, who I'll decline to name in this public forum, has rescued me from the worry and anxiety of an extended period of unemployment. Thus far, I like my new post with My New Employer and have high hopes for the future. Stay tuned.

Mint-y Fresh

WooHoo! The US Mint is releasing new $1 coins with redesigned Presidents' heads. Mint Director Edmund C. Hoy, during the unveiling of the first four coins in the series, said "Having lettering on the edge gives each coin a very modern, kind of hip and cool look." Really? First of all, when have coins ever been hip and cool? Beyond having a pocketful of them, raise your hand if you give a damn about coins. Following the fabulous success of using Susan B. Anthony and Sacajawea to adorn coins, I can't believe these guys really think dollar coins will catch on now. In an era when people increasingly swipe their plastic for even tiny purchases, how "modern" is a coin? Except for the lemmings who wanted to inspect my change for new state quarters every time I purchased a canned soda, I don't see the appeal. But if you do find it appealing, grab your commemorative pleather 43 slot dollar coin holder and get all the hip and cool details here.

The Curse Continues.

Sometimes when dealing with a PR nightmare, the best move is to simply keep your mouth shut. Somebody should have given Michael Richards that advice. I don't know if the man is racist or if he is truly sorry for his tasteless rant from the weekend. What I do know is that his disjointed apology on Letterman Monday night did him no favors. A coherent written statement probably would have been a better move than that awkward seven minutes beamed into The Ed Sullivan Theater via satellite.

I will give him credit for not using the celebs' excuse du jour of blaming the episode on being drunk and immediately checking into rehab. I just think if he wanted to aplogize he could have picked a better forum. Letterman was clearly uncomfortable and the audience really didn't know what to do, sometimes chuckling awkwardly. Weird.

Now I Can Cross-Promote And Have Blog Synergy

I've created a new page that I will devote entirely to sports talk. I'll be discussing the hot issues, breaking down the games and rehashing fan memories. I believe the countless hours I have spent attending games, reading the sports page and digesting games on TV and radio have prepared me. Facewash is now up and running. Hopefully, I'll be able to entertain and inform. Sort of like a cyberspace sports bar, full of good-natured arguments and cheers. Tune in, if you please.

Best of the B-List

After Roberto posted about his crush on Amy Sedaris and after I learned that Wolske shares my admiration for sweet, sweet Lindsay Czarniak, I decided it was time to publish my list. You see, I have mentally compiled a list of TV/movie personalities that I find, let's see how shall I say it, incredibly watchable. There is just something about them that makes you want to tune in. The other thing you'll notice about the list is that none of the ladies who appear on it are superstars. They fly under the radar , B-list beauties, if you will. Everybody knows Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansen and Jessica Alba; my list digs a little deeper. So, with apologies to my wife(who, in my eyes, is the hottest woman on the planet) , I present a list that is very easy on the eyes:

Lauren Graham - The term "MILF" may be crude and out of date, but it perfectly suits Graham's character on the Gilmore Girls. We watch it because it's a funny, sharply written show, but with her as the star I'd watch even if they spoke Chinese.

Fox's Pam Oliver and ESPN's Erin Andrews - Two of the best in the biz. (Although, I do think sideline reporters, male or female, are essentially a useless part of any game broadcast.)

Mary Louise Parker - Sexy, saucy and a dry delivery that's funny as hell.

MSNBC's trio of talking heads Chris Jansing , Alison Stewart and Amy Robach make the bad news so much better.

SNL's Amy Poehler - Funny as hell. Enough said.

Rashida Jones - Exhibit A for the argument that famous people should mate with other famous people. (She's the daughter of Quincy Jones and Peggy Lipton.)

The Wreckers - This country duo, singers Michelle Branch and Jessica Harp, is a recent addition to the list thanks to Imus in the Morning.

Inbox Theatre

Because I have a little too much time on my hands I decided to write a short scene in which the entire dialogue consists of subject lines from my email inbox. Finally, a use for spam.
Setting-Any street corner:

"Hi, friend."

"Yo."

"Want to be a hero in bed?"

"It is finally time."

"Looking for medications?"

Shrugs shoulders. "Don't know where to buy pills."

"It is no wonder your girlfriend is very angry. Are you ready?"

"Dear sir, I am interested in it."

"It is fully guaranteed to make you shoot more and more."

Incredulously: "Feet?"

"It is possible today with excellent formula." Hands him pill bottle.

"Is this it?"

Nods knowingly. "Buy it now and this night will be the best of your life."

Star Wars ! What really happened after the Deathstar blew up

I always forget to watch Robot Chicken, so those of you that do have probably already seen this. it cracked me up, though.

Why I Wear My "I Voted" Sticker With Pride.

In the midst of a season of clashing agendas and unsavory mudslinging, I took time yesterday to reflect upon how fortunate I feel to live in a nation where my voice and its echoes can be heard. Forget for a moment the corruption, the numbers, the animosity. Instead, focus on the priceless gift of representation our forefathers bestowed upon us. We must never squander this favor; too many voices across the globe fall upon deaf ears. Whether ardently defending current policies or desperately seeking a new bearing, it is our responsibility as Americans to shout out, through cast ballots, our ambitions and aspirations. Like every election day, yesterday provided confirmation that the process, however ugly at times, is necessary and just. From a young local candidate warmly greeting voters on a gloomy day to a faithful statesman's dignified concession, yesterday renewed my faith that America, despite her foibles and missteps, will remain a shining beacon of promise.

Hero, On And Off The Court

It is hard to believe that it was fifteen years ago today that Magic Johnson announced that he was retiring from the NBA because he had contracted HIV. Besides making me feel old, this anniversary reminds me how far we have come in terms of AIDS awareness and education. Not many people who heard Magic's news that day figured he would be alive today. As a society we were ignorant about this awful disease. Magic's tragedy brought the disease towards the mainstream. Magic was a healthy, heterosexual man who contracted HIV through unprotected sex with a woman. It didn't immediately break down barriers; I remember headlines and whispers wondering if Magic was gay. After all, he had kissed Isaiah Thomas on the cheek during the Finals, hadn't he? Fortunately, most of America has come to grips with the facts that being gay isn't the end of the world and that HIV/AIDS is indiscriminate in who it destroys. Ultimately, Johnson's story taught not only that HIV wasn't just a gay man's disease, but that it wasn't spread through casual contact. Players, some reluctantly, played alongside Magic during his brief return to basketball, acknowledging that it was safe to bump into or trade sweat with him. This may seem absurd now, but back then it was a genuine concern of those who were uneducated about the disease.

Of course, Magic's tale is not over; who knows what his future holds. He has been fortunate that he can afford the best medical attention and drugs available. Not everyone has that chance. But on that November afternoon fifteen years ago few gave Magic a chance either. Conventional wisdom said that he'd likely develop AIDS and die before the turn of the century. Hopefully, people will continue to learn from Magic Johnson's experience. Far too many Americans are still contracting the disease. The education movement that was bolstered by Johnson's admission must continue.

Earvin "Magic" Johnson was an amazing basketball player and has been a champion of the community as an entreprenuer and supporter of black businesses. However, his most important and lasting legacy was likely written when he stepped to the podium those many Novembers ago.

With Zero Precincts Reporting...

A few brief notes and questions on election day:

Has anybody else noticed that at every photo-op lately PA Sen. Rick Santorum has had that Phil Mickelson, bemused, "I may be a little medicated" smile plastered on his face? On the whole, I like Santorum ( I especially applaud his Autism research bill), but lately he has looked like a beaten man.

Am I naive to put my faith in electronic voting machines? I have read about the risks and some of the lab tests proving hacker accessibility, but most of us trust our lives to similar technology everyday. ATMs, credit card swipes and the internet all have dangers that we ignore.

Irrelevant, but neat- On the eve of Election Day, the Capitals defeated the Senators in NHL action last night.

I'd like to thank Bob and Kendall Erlich, Martin O'Malley and the host of other candidates who have jammed my voicemail box in recent weeks. Your "personal" messages have been sweet, but really, you shouldn't have. Also, your colorful signs have really added beauty to the landscape.

I suppose facing the gallows will make any man change his tune. Saddam Hussein now calls for reconciliation among Iraqi citizens-"I call on all Iraqis, Arabs and Kurds, to forgive, reconcile and shake hands," Saddam said. Why don't you do us all a favor and go shake hands with Allah, ass.

Finally, as always, If you don't vote today, don't bitch about the results tomorrow.

See This Movie.

Do yourself a favor, see the Borat movie. But wear a diaper because this movie is piss-your-pants funny. I haven't laughed that hard out loud in a movie theater since they brought out the gimp in Pulp Fiction. I'm going to have to find Da Ali G Show on DVD because I want to see what else Sacha Baron Cohen has done. In this mockumentary he doesn't just ignore political correctness, he shatters it with a hammer. It may be at the expense of all ethnic group, feminists and the eldery, but it's funny as hell.

Similar to the interviews on The Daily Show, it is sometimes difficult to tell who is in on the joke and who isn't. While it is obvious that some of the situations are completely scripted, some of the people he messes with appear to not realize they are being had. It doesn't matter if it was scripted to the letter, though, because it is funny either way. From Borat's naive cluelessness to dozens of sight gags this movie kicks ass.

As a side note, most of the interviews "Borat" has done to promote the movie have been funny also. It amazes me that Cohen is able to keep a straight face, not breaking character at all.

Glad I Stumbled Onto This.

Sometimes I'll click on Blogger's list of updated blogs to see what others are posting about. I often pick names that sound catchy or interesting only to be dissapointed when they are advertising disguised as a blog. Today, however, I hit the jackpot, though not directly. I clicked on Heaven Nose which turns out to be a blog that reviews other blogs. It is mildly entertaining because it appears that you can request them to review your page (And based on some of the disparaging reviews I read, I'll bet some requesters probably immediately regret that move.) Anyway, I'm getting off track.

In reviewing some lame blog, Heaven Nose compared it to another blog- Dooce. Dooce is a long running tale of a wife and mother who was fired from her job for blogging about work. She got the last laugh, however, because her site is now so popular that her ad revenue pays enough for her and her husband to do nothing but run her blog. This lady, Heather Armstrong, hilariously writes about all aspects of her life; I really can't do it justice here. If you enjoy funny, witty, sarcastic,"real life splayed out for everyone to see" posts, please check it out. She's got a very cool writing style. I'm going to plop it in my links and I will become a daily reader. She was recently profiled in a Salt Lake City Tribune article that you can find here. Enjoy.

Ice, Ice Baby.

Today, I went ice skating for the first time since my surgery. The doctor has cleared me to do as much physical activity as I feel comfortable. I've played some relatively pain free basketball, but I've been real anxious to return to the ice. I skated for about 45 minutes, feeling pretty good. However, the knee still lacks strength and stability, especially when it was the "under" leg on crossovers. There will definitely be no hockey in my immediate future. And this served as final confirmation that I was not secretly given a bionic knee as I had hoped. Instead of bigger, faster, stronger, I am only bigger than the last time I skated.

The good news is I survived the 45 minutes mostly unscathed. No falls, no bumps, no heart attack. The only damage is the lingering soreness that accompanies using muscles that are only used during skating and acrobatic sex. So, I've heard. Okay, I have to go now.

Tom Landry, Where Are You?

From the completely frivolous complaint file:

Let me start by saying that anybody, including NFL coaches, should have the right to wear anything they want. Having said that, Patriots coach Bill Belichick took football coach fashion to a new low Monday night. Belichik looked like he went straight from the shelter to the sideline, wearing a sweatshirt with cut-off sleeves and a ragged, frayed collar. This doesn't make him a bad coach, obviously his record proves just the opposite. I'm not opposed to a guy being comfortable and Belichick is hardly the only NFL coach who wears a sweatshirt or T-shirt on gameday. He is, however, the only one who wears a sweatshirt so damaged that if you replaced the Pats logo with "COLLEGE", you might confuse him with John Belushi's Animal House frat slob.

I miss the era where NFL coaches traded the sweats for suits on Sunday. Tom Landry, Vince Lombardi, Hank Stram, may they all rest in peace, exuded class and excellence. It might be tough for Belichick to squeeze a head set over a fedora, but he could at least wear something a little nicer than wind pants. I also find it hard to believe that a league that regulates everything from the length of a players uniform towel to the color of his shoe tape hasn't weighed in yet. I suppose maybe they are working on the licensing rights to the Bill Belichick Sideline Tank Top.

Oh, well. At least football coaches don't wear game uniforms like those goofy old baseball managers. Andy Reid or Bill Parcells in tight pants? No thank you.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

When will these dopey politicians learn?

John Kerry created a firestorm for no reason by trying to crack a stupid joke, saying at a Democratic rally on Monday: “You know education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.”

Obviously, today's military isn't a last resort catch-all for losers and dummies. This isn't the movie "Stripes". Today's volunteer armed forces, especially since 9/11, are loaded with college graduates and plenty of intelligent people that have other options. John Kerry knows this. The GOP knows John Kerry knows this. That's why this whole dust-up is ridiculous. The Republican attacks on John Kerry were excessive as was Kerry's retort. Let's all grow up. No intelligent voter is going to be distacted from the real issues by this story, so let's drop it. This is simply what happens when unfunny, message-programmed politicians try to be funny by going off script. Of course, in this era of sound bite journalism this often backfires. Leave the jokes to the comedians.

The Fungus Among Us.

I don't think anyone would ever accuse me of being a tree-hugger, but I like to think of myself as a friend of the animals( and not in any "I was helping the sheep over the fence kind of way, you sickos.). I thought this Washington Post article about endangered frogs living in Panama was pretty neat. It reports on the massive conservation effort to save several species from a deadly fungus. But it also raises the ethical dilemmas of whether we should use extreme means to save the species and what we do with them once we do protect them.

Thou Shalt Not Be Late For Mass.

So, I went to mass Sunday morning- Oh, I'm sorry, we're going to have to take a brief timeout until my parents regain their senses- Okay, here we go. Anyway, it felt good to attend mass. I tend to think you can be religious and have a relationship with God without walking into his building every Sunday, but this weekend I just felt it was something I wanted to do. After attending, I can't decide if I'm not ready to go back or if I need to attend three times a week. You see I know all the Christian teachings- Love thy neighbor. Turn the other cheek. Forgive them for they know not what they do. Be kind, Rewind. And I ignored all of them as I composed this mini-rant right there in my pew:

What happened to common courtesy? Is it too much to ask that people show up before mass starts? Maybe I don't want you and your kids climbing past me while I'm in a moment of prayer or quiet reflection.(Some of you are checking to see if you're at the right blog, aren't you?) Some ten to fifteen minutes into mass people were still pushing there ways into pews disturbing me and others as we tried to hear a reading. I suppose I could solve this problem by sitting in the middle of the pew when I arrive early or on time. But then the late arrivers win and I can't have that.

Of, course it's not just late arrivals. Before mass started the song leader asked that all cell phones be turned off. What a shame that we must be reminded of such. Personally, I would have preferred no announcement and then watch God smite the offender with a lightning bolt when the damn phone rang in the middle of the homily.

Perhaps I am making a mountain of a molehill. Perhaps? Still, to me, church is still one of those places where I should be able to expect quiet, courtesy, decency and a whole host of other things that are in precious short supply these days. So, this Sunday I'll give turning the other cheek a shot when mass is disturbed or when I get cutoff in the church parking lot.

Wait, did I just commit to going to mass again this week? Ah, nuts.

"They out-everything'd us."

While not grammatically successful, Cowboys coach Bill Parcells' assessment of his team's Monday night performance is accurate. The New York Giants whipped the Boys in every aspect of the game on their way to a 36-22 victory. A quick breakdown of the Cowboys many breakdowns-

The defense hadn't yielded a hundred yard rushing game all season, yet on Monday Tiki Barber was as unstoppable as Dennis Hastert at an all-you-can-eat buffett. The Giants stitched together a couple long, clock-eating drives that would make any offense envious. I've seen more defense played at an NHL All-Star game.

Terrell Owens (Yes, I know he had a touchdown.) came up short when they needed him most. On a fourth-and-2 at the Giants' 30-yd line he dropped a pass that not only would have extended a crucial drive, but probably would have also broken for a much longer gain. If fans are to put up with his "look at me" hijinks, he must make that conversion.

The matador offensive line continues to be weak. Their blocking helped Julius Jones rush 13 times for 30 yards. Pathetic. Drew Bledsoe was under seige for the entire half that he played. I know Bledsoe is nearly as immobile as a coma patient, but two of the sacks he suffered, including the safety, were by defenders who were completely untouched by a lineman.

It wasn't the sacks, however, that got Bledsoe pulled. He, and backup Tony Romo, made some of the dumbest decisions I have ever seen on a football field. Bledsoe's goal line pick at the end of the first half was atrocious. The team has a great shot at seven points, but has to at least come away with three at that point. The only way to not come away with three is to make a stupid, brain cramp turnover. Oops. Then Romo-ron comes in and gets lit up for three picks. Two of the balls should never have been thrown and the third was so poor that the defender was so open that he went 96 yards the other way for a touchdown. Someone should remind Romo that those numbers don't count in his offensive statistics.

Finally, I have a big beef with the Big Tuna. The "legendary" Parcells felt deperate enough to insert Romo for Bledsoe at the start of the second half. Maybe he was trying to spark his team, maybe Romo is his guy for the rest of the year. Either way, whatever momentum he was searching for was destroyed when Romo threw that disastrous pick on his first play from scrimmage. As John Madden has said, if you have two quarterbacks, you really don't have any. Parcells may have lost this team for good. They now stand 3-3 with three straight road games next including games at talented Carolina and rival Washington. They return home from the roadie for a date with the currently undefeated Colts.

This team has plenty of time to turn the season into a success, I'm just not sure time is all they need.

"Oh, what a night, late October, 1995..."

I was cracking myself up this morning reliving some old memories on this, the 11th anniversary of one of the best and worst nights of my life. For those that were there-you're welcome for what are likely life-long memories. For those that weren't- I won't give you the gruesome details, but I will share a few life lessons learned that night.

#1- Nickel Draft Night + 21st Birthday = Bad News (In the form of Gastrointestinal Disaster)

#2- If you do choose to combine Nickel Draft Night and your 21st Birthday, don't eat the nachos.

#3- Ten people smoking cheap cigars just to piss off the patrons of a crowded bar, that's funny. (Although, this is probably now illegal in the state of Maryland. Bummer.)

#4- If you can no longer feel your fingers and toes, stop drinking. Unless another stranger buys you yet another birthday shot.

#5-It is perfectly acceptable, if after puking in public, to have your friends shove you out the bar's back door and into a waiting car Secret Service-style.

"Killer I think I need to go to the ba- bleech..."

Tigers In Series? I Can Do That.

A funny thing happened on the way to this October's Subway Series. The Detroit Tigers bounced the Yankees and A's and now await a World Series opponent. The Tigers, who lost an absurd 119 games three seasons ago and lost 91 last season, have nearly reached the pinnacle of their sport. I know they haven't won it all yet, but who thinks their roll is over? They won seven games in ten days, powered by timely hitting, 100+ mph fastballs and knee-buckling curve balls. My one true World Series wish is that at least one octopus flies from the bleachers to the field at Comerica Park. But I digress; this post isn't really about baseball. It's about me. You see, I wanna be the Detroit Tigers.

Stay with me here. I want to steal the formula that the Tigers used to leap from worst to first. For too long, I have been a moribund franchise. For ten long years I have grown fat and sloppy, stagnant and lazy, physically, mentally and spiritually. I sleepwalk through life while the vampire that is my career ( or lack thereof ) slowly drains my soul. Therefore, I resolve to make changes and I'm going to do it The Tiger Way:

Like Detroit, I already have a loyal fan base. Amanda, family and friends serve as all the support network a guy could need.

The Tigers built a winner by patiently nurturing their young talent, allowing it to percolate and improve over the last few years. I'd like to think I have a little talent for this writing thing (at least teachers , professors and writing instuctors have told me so). So, now it is time to cultivate it. It's time to put pen to paper and punch out articles and stories in the name of growth and development. There is no excuse for me not entering the numerous short story contests that exist.

Break out the cliches- I must "put my nose to the grindstone"(I hope it's a big grindstone), "nothing worth anything comes easy", "you make your own luck", etc. These are cheesy examples, but the truth is there is no substitute for hard work. To paraphrase Tiger manager Jim Leyland talking about centerfielder Curtis Granderson-" He may not be a superstar, he might someday, but he maximizes every bit of talent that he has." It's time for me to work hard and maximize whatever abilties I possess.

Finally, I need to find the confidence. The Tigers confidence is instilled by Leyland, a smart manager who makes all the correct moves, and their veteran leadership. My confidence must come from within. I need to to just say "F*** it" and cut loose.

So, with that I challenge myself to be better in all aspects of my life. Just as all baseball clubs preach in February-Hope springs eternal. Today is my day that pitchers and catchers report. Today I begin anew my journey towards success and contentment. You are all welcome to come along for the ride.

"Where's the Funny?" and Other Lingering Questions.

A few tidbits that I've been pondering over the past couple of postless weeks:

Will Saturday Night Live ever be funny again? Two weeks in and I've barely mustered a chuckle. The pared down cast was supposed to weed out the waste (Although I do miss Rachel Dratch, the other three outcasts-Finesse Mitchell, Horatio Sanz and Chris Parnell are not missed at all.), but it has been incredibly unfunny. The sketches have simply been boring. Speaking of boring, Studio 60 has been a complete bust in my mind. I have laughed a bit, however, the show lacks the heart that Aaron Sorkin's other projects, SportsNight and The West Wing possessed. Smarmy people pretending to be funny is not funny. It would also help if the comedy sketches in the fictional comedy show-within-the-show were funny. Anyway, I'm not ready to give up on it, but it needs to kick into gear soon. Tina Fey's show-within-a-show, debuting this week, may be our last shot at some skecth comedy comedy this season.


Don't the people in the Philadelphia Eagles organization who are ripping Terrell Owens for ruining their team realize that they did that to themselves? Despite seeing what a bad teammate and person he was in San Francisco, the Eagles fell all over themselves to get this guy. It is revisionist history to say they were surprised by how his tenure ended. Shame on the Dallas Cowboys for falling into the same trap this season. No matter his on-field talents, his off-field turbulence is a cancer that can destroy any team.

Attended the Caps home opener Saturday. High times as the Caps punished the defending Stanley Cup champ Hurricanes behind outstanding performances from the two Alexanders. My only minor beef? Can't we come up with a catchier season slogan than - Caps Hockey. See it. Feel it. ? Owner Ted Leonsis is supposedly a marketing genius. I think a 5th grade class could come up with something less generic. Over the course of the game and a few beers, Killer, Wolske and I came up with a few marketing slogans (most of which had to do with the unfortunate last name of right wing and budding superstar Alexander Semin). The best, hands down, from the brain of Mr. Wolske: "Ovechkin-Russian for Fuckin-a."


Think those baseball Hall of Fame voters who left Negro League legend Buck O'neill one vote short of election in June don't feel ashamed right now? It's been announced that he'll be enshrined post-humously. What an indignity for one of the great caretakers of the game.


Finally, I danced a jig this weekend with my fellow Yankee haters. Good riddance! Nice work, A-Rod! Fire Torre! Wait, fire Torre? The man has made the playoffs in all eleven seasons he's coached the Yanks. He restored them to prominence after Big Stein nearly detroyed them. He won four rings in eleven seasons, which is about as good as it gets unless your name is John Wooden or Red Auerbach. And I think this season may have been Torre's finest season yet. He dealt with the loss of Matsui and Sheffield and a sub-par year from A-Rod. If Torre could pitch they'd have been just fine. Now that he hasn't won a World Series in a whole six years, Torre is on the hot seat. O's fans would kill to have such problems. Of course, as I'm writing this I hear that today is the tenth anniversary of the Jeffrey Maier/Rich Garcia debacle. If not for those two asses the last decade of the O's-Yanks rivalry might look a whole lot different. Excuse me while I go stick another needle in my Derek Jeter voodoo doll.

Back For Your Dining And Dancing Pleasure.

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I've been distracted by real life which can be a terrible intrusion sometimes. I've lacked imagination and inspiration as I've sleepwalked through the last couple of weeks; when I have had ideas I've had neither the energy, nor desire to peck away at the keyboard. However, I've got the brain juices flowing again, so if you enjoy meaningless fluff and sports gibberish this is still your place to find it. Stay tuned.

Is It RED October Yet?

More From Dirtbag Domi.

Don't get me wrong, Ulf Samuelsson is a punk too, but this cheap shot stuff is for the birds. (Unless we're talking Dale Hunter's after-the-whistle hit from behind on an unsuspecting Pierre Turgeon which, hypocritically, is okay. Just kidding.)

Now He Has Time To Fight All The Fans.

Two things to look and listen for in the video:Can't get enough of seeing Darcy Tucker laid out on the ice and listen to the homer Leaf annoncers trash the Philly fan. Hilarious.

Nostalgic For Some Orioles' Magic.

Rob recently posted about his wistful memories of the 70's and 80's and today, by complete chance, I embarked on my own little one-legged hobble down memory lane. Flipping channels on my lunch break, I stumbled upon the Mid Atlantic Sports Network ( a recent fine addition to the Comcast Lineup). Apparently they fill dead afternoon air with rebroadcasts of old Orioles games packaged as "Orioles Classics". I was hooked the second I saw that cartoon bird on the helmet. This particular game was played on August 8th, 1986. You see, even though the O's were pretty pathetic in the late 80's, these were the years that cemented my fandom. It simply didn't get any better than spending a summer evening watching the Birds on TV or, even better, falling asleep to the games on the radio.

I was fortunate enough to catch the great inning of this game; the Orioles erased a 6-0 Rangers lead by scoring nine times in one inning which included two grand slams. 33rd St was rockin and for a half-hour I was ten again. Some brief snippets that stuck out from my short visit to Memorial Stadium:

*The announcer was talking about the "rookie phenom, one of the new heroes of Birdland, Jim Traber". Boy, was that short-lived.

*The O's were only 2 1/2 games out first place. In August. My, how times have changed.

*The announcer kept plugging "Three Buck Night". Now you can't even get a hot dog for $3.

*The grand slams were hit by the utterly forgettable(except to true fans) Larry Sheets and Jim Dwyer.

There were only two things missing. Chants of "Eddie-Eddie-Eddie" and the sweet baritone of the late, great Chuck Thompson.

Good Times. Thanks MASN.

Now He'll Have Time To Fight All The Fans.

Tie Domi officially retired yesterday ending one of the dirtiest yet entertaining careers in NHL history. From slugging it out with a Flyers fan to his cheap shot on fellow dirt bag Ulf Sammuelson to his legendary bouts with Bob Probert, Domi has compiled quite a highlight reel. I tried unsuccessfully to post a few from youtube ;if you get a chance you should go there and watch them. He was a player who you loved to hate. So as incongruous as this sounds, "Good Riddance Mr. Domi, you will be missed."

Home Run Fun.

Even in today's sports climate of overpaid millionaires and juice injecting cheats, athletes can sometimes provide a moment or moments that defy logic and remind me of the magic that draws me to sports in the first place. The ending to last night's Dodgers-Padres game was so unrealistic that if a Hollywood script writer penned it he would have been laughed out of the pitch meeting. The Dodgers, trailing 9-5 heading into the bottom of the ninth inning, tied the game by hitting four straight solo home runs. Kent, Drew, Martin and Anderson. Back-to-back-to-back-to-back. Impossible, except that it really happened. Then after surrendering a run in the top of the tenth, the Dodgers were blessed by the baseballs gods again when Nomar Garciaparra won the game by smashing a two-run homer. This improbable victory propelled L.A. past the Padres and into first place. Of course, the best part of the victory for me was being able to hear the great Vin Scully's voice on the ubiquitous highlights played all day today. Very cool.

Bryan Held Hostage:Day 5

Today is my fifth day stuck inside since my successful knee surgery. I am insane with cabin fever, so I hope this list of random thoughts, compiled over five days of recuperation, ice and elevation, makes some sense. At least as much sense as my other posts. So, I present to you- Notes from the Couch:

Daytime TV is awful; there are way too many Judge shows, cable news channels could tape 30 minutes of programming a day and loop it for the other 23 1/2 hours, and Dr. Phil is still a hump.

Lesson to other recovering patients- When ordering a sub delivery, check that the delivering restaurant doesn't charge extra for lettuce, tomato and delivery. Therefore you may not also be stuck paying OVER $15 for a cheesesteak and fries.

The itching of leg hair growing back in is doubly annoying when wearing a compression stocking that runs from toes to ass cheek.

Given all the ad time NBC has poured into it, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip had better be good.

How long have I been laying on the couch? I have a bruise on my arm where it has hung off the front of the couch in the same spot for days.

Funniest thing I saw all weekend (besides me trying to navigate the bathroom on one leg)- Will Ferrell on the inaugural episode of The Megan Mullaly Show (I told you I'm rabid with cabin fever.) He greeted his hostess wearing nothing but blue jockey briefs and tube socks carrying a bouquet of roses. Priceless.

The movie Miracle, the story of the 1980Miracle on Ice hockey team, is a pretty good flick. I should have watched it sooner. I was inspired and had goosebumps even as Al Michaels shouted the expected "Do you believe in miracles?". That will never get old.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think there is such a thing as too much football. After watching triple headers Saturday and Sunday, I'm a little burnt. I might not even watch Monday Night Football tonight.

Finally, I will make this suggestion to my surgeon when I see him for my follow-up : He should sell a DVD copy of his arthoscopic surgeries to his patients. Hell, if people will buy photos of themselves screaming on a roller coaster then surely folks would buy a copy of a camera burrowing inside their knee. At least I would. Of course, that could just be the fever talking.

It's Baaaack!

Don't laugh and don't say I didn't warn you - Dancing With The Stars returns with a new season tonight. I have previously documented how my affection for this show makes me a loser, yet I'll tune in at 8pm tonight on ABC. Jerry Springer, Tucker Carlson, Emmitt Smith(one of my all-time favorite athletes) are among this seasons competitors. What's not to love? This thing will be cheesier than a Rob O. Taco Bell belch. Throw in Tom "I may be the worst game show host ever" Bergeron, great music and some sizzling hot dance instructors and you've got yourself quite a party.

Atlantis Rides Again.

Thanks to the Wolskes for giving me a shout this morning to remind me of the impending shuttle launch. I know I have written about the shuttle and space travel before, but the shuttle launch never ceases to amaze me. I find it fascinating, yet I could never see myself rocketing into orbit. Me riding in the shuttle cockpit would probably look a whole lot like the kid in this video.

Good At Football? Then You've Got No Worries, My Friend.

This story proves what a topsy-turvy world we inhabit; people's priorities are way out of whack. The Washington Post article isn't very long if you want to read it yourself, but I'll give you the short recap:

High school football star helps rob a Smoothie King of $463. (Allegedly.)

Whitman High School sends him home for remainder of last school year. The Whitman principal ( apparently the only sane person in this story) recommended expulsion, but was denied by an arbitrator.

Montgomery County, Md school officials allow him to switch to Wheaton High School in order to play football this season.

Wheaton coaches and players welcome him with open arms, naming him team captain.

Favorite line fom the article:Lazear said his ankle monitor is light enough that he hardly notices it when he plays, and it will not encumber him.

I know he is innocent until proven guilty, but shouldn't being arrested for armed robbery be enough to lose some privileges? How about some parenting? Where are the consequences for behaving badly? And we wonder why college athletes, and kids in general, have no respect for authority.

Image Was Everything.

I am a few days late with this, but I wanted to salute Andre Agassi for his classy farewell at the US Open last week.

Agassi transformed himself from a young punk (He wouldn't play Wimbledon because he would have had to wear tennis whites.) to a hard-training adult in time to salvage his immense talent and become a legend and ambassador for American tennis. Agassi ditched the mullett and Canon Rebel persona and earned respect for his game and his philanthropy. He had fallen as low #141 in the world rankings some years ago, but used his trademark drive to regain the top spot briefly and win eight Grand Slam titles.

That same drive was on display last week at the US Open. Playing in his farewell tournament despite being hobbled by chronic back pain, the 36-year-old Agassi gave the grateful New York crowds something to cheer about. His second round match against 21-year-old Marcos Bagdhatis (sp?) was spectacular. The always exceptionally fit Agassi fought through his back pain and held on to win a five-set classic. Agassi forced the much younger Bagdhatis to run himself into cramps that hampered his play late in the match. It appeared that Agasssi was buoyed by four cortisone shots in five days and the vocal fans, but I know different. I believe his secret weapon was the Wolske-esque pink sports drink that he sipped at every changeover. Worked for Chris on the ice, why not on the hardcourt as well?

Agassi's farewell tour and sappy Hollywood run ran out of steam in the third round, however. Barely able to bend over for low shots, Andre's famous return game was short-circuited. Sometimes it is difficult to watch athletes stuggle when the end is near, but this time was different for me. I liked what Dick Enberg said during his play-by-play, "Greatness reveals itself under pressure and pain." Agassi counterpunched, playing enough defense to stay in the match. He was overwhelmed, yet almost pushed the match to a fifth set. As it was, he bowed out in four and had to settle for a warm eight-minute standing ovation. Now at 36, with millions of dollars, a hot wife, two young kids and a school he has funded from the ground up, he gets to live out the rest of his American dream. Congrats, Andre for choosing substance and greatness over style and flash.

Growler- Futuristic Fighting Machine or Overpriced Golf Cart On Steroids ?

I am not naive enough to think that the US military doesn't spend billions of dollars on research and development. I know this is necessary. I also know that R & D relies on a lot of trial and error. Therefore, I know it costs a ton just to design the equipment our troops will use, let alone produce it in mass quantities. I just wish the projects that are selected for mass production were a little better thought out than the Marines' new off-road vehicle The Growler.

The Growler is basically a reborn jeep designed to capably maneuver in many conditions. It is lighter than a Humvee and therefore can be hauled by the V-22 Osprey. The problem with the Growler, according to several articles I've read, is that it is not really built for soldier protection. It is an open truck with limited armor. From National Defense Magazine:

Jim Mills, an industry expert who helped manage the armored Humvee program, said it would be quite difficult to protect a small vehicle such as the Growler from landmine blasts. You can provide fragment protection but a mine blast would toss the vehicle in the air. You could install Kevlar in the underbody for fragment protection, panels behind the seats. Armoring the cab, he noted, would add too much weight and compromise its transportability.

It seems the Growler can be outfitted with some extra protection, but not too much because that would erase its benefits. Hmmm. Well thought out, gents. And, of course, while this vehicle would be a bargain at any price, our friends in the five-sided building are paying $127,00 apiece or, according to CBS News, $277 million for the fleet.

All this for a vehicle that will be hauled by the troubled Osprey fleet. The Osprey, the Marine tilt-rotor aircraft that flies faster than traditional helicopters, has been plagued by numerous crashes during testing. A Marine told me years ago that they call it "the widowmaker". So, to recap- overgrown, unprotective jeep with cheesy name hauled around by cool, if impractical, flyng jalopy. I'd sure love to see my tax $ spent on more productive military equipment.

Dear Ernesto...

Dear Ernesto,

How about being a pal, okay? Why not cut the Gulf region some slack? You can just make a little u-turn or dissapate completely if you like. I mean do you really need to power up and wreak havoc on land? The poor people of Florida and the Gulf Coast just aren't ready for another hit.

I saw Mayor Nagin and FEMA Director Paulison on Meet the Press this morning; despite their brave talk, they didn't look real confident. Even the engineers say it's "unclear" how the levees will react to a Category 3 hitting New Orleans. And don't forget Florida which is still recovering from four wallops in the '04 season.

Now, I know, you'll probably get a bunch of crap from those TV tools like Jim Cantore and Anderson Cooper, who make their bones off destruction and other peoples' misery, but they're not important. After all, look what happened to that bitch Katrina- she packed such a punch that they made her retire. So why don't you just scram and tell the next storm in line-Francis, Fernando, whoever- to take a breather too. We simply haven't had enough tome to erase our hurricane fatigue.

Proponents of Profiling Proudly Propose Preposterous Practices

Sorry about the title-I love alliteration.

I was reluctant to wade too deeply into the great terrorism debate, but it's time to hop off the sidelines. The profiling aspect, specifically, has me a little wound up. Things I've read in our blogosphere and elsewhere, in additon to things I've heard from TV "news" yappers have pushed me to action.

I'm fortunate, with my appearance traits, that I'm not usually a candidate for profiling by law enforcement. Unless, perhaps, the crime is -"Who ate the last donut?". Therefore, I've never had to suffer the indignity of being pulled over for DWB (Driving While Black) or been watched suspiciously for carrying a backpack onto a subway train.

It has been suggested that we must profile "Arab-looking" or "Muslim-looking" men. Let's break that idea down-

First, I'm not exactly sure what "Arab-looking" means. Not every Muslim looks like an extra from Lawrence of Arabia. And not every "Arab-looking" person is Muslim. I have one buddy who has dark skin and a full beard, but his ancestry makes him "whiter" than I am. I'm really not sure how you make the distinction between "Arab-looking" and "Not Arab-looking".

Secondly, once the distinction is made, how is the more thorough investigation carried out? It certainly can't be done discreetly in a crowded airport. Are we going to pull each suspect out of line? Will we have separate lines for Arab-looking suspects? I think specific targeting like this is tantamount to a return to segregation in some ways. Better not let any "Arab-looking" men sit at the lunch counter in the airport cafe, either.

Supporters of profiling peg political correctness as the reason we don't use it. While I do think we've gotten too PC as a nation, political correctness is not the issue here. Human decency is. I am dubious of those who say they would happily agree to be profiled or endure extra searching, scrutiny, etc. if they fit a particular suspicious profile. Who really wants to suffer the humiliation of being pulled aside because you look a certain way, even though you know you are completely innocent? I have a feeling when push comes to shove these folks would upset.

Finally, suppose we strip search every single "Arab-looking" guy to prove they are clean before boarding. Johnny Terrorist will just change gears and recruit redheaded teenage girls to carry out their plots. Terrorism is not an easy beat and I offer no better solution. But I know targeting a group of people based on the way they look is downright shameful.

Coming Soon: Samuel L. Jackson in LIQUIDS ON A PLANE

I have been considering posting about the recent foiled terror plot and ensuing media carnival, but I don't think I can say it much better than Mr. Wolske has on his site. With rapid-fire posts the last few days he is hotter than a Dell Notebook battery. He also has linked to some interesting commentaries, so check out his site.

On the terror issue, to put it simply, we all need to calm down. It is imperative that we sift through the muck that the fear-cultivating media pours out to find the real info. Stay informed, take serious what needs to be taken seriously and above all, step away from the panic button.

On a related note: Keith Olberman ran an interesting story on last night's Countdown. It tries to make the case that since 9/11 the feds have repeatedly used terror threats and ensuing warnings to obscure or distract from Administration problems or bad news. Olberman makes clear that it is all circumstantial evidence, but the video is compelling. In these days of spin and obfuscation (by politicians, governments, athletes etc.) nothing should surprise us. On the Countdown page, click on Nexus of Politics and Terror. Draw your own conclusions.

I wish my name was...

Every once in a while I'll hear a person's name that sounds funny or weird or cool or so weird that it's cool. I'll say to my wife or co-worker "Man, I wish my name was _____." Well, tonight I heard a new one that I like. If it didn't already belong to a Redskins player I'd wish my name was - Buck Ortega.

Eat this, Weed Eater.

I thought I was facing a common problem and judging by the volume of traffic on internet message boards, I am. My gas powered weed trimmer is a piece of crap that is driving me batty. Quite simply, I can't get the thing started. The weeds near the house are about to take over and I might have to resort to grazing like a cow to chop them down.

I always feel a little inadequate and less manly when I can't solve some sort of household trouble like this. I know little about engines and I'm neither mechanical, nor handy. (Which is kind of funny considering that I work in a construction trade.) I have spent the past couple of weeks fooling with this trimmer. Despite my best efforts, which obviously fall woefully short, the trimmer taunts me. Coughing enough to make me think it will start, it quits with a ratttle that sounds an awful lot like a teasing chuckle. Even the label on the engine- Homelite. Simply Reliable.- winks at me sarcastically.

Fortunately, I have a life preserver when it comes to household repairs, mechanical malfunctions, etc. I hauled the beast over to Dr. Dad's house so he could look it over. He cleaned the sparkplug and checked the air filter(Which, to my credit, I had done previously.) Still unable to start it, he decided that the gas-to-oil fuel mix ratio may be out of balance. Fair enough, I can handle it from there. All I have to do is look up the mix ratio for my trimmer on Homelite's website. Simple, right? Wrong.

My trimmer's model number is not among the two dozen that Homelite posts on their website. It's as if my trimmer is in a Witness Protection program for garden tools- "Don't look for me, I don't exist." Upon deeper analysis I realize that every model I click on uses the same mix ratio. Surely mine requires the same ratio, right? Of course not. Cough, cough. Sputter, sputter. Hahaha.

Usually if my Dad can't solve this kind of problem I figure I have no shot. I am happy to report, however, that my weeds are now trimmed and my sidewalks edged. I did what any self-respecting UnHandyman would do: I bought a new trimmer. This time I bought an electric trimmer so the choke, filter, sparkplug and fuel mix ratio can kiss my ass. The new trimmer is quieter, doesn't spew purple smoke and is lighter in weight. If I can keep from tripping over the cord or cutting it half with the string, I think we'll have a happy life together. I imagine someone who does small engine repair could have the old trimmer up and firing in no time, but I'd have as much tied up in parts and labor as I paid for the new trimmer. (I'll probably give it to Dad, who, with a few days tinkering will likely have it up and running.) So, to the friend that I teased for having a girly electric lawnmower, I say-Please forgive me, for I now join your ranks.

But you know the real bitch of it? The weeds are vanquished and my wife is pleased, but to me, the yard doesn't really look any better. Unless you have a well-tended, landscaped yard a few unruly weeds don't amount to a hill of beans.

Fly, Fat Ass, Fly.

Amanda and I took a trip to the Smithsonian's Air and Space Museum annex near Dulles Airport yesterday. Very cool place to visit. Billed as "America's Hangar", the cavernous building houses a myriad of authentic, restored flying machines that the Smithsonian can't fit in their downtown location. The highlights, for me at least, were seeing a retired SR-71 Blackbird (Which for it's last mission set a record by flying from LA to DC in 1hr, 4 min.), the Enola Gay (Which dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. For an incredible account of the plane and its crew read Stephen Walker's Shockwave.) and the Space Shuttle Enterpise (Which never launched into space, but was used for many test landings and is the flagship of the shuttle fleet.)

Toss in an obsevation deck from which you can watch planes landing at Dulles, an Imax theater and an incredibly courteous staff and you've got a fun place to lose yourself for a day. I'd say it's a must-see for anybody who remotely likes aviation or ever thought about being a fighter pilot as a kid.

Maybe I Am Fast And Furious.

The other day, while hanging out at the Inner Harbor, I was approached by a janitor who stopped sweeping long enough to tap me on the shoulder and say, "You know who you look like? Triple XXX." Being the germophobe that I am, my first thought was 'Wonder where that rubber glove-clad hand has been prior to touching my arm?', but that's beside the point.

I stammered out some sort of response like "Thanks, but I'm not as bad ass as he is" or something like that. The janitor just pointed at me and walked on. I'm sure he meant the comment as a compliment, but besides the haircut, what do I have in common with Vin Diesel? He's in a tad better shape than I am and I really hope I don't give off the slow-witted, tough guy vibe. The problem is, he's not the first person to tell me I look likeVin Deisel. Not that long ago, a girl I worked with told me, out of the blue, that I have Vin Deisel lips. What does that even mean and why are you saying this to me? AAAAAAAAAHHHHH.

That's Good Writing, Dickie.

I recently saw two slogans that I like.
One was a bumper sticker: Critical thought...the other national deficit.

The other was a t-shirt. Though I didn't see the front, I assume it was advertising a bar, because the back read: The liver is evil and deserves to be punished.

From Russia, With Love Rocket

What do you get when you mix one smokin' hot female accordion player, a guy wearing a zebra striped suit, a singer who sounds exactly like the 'Berserker' singer in 'Clerks' and one "Bad Ass American Drummer"? Why, you get the Red Elvises, of course. Their Rockenrol show is something like Chuck Berry meets Chernobyl, complete with jammin' music, creative and funny lyrics and just enough cheesy stage antics to border on rock and roll parody. Their broken English (Amanda's uncle was trying to figure out if they are really from Russia or if it is just schtick) just adds to the entertainment.

Their entertaining playlist includes Love Rocket, Telephone Call From Istanbul, Strip Joint Is Closed, I Want To See You Belly Dance and the memorable Sad Cowboy Song which includes a four man drum "solo". I know this all sounds ridiculous and reading the website, which is a little dated, won't change that, but trust me: They kick ass.

We stumbled upon the Red Elvises thanks to Amanda's aunt and uncle inviting us to Bethlehem PA's Musikfest last year. We had such a great time last year that we went back this weekend. For Musikfest, Bethlehem ropes off a huge section of their downtown and sets up tons of musical venues, food vendors and artisans peddling their wares. There is music around every corner as you wander the streets. The performances are free and the food is fantastic. Within a span of a few blocks you can enjoy polkas, reggae, a dixieland jug band, some roasted corn on the cob, hand twisted pretzels, pit beef sandwiches and as many giant mugs of beer as it takes to wash it all down. Musikfest makes the Salisbury Festival look like a kid's birthday party. I highly recommend catching at least a portion of the week's activities. I fully expect us to continue our new summer tradition next year.

You Da Man!

While flipping channels the other day, I came across a news program hailing the dawn of a new era in manhood: Meet the Retrosexual. The retrosexual man is active, rugged, and not trying to be pretty. Oh, you mean he's a man. Warning: He may also be sloppy, smell, belch and laugh out loud when he farts. Apparently, the Retrosexual Male is replacing the Metrosexual. I suppose if you believe in this trendy marketing bullshit then it is now okay for a man to be a man. Gee, thanks. I guess I can call the salon and cancel that appointment I had for getting waxed "down there". (By the way, I was reading an article in which a guy magazine editor actually volunteered for a little below the belt waxing in the spirit of journalism. I guess this has become all the rage for dudes. I'm sorry, you won't catch me waxing anywhere, especially there. You can have your dead squirrel and your flying squirrel, but there is no need for the bald squirrel.)

You Play Hockey? On Ice?

Somewhere in the divide between roller hockey and ice hockey there is KwikRink. KwikRink is a synthetic ice surface that feels and acts a lot like ice. It is also the skating surface in the newly opened rink at the Crown Sports Center in Fruitland. I have yet to skate on it but, I have watched some of the skating and talked to some folks who have been on it. Apparently, it reacts a lot like ice. In regular hockey skates you can turn, cut, and even hockey-stop. Each stride takes a little more effort and you don't get as much glide, although I've been assured that when the surface breaks in it will get faster. Even with the "slower" surface the guys I watched were getting up and down the "ice" pretty quick. The puck didn't move great, but the ball was humming. The surface is similar to plexiglas and is covered with a light layer of oil. I know it sounds weird, but it looks pretty neat. Seriously. Anyway, the owner hopes to have ice installed in January and then fall into a regular schedule of ice in Fall/Winter, fake ice in Spring/Summer. The only big drawback is that the rink is much shorter and a little narrower than a regulation rink. It will hopefully still be a fun place to skate and practice, however. I'm hoping to skate on it this week. I'll post an update after that. A side note that some of you might get a kick out of : The name of the rink is Ice Magic.

Be Careful Condi......

Cracked up tonight when I heard a newscaster use the phrase- Condeleeza Rice "is on a diplomatic mission to Lebanon." Well, Madam Secretary, if this is a consular ship then WHERE IS THE AMBASSADOR? I really cracked up thinking about Dubya and VP Dick donning Stormtrooper uniforms to rescue Condi from the detention block.

You Are Not Fooling Anybody.

I crack up everytime I hear a PR guy or press secretary for a government agency or business try to soften the blow of bad news by spinning it like crazy or using hokey euphemisms. I know there are countless examples; I heard my new favorite today. It was reported today that the US government does not want to call the exodus of US citizens from Lebanon an "evacuation". Instead, they are calling it an "assisted departure". What kind of silly BS is that? We are not stupid. I think we can call helmeted 4-year-olds running for Army helicopters an "evacuation". An assisted departure is when the limo driver puts your luggage in the trunk for you. An assisted departure is when the doorman hails you a cab. Normal people looking scared shitless while riding in a helicopter or while boarding a cruise ship turned escape pod is not an assisted departure. Mr. G-Man genius who coined this term-Relax, it's okay to call it what it is. Some US citizens got caught in a bad situation and you're doing the best (?) you can to help them. Just be truthful, you are not fooling anyone, nor do you have to.

BREAKING NEWS: THE EARTH IS NOT FLAT!

Is anybody else fed up with cable news and their incredible hype machine mentality?. Lately I've tuned in on my lunch hour to see what's going on in the Middle East and to maybe catch some of the White House press briefing, which I really enjoy. (I know, I'm a nerd.) It seems now that every time I turn on FoxMSHardball360HeadlineWolfBlitzerHappyHour I'm greeted with the ubiquitous BREAKING NEWS graphic splashed across the screen. Let's get this straight: Israel and Hezbollah blowing exploding kisses at each other for the eighth straight day is not breaking news, it's just news. How about saving the BREAKING NEWS banner for when new, important, situation altering info is acquired. You are not "breaking news" if you tell your viewers something they already know or have been watching for hours.

BREAKING NEWS: Tucker Carlson is still a dope even without the bowtie. Duh.

BREAKING NEWS: Angelina Jolie is hot. Duh.

BREAKING NEWS: This post has run on quite long enough. Double Duh.

Hungry? How 'Bout a Knuckle Sandwich

I'm not sure how to feel about the Caps adding Donald Brashear. He is a true goon and tough guy who has played dirty at times in his career. He has, in the past, taken stupid penalties that have put his team in trouble. However, the last couple of years he has really developed his overall game, becoming a stronger offensive player. He will deliver plenty of big, clean hits that can be momentum changers.

All the great players throughout the history of the game have had a tough guy riding shotgun for them. Now Alex Ovechkin has a little protection. And to paraphrase Caps GM George McPhee - fights aren't a great part of the game, but if you are going to have one you might as well win it. Let's hope this move works.

I'm starting to get pumped about next season. The Caps have speed (Ovechkin, Zednick), grit(Clark, Brashear), youth and a strong work ethic. Maybe the puzzle pieces are starting to fit together somewhat.

Butch, Who Is Zed?.............Zed's Back, Baby, Zed's Back.

The Caps re-acquired Richard Zednik in a trade with The Canadiens. The Caps parted with only a third round draft pick. I know Zednik's production has been so-so, but it will be good to have another finisher besides Ovechkin. He's only thirty, packs some potential offensive punch, and, if he doesn't work out, is a free agent after the coming season. Plus he has had some kick- ass haircuts. Good move, McPhee. Now how about a center and real defenseman?

Simplified Spelling Society

After first seeing the story about the Simplified Spelling Society on this morning's news I was ready to rant on them big-time. In my quick-to-judge manner I assumed they were some new-fangled organization dedicated to aiding the lazy, contributing to the dumbing down of America. I have long said, somewhat overdramatically, that we, as a society, will be doomed by the shorthand and emoticons used in e-mail, text and instant messages. Capital letters, puncuation and using complete words seems only vaguely required. I remain convinced that in the near future teenagers won't be able to communicate in complete sentences. So when I heard about a group wanting to overhaul the English language so that all words were spelled phonetically I was dubious of their motives. I understand English is filled with silly rules and seemingly arbitrary exceptions to those rules. But I think that is part of the beauty of the language. God forbid we had to use our brains a little to learn it.

My anger was tempered a bit when I actually went to the group's website. The society was actually formed in 1908 (Don't ask me why Channel 47 was talking about it this morning; though I suppose relevance has rarely been Channel 47's strong suit. [Except for Rob O. No offense meant to you, my friend.]). The website mentions their aims of making spelling easier so that kids can use brain power to learn other stuff. They also explain why certain words are spelled certain ways (the printing press, the Norman Conquest of 1066, the Renaissance, blah, blah, blah.) The website is mildly interesting and I see where they are coming from, but to me their arguments just aren't compelling enough to make wholesale changes. I'd love to know what the rest of you think. Is this concept ridiculous or a worthy cause?

Serious Fireworks

I was happy to see the space shuttle Discovery safely reach orbit yesterday, but I don't quite understand one thing about NASA's plan. They announced that if Discovery sustained damage that would prevent safe re-entry that Atlantis was ready to be launced for a rescue pick-up mission. Surely I can't be the only one that realizes that Atlantis would be subject to incurring the same type of tile damage, can I? What happens, then? Who rescues the rescuers? I haven't watched the news today, so hopefully the crew's visual inspection of the tiles renders these questions moot. It just seems to me that NASA makes less and less sense all the time.

As a side note, it never gets old watching the shuttle blast into space. We watched it on Fox News which switched over to the NASA feed. Hearing NASA's official voice check off the telemetry was cool. At one point that thing was moving over 14,ooo MPH. That's difficult to comprehend. Not bad for something running on 70's technology. Imagine the possibilities when free trade and modern technology reach for the stars.

Oh, Captain, My Captain.

Captain Jeff Halpern left the Capitals Thursday, signing a four-year, $8 million contract with the Dallas Stars. While I'll miss Halpern, I don't blame the Caps for not paying him that kind of money. He is a solid player, but I don't think he is worth two million per, nor would I invest a four year deal in him. If I were Halpern, already living a dream being the captain of my hometown team, I would consider staying just so I could play with the dynamic Ovechkin. On the other hand, the Stars are closer to being Cup contenders and thsi is a major payday for someone who entered the league as an undrafted free agent.

As far as the Caps' future I'm not sure that Halpern will be as easily replaced as many might think. Halpern was excellent on faceoffs, strong in his own zone and brought fan appeal because he was a local. He also played hard every night, including playing through serious injury and family tragedy. I wish him good luck in Dallas.

I hope GM George McPhee has a plan because right now this team is terribly thin up the middle. I'd like to see some Free Agent money flow out of DC a bit.

Stevie Wonder

Congrats to Motown legend Steve Yzerman for retiring with the class and dignity that he displayed during his 22 seasons as a member of the Detroit Red Wings. Yzerman could have hung on for another season with Detroit, or perhaps another team, but chose to bow out now near the top of his game. Yes, he had been slowed by knee injuries and was pushed to the third line, but Yzerman was still a valuable contributor. It is refreshing (and a bit surprising) to see a player spend his entire lengthy career with the same team.

You can make the case that Yzerman is one the most underrated players in NHL history. He surely has enjoyed noteriety, but he is rarely mentioned when people discuss the greats of the game. A check of the stats shows that clearly he should be, though. 692 goals(I think that's 8th all-time), 1063 assists, 1 Selke trophy, 1 Conn Smythe trophy, an astounding 20 years as Red Wings captain, 10 all-star appearances, and most importantly 3 trips around the rink hoisting the Stanley Cup. An incredible offensive scorer early in his career, Yzerman improved his defensive game (to the detriment of his offensive numbers) and subsequently led the Wings to three championships. He is a by all accounts a team-first guy who never rocked the boat and has been great, giving citizen of Detroit during his stay. All young players in the NHL should look to Stevie Y as an example of the way you should behave on and off the ice.

Faster Than A Speeding Bullet, More Powerful Than A Locomotive, More Boring Than...

A and I saw "Superman Returns" last night and I'd have to say it was good, but not great. To call it boring is unfair, although parts of it did drag. (It's never a good sign when you look at your watch during the movie.) Between Batman, Spiderman, the depressing X-Men and now Superman I'm a little weary of superhero angst. I know they are trying to keep these stories fresh, but at times this film played more like an episode of Desperate Superheroes than a summer blockbuster.

There was, however, plenty to love about it. It was, of course, visually spectacular and the action sequences were by far the best parts. The best move the filmmakers made was to keep John Williams' original theme. I think the style of the opening credits was lifted from the original, too; if not, they were still suitably '70s. And, ladies, A says that the actor that plays Superman is "hot". Kate Bosworth/Lois Lane was looking pretty hot herself.

The other thing I found interesting is that there is plenty of subtext in the movie that hints at the whole Superman is Jesus Christ connection that has always been talked about. If you are looking for it there are plenty of allusions to it in the movie. Although, I suppose you can read a lot into just about anything. As Ben Kenobi tells Luke, the truth depends on your point of view.

Anyway, I'd say if you're interested in checking it out, I would definitely see the movie on the big screen. There are a couple of scenes worth the effort. This one was pretty good, but I still would love to see Kevin Smith's vision for the character.

Scope Me!

So I found out Wednesday that I need arthroscopic surgery to repair a torn meniscus in my left knee. On one hand, I'm relieved to solve the mystery of why me knee has been in intermittent pain (sometimes incredibly painful, sometimes just a little bothersome) for the last 6-8 months. After visiting a bunch of docs and being prescribed some apparently useless physical therapy I was finally permitted to get the MRI that revealed the tear. The medical system/insurance industry really ticked me off with this one, but that's beside the point.

The real point of this post is to solicit some information. I'm looking for first hand experience with meniscus tears. The doc says this is a minimally invasive procedure that has a very short downtime. I talked to a co-worker that had the almost identical injury and he said his recovery time (to resume most activities) was only about a week. He also said it was very cool to be able to watch, under light sedation, the camera trolling around in your knee. So I'm seeking others' experiences to see if their cases are similar.

(And Killer, I suppose this is justice about ten years later.)

Neato

I am by no means a car guy, but every once in a while something cool will cross my radar. My new favorite "vehicle that I'll never own" is Toyota's FJ Cruiser. Admittedly, I haven't checked out the performance specifics, but it looks damn cool in my opinion. Although, my wife tempered my enthusiasm a little when upon seeing it and its white roof she said it looked like a Mini-Cooper on steroids. Either way, its designed in the Land Cruiser tradition and was actually cheaper than I thought. (Base models start at around $22,000.)

Master of Disaster

Please, oh please, dear readers, tell me you saw ABC's Master of Champions Thursday night. I love TV and I love bad TV, but ABC may have succeeded in building one of the worst shows to ever reach the airwaves. The cheesy title is just the start. This show is what you might get if you had put Chuck Barris in charge of the Olympics. It makes David Blaine look like a Rhodes Scholar. I half expected to see Joe Romano, The Blond David Copperfield make an appearance.

The "competitors" were a 14-year-old girl who wields a bow and arrow with her feet while blindfolded, extreme unicyclists and breakdancing acrobats on spring stilts (One of whom was the 11-time World Power Tumbling Champion. Yeah, let that one sink in. Hilarious. Nice hard-working guy, I'm sure. But that's funny.) But by far the best/worst event was "The Master of Champions Cheese Grating Showdown". This event featured race cars with a cheese grater attached by suction cup. The drivers then "drift raced" around a block of cheese to see who could shave the most off. You can't even make this stuff up.

Some of the feats were actually athletic and interesting, but give me Stupid Human Tricks anyday. Besides it wasn't just the events that made this show so bad. The hosts, Chris "I can't stop shouting" Leary and former Playboy Playmate Lisa " I'm having trouble reading the teleprompter" Dergen added to the cheese. Throw in panelists Steve Garvey, camera mugging Johnny Mosely and former Olympic figure skater and master of broken English Oksana Baiul (who I swear was caught yawning by the camera) and you've got one hell of a party. Thursdays at 8pm. Tune in; you won't be sorry.

And don't forget Chris Leary's extremely creative show opening: "THEY'RE MASTERS. THEY'RE CHAMPIONS. WELCOME TO MASTER OF CHAMPIONS!"

Game 7

I know I'm a few days late on this, but I've been busy.

Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals was an amazing, fitting end to a fantastic Stanley Cup playoffs. During the game I was scribbling all sorts of notes so I could remember things enough to write a coherent post. Instead, I have decided to basically just list all the stuff that made Game 7, the entire playoffs, and hockey in general so damn cool.

Fernando Pisani: what a name and what a scoring touch.

Cam Ward: Edmonton native,22 years old, won the Conn Smythe Trophy and wasn't even the starting goalie when the playoffs began. His stretching pad save with a couple minutes to play saved the Canes season. He won more games (15) in the playoffs than he did in the regular season(14).

Dwayne Roloson carried Edmonton for three rounds. The Oilers were given no chance once he got injured in Game 1 of the finals. The rest of that team raised there level of play and made it a series. Gutsy.

The clean, freight train checks that both teams dished out. Lots of shots of guys hunched over barley able to reach the bench after being crushed.

Chris Pronger seemingly never leaving the ice.

Great traditions: playoff beards, the post- series handshake and skating the Cup around the rink.

Kevyn and Craig Adams,Carolina's grinders. Every championship team has unheralded, glue guys like those two.

The fans in both cities were spectacular. Edmonton's fans must be the loudest ever. I love how they sing aloud both the Star Spangled Banner and O, Canada. And Carolina's fans didn't sit down for the entire Game 7. very neat.

Of course, game 7 is always bittersweet because no matter how great it is, it is the last game of the season. Caps fans, be optomistic: Next season maybe they can jump up and make it three straight Cup winners from the Southeast (formerly worst in hockey) Division. (I can dream, right?

Is it October yet?

Mallrats

It's official: I'm old. On our way through the mall today to grab some greeting cards and some Chick-Fil-A we had to dodge these roaming packs of teenage mallrats. I haven't seen a collection of goofballs, hoodlums and half-wits like that since KNK Vending broke up. You had the redneck dudes wearing their uniforms of jean shorts, oversize t-shirts and bad beards.

Then you had the crew that looked like they were there for the Addams Family reunion; dyed hair, top hats, and even that T-shirt that reads "I'm the one your parents warned you about." How rebellious. There was even a guy that I hope was actually coming from a boxing match because he was wearing real Boxing trunks and boxing boots. All he was missing was gloves and a mouthpiece.

Last, but not least, let's not forget the teenage girls who dress like they are 35 not 15. Carrot Top has more material than the skirts some of these girls were wearing. I'll say it now even though I'll probably be made a liar in 15 or so years- If we have a daughter she will not leave the house dressed like that. Why on Earth does a 13-year-old need to wear high heels and a minikirt to the movies on a Saturday afternoon? If this all makes me a fuddy duddy at 31, then so be it. And while your at it, turn off that daggone rock n roll devil music will ya?

Cup Crazy

I don't care if hockey has become a niche sport. I don't care if I am one of 5 Americans watching the playoffs. Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals has been f-ing awesome! Huge hits, stellar set-ups, a big comeback, amazing saves, even a defenseman taking (and scoring on) a penalty shot; this game has had it all. And as I'm writing this there is still 15 min left in the game. At this rate I hope it heads for triple OT. Damn, it's great to have hockey back.

One Lame List

Bravo recently ran a special counting down the 100 funniest movies of all time. What a joke. You can check out the list on the link, but I'll run down a few lowlights for you:

*Police Academy, Meet The Parents and The Nutty Professor(Eddie Murphy Version) are all on the list.

*Slapshot(actually I'm surprised it got recognized at all), Ghostbusters and Blues Brothers all failed to make the Top 50.

*The Wedding Singer and Ace Ventura both made the Top Ten. Seriously.

*There are only two Mel Brooks movies on the list.

*Shrek was reasonably funny, but in no way shape or form is it the 3rd funniest movie of all time.

I'm pretty sure these people picked their top 100 in no particular order and then picked the rankings out of a hat. Either that, or they just don't know funny.

Awesome Dawson

Logged a little time, perhaps a little too much, with the Game Show Network this weekend. In doing so I caught some great Richard "Swinging Dick" Dawson action. In back-to-back episodes of Match Game 74 he was decked out in his pimp daddy uniform: turtleneck under sportcoat, medallion and cheesy moustache. Then I caught an episode of Family Feud where he was in full-on swinger mode. All ten players were women so he was laying on the jive pretty thick. When he had to send the losing team home he, of course, kissed all of them goodbye. Then the team leader wanted to give him another kiss "from the rest of the women in Kentucky". To which Richard replied-"tell them all I deliver until 3 am, darlin'. " Has a smoother man ever walked the Earth? I think not.