Fight Night.

At the bookstore we have quite a diverse mix of employees so there are always interesting conversations to wander in and out of. I'd like your input on one we had last night. If you could fight anyone dead or alive who would it be? Actually, pick one dead and one alive. The debate hinged on whether you would want to fight someone who would be a true challenge or someone who really needed an ass-beating. A sampling of answers from last night:



Andy Warhol- because it was just a damn soup can!
Hannibal - because he was a badass who rode elephants and would be a tough draw
Donald Trump and Ann Coulter -for general obnoxiousness
Hitler- obvious (but too easy an answer)

I almost had one guy convinced that I would pick Orville Redenbacher because my family started Jiffy Pop and our empire would have been larger if not for that kindly old popcorn peddler.

My alive pick is Jared from Subway. How many calories in this knuckle sandwich?

My dead pick is Elvis Presley. Jumpsuits, jack?

Some Laughs.

Rarely do comic strips make me laugh out loud, but both of these got me to do more than smile yesterday. Thought I'd share:

F.Y.I

After hearing that Michael Chertoff had a "gut feeling" that Bin Laden's boys will attack this summer That's No Moon did a little digging and found that Chertoff had actually leaked part of Homeland Security's new terror threat level chart. I am now able to reveal the new system in its entirety. From lowest threat assessment level to highest:

Chertoff "Heard from a Guy"

Chertoff "Has a Gut Feeling"

Chertoff "Has Goosebumps"

Chertoff "Has the Willies"

Chertoff "Wants His Mommy"

Vick Not Guilty - Yet.

P.E.T.A needs to start thinking about the ethical treatment of people, as in, remembering that Michael Vick is innocent until proven guilty. Sure, the circumstantial evidence seems quite damning and the list of his past transgressions is pretty long, but he has not been convicted of anything. Don't get me wrong-I think Mike Vick is a an idiot (flipping off his fans, trying to smuggle his bong on a plane, using a fake name to get herpes medicine) and an overated quarterback. I just can't stand the way P.E.T.A. jumps at the opportunity to soak up media attention. They are boycotting Falcons camp and calling on the NFL to discipline Vick when the facts aren't fully known. Dogfighting is dispicable and Vick is quite likely guilty to some, if not a large, degree, but P.E.T.A needs to back off for now. They will likely have a full opportunity to tune Vick up when the facts are revealed.

Red, Red Rain.

I guess I'm moving to China. First, cardboard filled biscuits and now-they can control the weather . Cloud seeding, which apparently has a history of mixed success, will be used to induce pregnant clouds to deliver raindrops prior to the Olympic opening ceremonies, leaving nothing but pollution-free blue skies. At least that's the plan. Chinese scientists claim great success using silver iodide to help raindrops form, others are dubious. Oh, excuse me, I've just been handed this note-my dying, brown grass would like to know where we keep the silver iodide. Anyway, I think we should send in James Bond to stop these diabolical, weather altering mad men at the Beijing Weather Modification Office. Or perhaps, I'll open an umbrella stand when I get to there.



As an aside, the article also contains my new favorite quote "A heavy downpour will be impossible to combat."

It's Over.

You don't have to be Brit "Somebody, please take the stick out of my ass" Hume or Tim "I just ate an entire turkey" Russert to know that the '08 presidential race is over. With Oprah's endorsement of, and September fundraiser for, Barack Obama, this race is over. The Oprah Effect makes the next 15 months of campaigning irrelevant. (or as Killer's principal says, irrevelant). I've watched in awe as Oprah has catapulted bad to mediocre books to a seemingly permanent perch on the best seller list.

Now, obviously, I'm being sarcastic and ,obviously, presidential candidates are far different than books, but don't underestimate Oprah or the power she holds with her sheep. She has the power to tap into a group of people that may not regularly vote. If she really marshalled all of her forces she would have quite a platform from which to hypnotize, er, I mean promote. Of course, if Obama wants to really seal the deal, he'll not just attend her fundraiser, he'll invite her to join his ticket.

Another Movie Review Haiku

Transformers

Prime cool, rest were lame
Met my low expectations
Mike Bay makes me sad

Movie Review Haiku

Live Free Or Die Hard

Big bangs, Bruce looks old
Implausible action scenes
Silly popcorn fun

This Bun Tastes Like Cardboard.

That's because it IS cardboard. Remind me to brownbag my lunch when I'm in Bejing for the Olympics next year. From the Washington Times:


"In the report aired Wednesday night, China Central Television showed a shirtless, shorts-clad bun maker in Beijing using cardboard picked up off the street to stuff his steamed buns.
A hidden camera followed the man into a ramshackle building where steamers were filled with the fluffy white buns, called baozi, traditionally stuffed with minced pork.
It showed how cardboard was first soaked to a pulp in a plastic basin of caustic soda — a chemical base commonly used in manufacturing paper and soap — then chopped into tiny morsels with a cleaver. Fatty pork and powdered seasoning were stirred in as flavoring and the concoction was stuffed into the buns."



If you like, check the rest of the article here-http://washingtontimes.com/article/20070713/BUSINESS/107130046/1006

Worth A Look.

I just finished reading Paul Reickhoff's "Chasing Ghosts" and I suggest anyone interested in the Iraq War and the state of our nation's foreign policy check it out. Reickhoff was a National Guard Reserve platoon leader that landed in Baghdad in Spring 2003. Reickhoff isn't the most humble guy,but he does point out the many flaws of the invasion and the complete lack of forethought that went into post-invasion complications. Poor planning, old, broken down equipment and out of touch commanders made an already dangerous mission that much more so for Reickhoff and his men. The book also lends great insight into the Iraqi civilians who were put in a precarious situation by our invasion. (These same civilians that today Ann Coulter basically called expendable when, on "Hardball with Chris Matthews", she suggested that a less clean war disregarding collateral damage in Iraq would break the spirit of the enemy.) You can find a few more details and reviews of the book here . It's not the greatest read ever, but it does put you on the ground in the middle of this blunder.

Where Is Trader Joe's When I Need It?

I have concluded that doing our grocery shopping at Wal-Mart is what it must be like to visit a prostitute. You know you shouldn't do it and you know you'll regret it, yet an hour later later you feel empty, you've spent $100 and you have syphillis.

Okay, I may not have contracted syphillis, but I did nearly have a stroke while waiting for the half human-half snail that manned the deli counter to slice my baked ham. The icing on the cake was reaching the cashier with my conveyor belt full only to be told by the cashier that she would be right back because she had to get more bags. Nevermind that the carousel had plenty of bags to contain my products and many more. Never mind that there was nobody in line behind me. Nevermind that you could hustle after those unnecessary bags instead of sauntering across the store. Here's an idea-turn off your light, scan my goods, find more bags that you don't really need, and then turn your light back on. I know, I know ...you get what you pay for.

Well?

Hi, Ted Leonsis? The Major Indoor Lacrosse League called and they want their jerseys back.

The Caps revealed their new sweaters tonight and I am a bit underwhelmed. I am elated that they returned to the red, white and blue color scheme. That move was long overdue. However, I was hoping for something a little more dramatic than a retooling of the original jersey. It's strange-I usually like plain looks when it comes to unis. The Leafs, Red Sox and Cowboys all have an iconic feel because they aren't cluttered with zany stripes and swirls like so many jerseys today. These Caps jerseys, though uncluttered, are just boring.

Maybe it's because I never liked the original logo that seemed like an afterthought. (Uh, how about we write "capitals" on the shirt, but we'll make the T a hockey stick). So, I personally think returning to this logo, albeit slightly "futurized", is just an afterthought of an afterthought. Supposedly, they have been working on the design since 2005. So much for Ted L. being a marketing genius.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate them. I understand the numbers and name are much easier to read on TV and from the stands, so that's a plus. It will be cool to see the R,W and B flying around the rink. And the whole change is actually pretty insignificant. If they win, I don't care if they wear garbage bags. Finally, the good news is there is no debate over whether to pay $99 for a new replica jersey.

I know some of you guys liked the old logo. I'd enjoy hearing other thoughts on the new look.

Bagged and Tagged.

Great news Orioles fans-with the dismissal of manager Sam Perlozzo all of the team's flaws are repaired. Now that he is not burdened with filling out line-up cards Perlozzo will move to the bullpen to pitch in relief whenever the new manager needs an arm. Even at age 57, Perlozzo should be able to help a pen that is 0-8 with an 8.00 ERA in June. And on the days he doesn't pitch, Perlozzo will surely club enough home runs to move the O's offense out of last place in that category. Brilliant!

All sarcasm aside, watching the slow, decade-long disintegration of my favorite sports team has been brutal. Add up all the Caps blown 3-1 leads to Pittsburgh, all the Cowboys' 5-11 seasons and every Duke loss to UNC and the hurt doesn't come close to the pain of witnessing this once proud ball team fade away. I can't imagine what it must be like for Brooks, Palmer, Ripken, etc. The organization is in such disarray that a change in managers is not nearly enough. Digging up Casey Stengel or Leo Durocher and popping them in orange and black wouldn't help at this point. Peter Angelos has run off so many credible baseball people (Pat Gillick, Davey Johnson, Frank Wren) and made so many stupid decisions (Albert Belle, Jon Miller, handcuffing his current baseball people) that fans have started wearing paper bags over their heads at Camden Yards. What? Are we the New Orleans Saints? If this losing continues much longer some long-time fans may ignore printed warnings and switch to plastic bags.

At this point, Cheney and Rumsfeld's post-war Iraq plan looks more coherent than any Orioles game plan. The front office has assembled a team that is not built to win any time soon. Beyond their young starting pitching and two position players (Brian Roberts and Nick Markakis) this team has no bright spots. They have invested in slow-footed DH-1B-LF clones Kevin Millar, Aubrey Huff and Jay Gibbons. Those three are essentially the same guy competeing for ABs. Unfortunately, neither of them is even worthy of the ABs. None provides the power numbers teams expect from those positions.

The upper management also invested in Corey Patterson and Melvin Mora, two journeyman veterans that parlayed a good season into a good paycheck. Last summer they passed on the opportunity to trade unhappy, but valuable SS Miguel Tejada. Now, their power hitting SS has only a handful of homers, diminshed range in the field and a whole lot less trade value than he did this time last year. Finally, the front office's crowning achievement was sinking $42 million into revamping a hapless bullpen. So what does $42 million buy you? A cornucopia of disasters:18 losses by the pen, tons of late-inning blown leads and those always devastating walk-off home runs. Any manager would be a fool to walk into this mess. Luck be with anyone who does.

The stupid part about all this is that , as I write this post, I am lamenting the fact that I haven't been to Camden Yards yet this season. Maybe I'm the one that needs help.

Enquiring Minds Want To Know.

I'm not usually one to indulge in tabloid "news", but I'm pretty sure that Julia Roberts gave birth to Tiger Woods' baby on Monday.

Sending Out An S.O.S For The NHL.

After reviewing the ratings for Saturday's NHL Finals Game 3 on NBC I've determined that St4rbux, Killer and I may have been the only people in America that watched that game. And I'm only sure of that because we were in the same room. NBC logged the lowest primetime rating IN ITS HISTORY. I know that they were battling Lebron James' coronation on TNT and sweet summer weather, but it is ridiculous that this game got lower ratings than Mama's family reruns and the Food Network's "Build a Better Burger" or some such nonsense.

Dallas Morning News columnist Tim Cowlishaw offered his ten ways to improve the NHL to save it next year. I agree with some suggestions (contract to fewer teams, change unbalanced schedule) and vigorously disagree with others (limiting playoff overtimes). I'd love to hear some other reactions to his suggestions and suggestions of your own. Personally, I have been a proponent of contraction since before the lockout. I say knock it down to twenty teams to increase the quality of teams and eliminate organizations that are hemmoraging cash. I would even go so far as to say that I would bid the Caps farewell if it meant a stonger NHL in the long term. Hockey remains a grand game; I wish more people cared.

We're Gonna Need A Bigger Apple.

Is there any way that this photo is real? My big honker smells a hoax. I'm not the most informed guy around, but shouldn't I have heard that there are 1/2 ton pigs roaming the the Deep South? To paraphrase the great Tony Kornheiser, this may be a sign of the apocalypse. Is that a laser blaster in the kid's hand? Check out the story about the 11-year old who felled the beast(allegedly) here. See video here.

Real or not, at least I've found my new desktop wallpaper.

Hope New Pic Is OK.

If anyone in my new header pic has any objections to being on the web in such prominent fashion let me know (via comment or e-mail) and I'll remove it immediately.

"The Greatest Steaks In The World"

Apparently, Donald Trump is out of the TV business and into the steak business. Maybe not as absurd as I first thought, he does own restaurants and hotels that serve steaks. What is nutty is that his steaks are being sold through The Sharper Image. Because I enjoy nothing more than sitting in my overpriced leather massage chair, eating a Trump steak that I've cut with my all-purpose Swiss army knife while listening to my hand crank weather radio. Thanks, Sharper Image, now I can do one stop shopping at the mall!

"CHiPs" On DVD

Good News, CHiPs season one is available on DVD. I hope they include that episode when Ponch and John rescue the trapped motorist from the car that's about to explode. You know, the one where they later chase the suspect down the alley in which the squad cars won't fit. The one that ends with disco dancing and freeze frame shots of evrybody laughing at one of Ponch's jokes. I sure hope that one is on there.

Duck, Duck....Red Wings Are Goosed.

I don't care if I'm one of three people who watched it, I thoroughly enjoyed tonight's Game 6 of the Western Conference Finals. Gary Bettman may have nearly choked the sport to death with his carnival game antics such as the shootout, but tonight the grand game was on full display. Besides overtime, tonight's game had all the elements that make playoff hockey fantastic. Great goaltending, pretty goals, a little spilled blood and a frantic finish. Maybe Bettman and his merry band of morons who make up the Committee To Turn Hockey Into Basketball will realize games don't have to finish 8-7 to be entertaining. When the Ducks were up 2-0 I was rooting for the game to end with that score. It had been enjoyable to watch despite (or maybe because of) the dearth of goals. The first ten minutes of the second period included some serious, high-octane hockey. Even though that big-nosed dope Chelios (takes one to know one) stole a power play late in regulation the Ducks were able to hold on. After the game two of the coolest things in sports occured: The post series handshake because ultimately hockey is a gentleman's game. And then watching the conference champ captain hover near but carefully avoid touching the conference trophy. Hockey players aren't superstitous at all.



So, now what? All of my evil teams have been eliminated. I don't really care who wins the Cup from here. Will Southern California win its first Cup or will the trophy return to Canada for the first time since the first Clinton administration? (I was going to look up the Canadian Prime Minister in '93 to insert here, but that just seemed like too much work.) Will Anaheim's star defense be able to contain Ottawa's star offense? Am I the only one south of the border who cares?